Subourbon Mom


Atlantis: The Fountain of Youth Needs Some Chlorine

Ahhh…the human mating ritual, commonly known as Spring Break, has begun. For those high school seniors lucky enough to be able to flee the cold and go somewhere warm, bathing suits are agonized over, spray tans are purchased, and cheesy, I-think-this-is-what-grown-ups-wear-at-night-in-bars-clothing is packed.

I recently spent a week at the Atlantis Resort for my teenaged daughters’ Spring Break. While my kids are not even close to being eighteen and they weren’t eligible to drink, I saw many who were, and it made me realize one very, very important thing:

There is NO WAY my kids are going to a resort for Spring Break when they’re eighteen, at least not without my being there.

I also learned several other things:

  1. Spring Break at a beach resort is a Victoria’s Secret marketer’s Nirvana.  Everywhere we looked during the day, there were bathing suits and cover-ups from the catalog, as well as the requisite Aviators and Ray Bans. At night, herds of 18-20 year-olds wandered through the casino wearing in-style shorty-shorts with super-high heeled wedges, looking like preschoolers playing dress-up. However, unlike the models in the catalogs, most of the teenage girls were not an emaciated 5’8”; they were pasty white (or white with red sunburn blotches), and lurched around like giraffes in those ridiculous shoes.
  2. I have no desire to wear anything from the Victoria’s Secret catalog ever again.
  3. I am proud of my ability to manage a buzz (after years of practice). In years past, I would have watched with perverse admiration as a guy upended a Grey Goose bottle and chugged away. This time, all I could think was, “Dude, you’re just gonna hurl on the next girl you dance with. Good luck with that.”
  4. I enjoy the fact that I can walk into a casino and out of it again without blowing a ton of money on the tables, or my dinner on the carpet.
  5. The amount of material that passes for a bikini these days could be purchased in the Band-Aid section of a pharmacy. Before we left, I spent some time outside the Target dressing rooms, waiting for my girls to find something we could agree on.  I eventually buried my hypocrisy, realized there aren’t any bottoms that cover enough to make me happy, and choked back a “Hell no, you’re not going out like that!” I shouldn’t have worried. Compared to many of the girls I saw at the resort, my daughters and their friends looked like nuns.
  6. I have new appreciation for the tankini, especially when riding in a tube in the Lazy River. Those who are brave enough to wear a bikini top risk becoming the newest super hero: UnderBoob, as the top tends to ride up unexpectedly. There is also less risk of leaving a layer of sunburned skin on the tube when you’ve been in it for as while.
  7. Hip-hop music is addicting, no matter how old you are.
  8. Bourbon is a great lubricant for dancing–however, 40-year-old knees don’t bend as much as 20-year-old knees, and it IS possible to get stuck.
  9.  I am not the cougar I thought I was.  I used to say I wanted a guy with a 40-year-old brain in a 20-year-old body.  But there’s a reason a 40-year-old brain is the way it is–we’ve learned all the things 20-year-olds are still toddling through, and it makes us more interesting.  Ok, that was a load of crap. The truth is, any 40-year-old who has a 20-year-old’s body spends WAY too much time in the gym, and wouldn’t have any time left for me.

10. I don’t want to be eighteen again.  Twenty-five? Now that I could do, at least for a weekend.

 

 

 


7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Agreed on al but number 7. Don’t think I’ll ever get there. I’m more of a Townes Van Zandt kind of guy.

Comment by The Dang Yankee

I listent to everything, but hip hop has its place–especially on the dance floor after about 2 bourbon and gingers!

Comment by libbyhall

Yeah, I can see how bourbon would help in that department. It might take more than two for me, though, but I could see myself getting there.

Comment by The Dang Yankee

This list is awesome. And thanks for the warning, I’ll stay far away from everything on Spring Break. I never really got the drinking/hurling thing so I don’t want to be around a ticking time bomb of toxic vomitage. As for those shoes, I’m bitter that I can’t wear them without toppling over. Argh.

All in all, it’s awesome that you went with your daughters (and not just because you came back with this hilarious list). That’s something that my Mom would do, only she’d be openly mocking the guys slamming down various bottles and acting all macho. I can practically hear her “overcompensating” observations.

Comment by Katie Renee

I never could wear those shoes…way too clutzy. Sounds like your mom & I would get along great! And yes we made a few of those comments too…I wouldn’t miss spring break with my family, especially now that my girls are coming if age in a scary world. God knows I never had to worry about anybody putting things in my drinks, etc.

Sent from my iPad

Comment by libbyhall

“5.The amount of material that passes for a bikini these days could be purchased in the Band-Aid section of a pharmacy.”
This made me crack up! I’ve been incredulous for years about how my bra and underwear cover up more than my bikini, yet if I were to wear those to the pool it would be a scandal!

Comment by Kelly

I actually forgot I had my bra on and went outside, to the mortification of my kids!

Comment by libbyhall




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