Subourbon Mom

Rum, Relaxation, and Regret: A Spa Cautionary Tale

Sitting here looking at the ice that is taking its sweet, sweet time melting (I’m so freaking over it), I started daydreaming about our pre-ice storm trip to Mexico…one we had been looking forward to for months so we could relax after a difficult and busy year. The resort was one of those all-inclusive resorts for couples, and we were ready for some down time.

You should know that when we first talked about this place, I told Hubby that if there was a cheesey, Las Vegas-style heart-shaped tub anywhere I was leaving. Rest assured, this was not Love Island. It was actually very classy and the service was excellent.

In fact, the resort guests in early January were mostly folks older than us and a few obvious honeymooners. God bless ’em – I’m sure they didn’t anticipate hanging out by the pool near Gerald, a former EVP of something nobody cares about and who is on his third wife. Gerald talks loudly into his phone on speaker mode. All afternoon, as Gerald and his wife mold themselves into their chairs, the staff dutifully bring a steady supply of gin and tonics for him, tequila and sodas for her. The talking gets louder as the gin and tonics kick in, but it was hard to tell how his wife felt about it because she’d had so much surgery or Botox nothing moved.

But I digress.

While we were there, we scheduled a couples massage for 4:00pm one afternoon. Of course, that was the day we met some fun people from Canada who were well-versed in the various rums and tequilas on offer at the swim-up bar. At 3:45, we remembered the massage, stopped at the restroom and sprinted to the spa.

The receptionist did a great job of hiding her disgust at what I am sure was a miasma of liquor coming off of us in waves. She escorted us into the changing rooms, and, after several tries, I got my wet bathing suit off, my feet into the slippers and the fluffy towel wrap thing on right side out. Eventually I met Hubby in the room for a two-part hour of relaxation: half back and neck massage, half facial.

It was great…until I had to pee half-way through.

We had just started the facial and I was doing the horizontal version of the pee-pee dance, when I finally gave in and told the very kind lady that I HAD to go. She laughed and removed whatever was covering my eyes, then helped me sit up and wrap myself in the towel. She marched me down a very long, peaceful hallway filled with light, palm trees, rocks and running water, all of which made the need even more urgent. I passed a couple of people but was on a mission, so just kept motoring for the bathroom.

As I entered the bathroom, I made a horrible mistake – I looked in the mirror.

Mrs. Doubtfire looked back at me. My face was covered in thick, white cream and my hair was sticking up like a crown all around my face.

I started laughing and barely made it into the stall.

It’s really hard to pee when you’re laughing.

When I finally came out, I avoided the mirror and high-tailed it back through the serene hallway and those few people walking silently about. This time I was aware of a few stares and possibly some disapproving glances.

In a few minutes I settled down and enjoyed the last of the session. But I did learn a few things that day:

1. Don’t be Gerald (or his wife). People will silently hate you just a little bit.
2. Don’t drink before or after a massage – the list of reasons why is as long as long as the hallway I had to traverse looking like a melted marshmallow.
3. If you are wrapped in a robe and slippers and covered in face cream, do not—under any circumstances—look in a mirror unless you are emotionally prepared to meet your new identity as “Haunted Spa Ghost.”
4. Serenity is fragile. It can be destroyed instantly by the sound of your own laughter echoing off stone walls while strangers silently judge your life choices.
5. No matter how fancy the resort, how calming the music, or how skilled the masseuse… I will always find a way to turn relaxation into a minor public spectacle.

So, a belated happy New Year my friends, and make sure you schedule some time for self-care!

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