Prison Break–Diary of a Snowed-In 5-Year-Old

January 17, 2013, 8:58 pm
Filed under: Parenting | Tags: blizzard, diary, family, humor, mom, preschool, prison, snow, south, southern, subourbonmom, toddlers, weather

In light of the coming Snow-Mageddon, I thought you might enjoy the following diary, apparently written by a five-year-old “cellmate” during a snow/ice storm that kept him out of school for a week.

Day 1: Snow and ice storms have suspended the education-release programs until further notice, and have shut off all possibilities of tunneling out–the ground is too hard. The Day Warden, an attractive woman who smells like coffee and flowers, emerged as the Night Warden left in what is the only vehicle available for transporting us prisoners in snow. She has begun spending all hours with the television on, waiting for news of a break in the weather.
My younger cellmate and I are edgy and excited. During the storm, the Day Warden allowed us to put on our outside uniforms (puffy jacket, mittens and boots) and go into the exercise yard. I tried tunneling to escape, but broke one shovel before the Day Warden declared it was too cold and returned us to our cell. It took twenty minutes for her to change us back into our regular uniforms (Garanimal pants and shirt, designed to humiliate us and keep us from desiring to go out in public). She broke the rule about using foul language, but I guess for Wardens there isn’t any punishment. Good behavior (she didn’t see me tunneling) was rewarded with hot chocolate.

Day 2: The Night Warden returned last evening and brought with him dire predictions of more snow and ice. I try to keep my hopes up for an opportunity to escape, but it’s looking less likely each day. The Day Warden now alternates the news on television with mind-altering shows to mentally break us down. A small, yellow sponge and a pink starfish are especially effective. I can’t think or move when they are on. My cellmate has created his own indoor skating rink and glides on it in his socks. He has been to the infirmary twice for an ice pack after falling on the hardwood floors.

Day 3: The walls are getting closer. Made three shivs out of a pick-up-stick, a toothpick and a broken tinker toy. Left them in the couch cushions for the Day Warden to sit/step on. Results better than hoped for. Sent to solitary confinement, but totally worth it. Hoping Night Warden will bring in more opportunities for weapons. Star Wars and Transformer brands are preferred.

Day 4: My cellmate and I are climbing the walls. Literally. And the bookcase, the counters and all the squishy furniture. The walls also display prisoner artwork depicting our captivity—showing Harold and the Purple Crayon movie was not a smart idea on part of the Day Warden. Her response was “art therapy,” but making the gingerbread house was a colossal failure. The Day Warden didn’t know regular icing won’t hold the walls or roof together. My cellmate ran in circles after consuming fistfuls of “mortar.”

Solitary confinement again for giving cellmate “prison cut” with Day Warden’s sewing scissors.

Day 5: Food running low. Spent two hours in solitary for stealing food from cellmate. Meals now consisting of only canned vegetables, crackers and toast. Pretty sure mind-altering drugs are being given to us under the guise of “Benadryl.” Having trouble staying awake. Day Warden has begun carrying around a sippy cup filled with something she calls “Mommy Juice.”

Day 6: Beginning to fear for Day Warden’s sanity. She has begun to smell, and has changed from her normal uniform of jeans and a shirt with buttons to a Garanimals outfit similar to ours, but without the animals. The Day Warden also sent herself to solitary confinement. Heard the television blaring, but got no answer when I knocked. The Night Warden started his shift and tried to talk the Day Warden into coming out, but she locked her door and shouted “I can’t do this anymore! Shovel the damned driveway so I can get my car out, or there’s going to be less people in The House.” I hope she didn’t keep the shivs.

Day 7: The Night Warden announced that mind-altering television and drugs would be suspended until further notice. The exercise yard was cleared this morning, and the Night Warden stayed for day shift; the Day Warden took the specialized vehicle for the day. While she was gone, the Night Warden instituted a work release program. We worked in the laundry, the exercise yard (shoveling), and the kitchen. Sent to infirmary and solitary again after testing knives. Kitchen duty suspended. Mind-altering drugs and television resumed.

Day 8: Education-release program resumed today. The Day Warden sang as she drove.