Subourbon Mom


Chardonnay – The Perfect Workout Substitute
October 17, 2019, 10:13 am
Filed under: Exercise, Food/Drink, Posts | Tags: , , , , , , , ,
butter

What my friends give me when I get uppity and ask for a buttery chardonnay…

Chardonnay is the perfect substitute for an intense workout.

Yeah, you heard me.  I said it.

Now let me work my way around to it and you’ll see how my flawless logic enabled me to skip many a workout, guilt-free.

When you workout, your body converts sugar into energy.  During intense exercise, there may not be enough oxygen to complete the process, so your body makes lactic acid in response.  But this can build up in your body more rapidly than you can burn it off.  Symptoms of lactic acid build-up are cramps, nausea, weakness and exhaustion.

Chardonnay’s delicious buttery taste comes from lactic acid produced after the first fermentation.  Too much Chardonnay can leave your crampy, weak, nauseous and even exhausted the next day.

So…if you don’t like to exercise, stick with a buttery Chardonnay. You’ll be fooling your body into thinking you had a workout!

You’re welcome.  That is all.



I am NOT a Survivor – Sorry, Jeff

I don’t know what it is about Americans in particular, but we seem to like watching TV shows that make sporting events out of activities other people do in their daily life.  Off the top of my head, Survivor and American Ninja Warrior come to mind. American Ninja Warrior takes the obstacle courses military organizations used to use for training and makes it into a giant, high-tech jungle gym for middle-class gym rats.  Americans play Survivor on islands where people actually scratch out a living every day – not just for 40 days and then are flown back to their AC and Netflix.survivor

And I love both of those shows.

We still watch Survivor. I hate the people, and it makes me mad, but it’s a train wreck each season, and there’s been 38 seasons.  It seems I’m compelled to watch adults relive 8th grade by lying, backstabbing, deciding as a group who’s undesirable, and seeking revenge later on as an outsider.

I like Survivor because it has contestants that can do all the things I can’t in prolonged, difficult social situations. Here are 9 reasons why I would never win survivor:  

  1. Starting Fires: If I don’t have Fatwood from Plow and Hearth or a stack of old newspapers, I’m pretty useless.  (Voted Off – Day 2)
  2. Food-shut downs, or “The Hangry’s:” Based on people’s reactions to my food shut-downs, I’m pretty sure I would be voted off in the first three days. Apparently, I become unreasonable and just a bit bitchy. They would probably require my one item I could bring to be a Snickers. There is no way I would voluntarily eat sugar-free food (i.e. rice) for 40 days straight without being one of those contestants that gets all listless and weepy (Voted Off – Day 3).funfetti
  3. Hot flashes in the Jungle: I always feel superior as I watch these skeletal twenty-somethings running around wearing teeny-weeny bikinis in the heat and humidity of whatever island they’re dropped on. I dare them to try that with a muffin top while having hot flashes. (Voted Off – Day 4)
  4. Compete without injury: I’ve got bad shoulders, bad hips and I throw like a chimp. Not exactly your desired anchor man in most competitions. That said, you need some swimming done?  I’m your girl. (Voted Off – Day 6)
  5. Solve puzzles: Can’t. Never could. See this? slide puzzle I’ve never been able to do it.  Or this? Rubiks cubeI took those apart or smashed them, depending on my mood. I could proibably hide that deficit for a few days, but not the whole time. (Voted Off – Week 2)
  6. Sunburn: I have an appointment this month to get more pieces of my face taken off (again). I’m pretty sure living on an island for month without sunscreen would hammer that last nail in my peaches-and-cream coffin. (Voted Off – Week 2)
  7. Think logically when tired: Let me put it this way – people at work know not toracerback give me anything after 3:00pm because my brain is tired. I’m pretty sure logical, chess-like thinking is not going to be my strong-suit after being sleep and sugar deprived.  Also, I still can’t figure out how to put on one of those bra things that makes your straps into a racerback. (Voted Off – Week 3)
  8. Maintaining the Lies: One time in the airport I was looking disapprovingly at a girl with a tramp stamp and a thong hanging way above her pants as she tied her shoe; two men were staring at me and laughing at my expression, not even paying attention to the thong. Apparently, my face does not hide my feelings as well as I thought. (Voted Off – Pick Any Day I Look At People)
  9. Razors:  Seriously, people and after 40 days, people would run away from the Sasquatch that I have become.  And the guys who wax their chests on the show?  One of my favorite things ever is to watch it slowly grow back in on each episode. (Voted Off – Day 39)island hair

