Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: Apple, computers, humor, Mac vs PC, southern, teenagers
I am technology-repellant.
In fact, there are probably some groups like the CIA or FBI who, I am sure, would pay me a lot of money if I would walk into a room and wreak havoc on the computers, phones and televisions there, just as much as I do on the ones in my house.
I am the DEET of the technology world.
Hubby, in a moment of extreme sweetness and concern for me, decided with Daughter #1’s help, that not only do I need a new computer (which I desperately do…mine occasionally screeches like a coffee grinder), but that I need a Mac.
First, let’s be clear: I am a PC person.
And my brain is full. I simply cannot add any new information without deleting stuff that is vital, such as the location of my keys and the wine bottle opener. Learning a new system is out of the question.
So a couple of weeks ago, in walk Hubby and Daughter #1 with a brand new Mac for her, and one for me, too. They were so excited I couldn’t reiterate right then my firm desire to stay in the world of PC. To their consternation, as Daughter #1 sat at the kitchen table happily exploring her Mac, doing the awkward two-finger scroll thing, I sat on the couch and slowly let the resentment boil up.
“Who did they think they were, anyway?” I muttered to myself. “As if they know what I need in a computer! Maybe they could just pick out my clothes and tie my shoes, too…” This went on for some time, I think mostly inside my head. If not, they wisely ignored it. And yes, I did realize that I sounded like a spoiled little brat. But the tirade rolled on, as fast and furious as the election ads during The Voice.
The next night, with their encouragement I tried to make it work. First I had to transfer files from the PC. I did it!
But then I couldn’t open anything. Nothing worked. I fumed. By ten o’clock I had stomped off to bed, ratcheting up the sleep number so there was no way Hubby could climb up next to me.
The next day I tried to make the requisite appointment at the Apple store for some help. When I called, a chirpy, automated male voice announced that he understood complete sentences! He actually said this with real-ish enthusiasm. Then he cheerily informed me I couldn’t make the appointment I wanted except by going on-line. So I did.
It didn’t work.
Blood rushed to my face, and filth came out of my mouth that I’m pretty sure would have embarrassed Emimem. So I reached for the phone, ready to call back and yell, “F%$#* you! Did you understand that?” But, I resisted. I still needed to get in the damn store, and I’m pretty sure they tape those phone calls.
So I called Hubby instead. After listening patiently to ten minutes of foulness and hatred of inanimate objects misdirected toward him, Hubby was eventually able to get an appointment for me (don’t ask me how). That afternoon, in a strange role reversal much like the movie Freaky Friday, I became the petulant teen and Daughter #1 had to talk Mama down from the ledge.
“If you will stop being so pissed off, I’ll tutor you tonight,” she said, with the patience of Jobe. Later, she added, “Stay in the kitchen. I don’t want you to see what I’m doing. It’ll only make you ask questions and get all mad again.” Wow. She’ll go far in life, I’m telling you.
Even my tech-savvy teenager couldn’t figure it out. So, I soon sat at the Apple Store with another teenager/tutor named Zach, prepared to be humiliated. And really, Computer Gods, did he have to be cute in a Zach Ephron kind of way? I’m not a full-blown cougar, but it was hard not to notice…
Instead, he mumbled a lot of “that’s weird,” and “why won’t it do that?” Eventually, Zach managed to get most of it sorted out, then sprinted off his beanbag (seriously, that’s what we were sitting on) to escape the pathetically grateful Mrs. Robinson next to him.
So please, accept this blog for the miracle that it is—done on my new Mac, with only a small amount of cussing and one bourbon and ginger.
6 Comments so far
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Subourbon Mom 
Love it!!! I can so see you doing all this. I would also be the same way. Keep them rolling. You’re so talented with your words. I would have loved to be in your house when all this was going on. I know who to ask ??? if I ever graduate to a MAC. Love ya
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Comment by Norm Armitage October 21, 2012 @ 10:35 pmYep–we are living the suburban dream! 🙂
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Comment by libbyhall October 26, 2012 @ 1:52 amHi, Libby –
So enjoyed and related to this post!!! I bought a Mac Air about a year ago – it does get better!!! Kristin let me read your book while I was in Chicago last week really enjoyed it!!! Loved the characters and could hardly put it down. Had to read it in the middle of the night so I could finish it before I left :)) Your descriptions are excellent – You really have talent and hope that you will be able to pursue your dream.
Wishing you and your family a very happy fall!!!!
-Katherine
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Comment by Katherine Payne October 21, 2012 @ 11:19 pmThanks Katherine! I’m so happy you liked it!
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Comment by libbyhall October 26, 2012 @ 1:52 amSubourbon Mom, I feel your pain! I went through this transition 10 years ago, and now THEY want me to change back. And by THEY I mean the evil forces that are trying to destroy my life. Good luck to you!
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Comment by christinethings November 12, 2012 @ 12:56 amHubby asked me again if I wanted to change bad, and I honestly couldn’t decide. If they would just give me a freakin’ manual!!!
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Comment by libbyhall November 16, 2012 @ 1:52 pm