Subourbon Mom

Spring Break at a resort in the Bahamas—what a great place to people-watch!  And, like anywhere else, there are stereotypes galore.  Here are a few I enjoyed watching as I sat by the pool, turning my skin into leather and racking up more dermatologist bills:

UnderBoob:  The woman who wears her bikini top on the water rides, and unbeknownst to her, it rides up

Aqua-Velva Man:  Sixty-year-old men who consistently try to pick up 20-year-olds in the casino

Flash More-Mom:  Mom whose bathing suit is too small for her augmented breasts

SliderMan: The guy who slides his way in front of you at the bar and gets served first

Fatman & The Toy Wonder:  The fat, Eurotrash guy who has a trophy wife/girlfriend on his arm; the toy is usually blond and significantly younger.

EnvironMan:  The granola tree-hugger who walks around the resort in recycled flip-flops and a t-shirt that says “Save the (fill in the blank),” but drinks from a Styrofoam cup

Narrow:  Named for the narrow strip of banana-hammock (man-thong) occasionally seen on European men, which only makes other men and women narrow their eyes to reduce the sight as much as possible, without looking openly grossed out.

Dumber Woman:  Can be pretty or not, often has a high-pitched squeal of laughter, orders champagne because it’s the only drink she can remember, and wonders why other women avoid her like the plague

The Incredible Bulk: The fat, pasty-white guy/girl who sweats all over the lounge chairs by the pool, and leaves a film of sunscreen in the water

Octopus Prime:  Club dancer whose hands roam so much it’s like there are eight of them

Selektra:  The teenage girl who, like, must agonize over which, like, lounge chair to sit on, which, like sunscreen to use, and, like, which frozen drink to order;

Green Banter:  The jealous men and women who viciously make comments about the others at the resort; when it’s not about you, it can be funny