So sorry, Jeff Probst.  I’m only fodder for the first episode, where they winnow out the sick and old, like lions culling the weak water buffalo from the herd.  But American Ninja Warrior – that’s another story.  I’m going to get Hubby to build a Warp Wall so we can start practicing.



Outsourcing Your Body – Vendor Assessments
July 19, 2019, 5:30 pm
Filed under: Exercise, Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Sports | Tags: , , , ,

Most of them time, my brain and my body work together pretty seamlessly – but sometimes I wonder if that same body hasn’t become the worst third-party vendor ever. Especially in my 40’s.

I recently started horseback riding again – and by that, I mean flopping around on top of my daughter’s wonderful horse as I try to make muscle memory turn into actual muscle doing.

After hours and hours of watching her ride in lessons and horse shows, I have a pretty good mental idea of the mechanics of how it is done. And, I remember how to physically do some of it from when I used to ride as a kid – but now I have to outsource the job to my much older and out of shape body.  As a third-party vendor, my current body’s still the cheapest (and only) option, but the relationship has begun to take a turn for the worse.

So, I Googled how to improve vendor performance:

First, Measure Performance – I do this every day, and sometimes I surprise myself with how well I (and my outsourced body) are doing; other days, I’m horrified. Take sleeping, for example. I used to be able to read for an hour and sleep through the night.  Now I’m lucky if I can stay awake for two paragraphs and snore half the night. On the other hand, I can do sit-ups, push-ups and burpees, and like getting up at the crack of dawn because.

Measuring performance leads to:  Listen to Your Vendor“How often do you really have a two-way conversation with your vendors about their issues and the support they need to do a better job for you?  Ok, so I just expect my body, er, vendor, to do what it was hired to do…but when my expectations are too high, or my body hasn’t had time to prepare (i.e. horseback riding), it does still try to find ways to meet my needs. The result – I rode for 20 minutes without falling off, but I couldn’t walk the next day.  Perhaps my outsourced body would tell me that it needs more time in the gym, less bourbon and maybe a vitamin on occasion.

Establish a Service Level Agreement – There was never an agreement, although it appears that as I age, my body is beginning to make the rules around what is happening, instead of me.

Vendor: You’re going riding again? Fine, I’ll do it, but you don’t get to walk anywhere for two days.

Me: I think we need to revisit our agreement. I’m supposed to be in charge.

Vendor:  I just made you pee a little.

Me:  That’s not funny.

Vendor: That’s just the beginning. Go ahead – eat that crabmeat again – I dare you.

Establish Routines and Be Predictable“It is much easier for vendors to better supply you when your ordering is predictable and consistent. Um, yeah, because life works like that. If I could be predictable, I would, but the best things in life usually aren’t in your routine…and if there’s a vendor cost for that, so be it. The 20-minute ride was worth it.

outsource1



Spongebob Nudiepants at the Gym
May 30, 2018, 6:00 pm
Filed under: Exercise, Misc. Humor, Sports | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Warning – this one is completely tasteless….read at your own risk…

I recently had a lengthy debate with some girlfriends over whether women should “vent the furnace” or wear underwear at night.

For those who said yes, that sleeping without underwear was their preference, the most common reason was because a long time ago, their mothers had said it was healthier.  My mom never said that, so I’m perfectly happy to be wrapped up like a Puritan every night.  Maybe the fact that I’m not going “nonederwear” explains why I have so many hot flashes at night – all that heat must have to go somewhere.

