Subourbon Mom

In The News
October 19, 2012, 3:49 pm
Filed under: Misc. Humor

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a negligent citizen when it comes to the news. I’m too lazy to change channels to get a well-rounded perspective, I don’t read magazines with articles longer than one visit to the bathroom, and I get most of my news from The Daily Show.  But every now and then, a news item will strike me as “too ridiculous to ignore.” I can’t stop thinking about it.

In the last three or four weeks, I have been amazed at the astute investigative reporting being done in our city. Several times after the Morning Murder Report, I have been yanked out of my pre-coffee haze and left staring at the TV asking myself, “Did I hear that right?”

Item 1:  A local fraternity house (Hubby’s, actually) recently had a fire that caused significant damage.  Cause—under investigation.  Really? Let’s see—14 fraternity guys living in an old house that shockingly catches fire in the middle of the night.  Sorry, folks, but that’s a no-brainer. There are really only a few possible causes, and no one is going to own up to any of them, except maybe cigarettes on the couch.  I’m sure for insurance reasons the authorities have to find the absolute cause, but I think it’s probably a safe bet that writing “stupidity” would suffice. Now, the college has to find housing for the 14 guys…what lucky hotel is going to get that honor?    

Item 2:  A severed goat head was found in a dumpster in one of the nicer areas of the county.  The lucky news reporter to cover this story was filmed giving the report while standing on top of the rubbish in the dumpster. It was a short clip, but even so she couldn’t keep her nose from wrinkling.  She did, however, make one point very clear: the goat had died before the head was severed. First, I’m pretty sure more people are concerned that there was a goat head in the dumpster at all, than that the head came off after the goat was dead. Either way…eeewww.  And just how did she come up with this theory? Because there was very little blood in the dumpster.  Just a thought: maybe the goat was alive when the head was severed, but the blood drained out before it ever got into the dumpster.  One popular theory was that a restaurant or individual could possibly have needed the meat. I, however, have a different theory:

I think this was the poor man’s version of taking it to the mattresses, as in the horse head left on the pillow in “The Godfather.” Nothing says I hate you like a goat head in your dumpster. Who would be the target of such a message, you ask? That’s easy: the lucky girl who had to stand on top of the putrid pile of refuse.  The expression on her face would have been reward enough.

Item 3:  Man found dead in house filled with dozens of poisonous snakes. Cause of death–under investigation.  Not only was the cause of death been under investigation for several days, but this crime, obviously filled with serpentine twists and turns to confuse even the most ardent investigator, was on the nightly news, the morning radio news, and in the local newspapers nearly every day. After about 5 days, the verdict was in: cause of death, complications due to snakebite. I’m guessing the two puncture wounds were a pretty big clue, but hey, you look at every-fang.  Can we ssssay ssssensationalism?   (Sorry, couldn’t resist) 

I’m just looking forward to the news coverage during the election. What’s the bet they figure out Obama is a Democrat and Romney’s a Republican? 

3 Comments so far
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This definitely rings true for me! I often get looks of disdain when I tell people that I don’t watch or follow the news. It’s all sensationalist and depressing stories, and I want to put nothing but happy, positive stimuli into my brain. I figure if it’s important enough, I’ll hear about through my social network.


Comment by strider717

So true! I would love to get a newspaper once a month that just had happy stuff in it. How refreshing!


Comment by libbyhall

Lets try this post again. So True. Remember when we were kids and watched Walter Cronkite? Not sure our kids will recognize true news where facts are triple checked and sensationalism is frowned upon.


Comment by Lynchburggal

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