Subourbon Mom

Fifty Shades of Forgetful: A Christmas Story No One Asked For

Happy post-holiday food and drink orgy – and welcome to a new year of ways I can embarrass myself (and sometimes my family).  It’s been a long hiatus from this collection of stupid things I think about and do, but in the immortal words of Randy Quaid….I’m BAAAAACK!

Now many of you know I can be forgetful. I blame it on age; some in my house would say I have ADD and should stop calling the kettle black. Either way, this Christmas my memory played a trick on me of epic proportions.

A few weeks before Christmas, Hubby went on an on-line buying spree and accidentally kept sending things to Daughter #1’s (D1) house.  So, he asked her to bring them up for Christmas, hoping against hope she wouldn’t open the one that had some female “enhancement cream.” (Now, before you start getting all red and judgmental, remember that we’re in our 50s and have been together for 35 years.  Sometimes you have to shake things up.) D1 said she would. For the next three weeks Hubby festered and worried that she would open the package.

“Do you think she opened it?” he asked me at least once a week.

“No, she wouldn’t. She knows it’s for Christmas,” I would reply.

Meanwhile, said daughter called me as soon as it came and asked if she could wrap it up, along with the other things, and put them under the tree from Santa – and surprise her dad.  Knowing that the girls and their very significant others would be there, I laughed and said yes.  This Christmas was already super weird, so why not make it epic?

And then I instantly forgot about it.

The day finally came to open presents with the kids.  The tree was beautiful, the fire was lit, and we were all taking turns opening our gifts (yes, we’re that kind of family). I reached for a small gift that was to me from Santa and opened it. Inside was a pretty pink tube of cream.  Without thinking I sniffed it (peppermint) and proceeded to rub it all over my hands, thinking it was hand lotion. I glanced at D1 and she was looking at me with horror. Then she covered her mouth and started laughing. Hard.

It took a couple of seconds before it clicked.

Oh  shit…it’s THE CREAM!!

I looked at my greasy hands and started laughing, too.

D1 had to explain what was so funny to everyone else. D2 was also horrified but somehow didn’t seem surprised. I don’t know if I just no longer shock her with how dumb I can be, or if she knew about it.  Hubby was totally confused for a second and then just asked if it worked.

I never looked at the boys to see what their reactions were – but I’m pretty sure that was not on their holiday wish list.

Here’s the answers to a few FAQs I’ve received after sharing this story:

1. No, it didn’t make my hands warm and tingly
2. No, I haven’t tried it in its official capacity, mostly because I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS. But, I swear to God If the kids have taken it and are going to mail it to me again, that will start a war that I will win.
3. Yes, we have updated the delivery address.
4. No, I still haven’t found out what the boys think. I don’t want to know. But I can safely say they just got a peek into the level of crazy we are currently operating on.  

So, happy New Year everyone! 2025 went out with a tingle…and rest assured, I’ll be ordering my Prevegen shortly.

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