But apparently the idea that it is healthier to go without underwear is the same for whether or not people wear underwear with their exercise shorts that have the lining in them.  It seems that I am the only person in the universe that doesn’t go spongebob nudiepants at the gym.  But I have reasons:

  1. I’ve seen the sweat puddles in the exercise machine seats, and I don’t care how many wipes you use, once you see it you can’t get it out of your mind. I don’t want my stuff lathered up in someone else’s body butter.
  2. Men should double bag because no one wants to see the mouse get out of the house when it’s time to stretch. Women should do the same thing, because, let’s face it, sometimes a little landscaping might be amiss, and nobody wants that distraction either.
  3. And finally, I have a (completely unfounded) fear of Cooter Stank. I’m not the only one – have you seen the multitudes of products out there to prevent it?  And, weirdly, I’m not worried about it the rest of the time – I only freak out about it at the gym.  Even that doesn’t make sense because, let’s face it, morning workouts in the gym can be overwhelming to the olfactory senses.  Every day in the gym, no matter which gym you go to, it seems like there’s Man Who Ate Garlic Last Night, The Coffee Breather, and Please Use Deodorant As A Courtesy To The Rest Of Us Guy.

So, here’s an actual conversation in our house about wearing underwear under your shorts at the gym:

D1:  “Mom, you wear underwear to the gym?”
Me:  “Yep.”
D1:  “Why?”
Me:  “I’m afraid it will smell.”
D1:  “What will?”
Me:  “The Cooter.”
D1:  “Wait…what? Who calls it that?”
Me:  “Me.”
D1:  “I know somebody who has an ‘I Love Cooter’ magnet on their fridge.”
Me:  “You know that’s a political magnet, right?”
D1:  (Eye Roll) “Yes, I know, Mom.  I get the joke. But seriously, you know everybody in the gym smells bad, right?”
Me:  “I know, I just can’t help it.”
D1:  “You’re weird.”
Me:  (In my head – “You’re half me…” – secret smile)

I_Love_Heart_Cooter_Rectangle_Magnet_300x300



10 Signs You Shouldn’t Run 10ks: (#Monument10k)
April 28, 2018, 12:03 pm
Filed under: Exercise, Posts | Tags: , , , , , , , ,
  1. In all of your race pics (at a purchase price of a mere $18 each), there’s no thrill of victory or agony of defeat – you just look irritated, like your headband is too tight.
  2. You get super-annoyed and embarrassed when the guy running in the inflatable T-Rex outfit passes you – and yet you just can’t muster up the energy to try and catch him. Grandmas doing that weird run/walk thing also pass you…you know the ones – their upper bodies look like they are running, but their legs are just walking.trex
  3. You pour water on your face so you look sweaty just before you run past your gym’s sponsor tent, then walk the rest of the way.
  4. Every hill feels like Mount Everest, and nothing like level 10 on the tread mill.
  5. You consider stopping to see if the nice first aid people need any help in their pretty red tents; then you find the port-o-john with the longest line and stand in it.
  6. You don’t care at all what your race time is – you’re just happy you finished without needing a trip to the orthopedist and a bottle of Aleve.
  7. You own the cool Bluetooth headset but still carry your phone in its ridiculous mom-phone case.
  8. You seriously consider taking one of the beers those college kids in the togas are handing out, but you know it will end in guilt, a handful of Tums and maybe vomiting stealthily on T-Rex guy’s shoes from behind.
  9. Your special running socks don’t do shit – your hips, legs, and even your size-A boobs hurt after mile one.   People who actually achieve nipple chafing seem like they’re another species.
  10. …and yet you sign up repeatedly for “races” with misplaced optimism:
  • “I know I can do more than one mile this year…”
  • “This year the weather will be warmer/cooler/sunnier/cloudier so I’ll do better…”
  • “Wait…you put me in which flight?”
  • “I’ll just start running with you guys and walk when I need to…”
  • “Next year I’m going to start training earlier…and dress up as a Velociraptor.”



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