Subourbon Mom


Inventions I’ll Never Patent, But Someone Will

As promised last week, here are a few inventions I would like to patent but never will, because I am lazy, can’t do math or chemistry, and don’t want librarians or activists to hunt me down. Football coaches, I’ve seen your physiques–good luck catching me.

1.  Condoms with the words “What Would Jesus Do?” printed on them. It’s the perfect compromise, people—pro-choice, and yet discouraging at the same time. For the non-Christians among us, substitute whatever deity you believe in. For atheists and religions that don’t worry so much about sex as much as Christians do, change it to “Do you like changing diapers?”  If you are more worried about disease than pregnancy, or if you work for the CDC, change it to, “Do you have your $50 co-pay ready?”

IMG_1975

Puke Pourri:
Spritz our smelly stuff about,
And the puke smell’s gone
By the time you check out!

2.  A spray that makes library books stop smelling like vomit. Daughter #2 always asks me, “When we can go to Barnes & Noble?,” (we are not electronic readers) and I always reply that the library books are free, so we should go there instead. “Not thanks,” is her reply. When I asked her why she never wanted to go to the library, Daughter #2 said, “They always smell like throw-up.” So of course, I went to the library and amused myself (and others I’m sure) by smelling lots of books in the children and teen sections. You know what? She was right. They do smell like vomit. So, in the same spirit as the incredibly wonderful Poo-Pourri spray (sold at Hallmark–thanks Debra!) that eliminates poo odors in the bathroom, I would invent “Puke-Pourri” spray, conveniently sold at all libraries. It could even be a fundraiser for our national libraries!

3.  A remote, phone-specific disconnection timer app that would disconnect certain phones in my house from the WiFi for certain periods of time during the day, like 7:00-8:00am, and during scheduled homework times.  This would make getting out the door in the mornings with teenagers easier, and the process of getting homework done much faster.   This app would be controlled by specific phones (mine), so the teenagers could not turn it off. I Googled it–so far all I saw was a list of sites complaining about phones disconnecting all by themselves…

4.  The hormone alert wristband.  If only humans were as straight-forward as cats when they want to have sex.  When a cat is in heat, she will meow incessantly, sending out her mating call for all the tomcats in the area to hear (It’s only finny if it’s not your cat).  If only men and women could send out signals like that in a bar, or, even better, after a decade or three of marriage.  The hormone alert wristband can be made for both men and women. The woman’s band would determine estrogen and progesterone fluctuations, alerting her partner that her emotions might be running high, or that her estrogen levels are low, so trying any hanky-panky is most likely futile (unless you want to keep pestering for some pity sex, in which case I say good luck to you–keep trying and you might draw back a bloody stump). The men’s wristband would detect testosterone levels, alerting his companion to the fact that he is more likely to be aggressive; and it would detect vasopressin levels which, according to a Men’s Health article (http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/understanding_sex_and_the_brain/printer.ph), are involved in regulating sexual persistence, assertiveness, dominance, and territorial marking.  High vasopressin levels could alert his partner to the increased likelihood that the man will want sex, or might be inclined to wander. Either way, if a woman’s estrogen levels are low at the same time, put the basketball game on–he won’t bother you or anyone else.

Photo courtesy of ajc.com

Photo courtesy of ajc.com

6.    An NFL coach that teaches players how to tackle. 


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Do you seriously think it would be a better world id women acted more like cats in heat? Gonna have to think that over for oh, about a millisecond. 😉

Comment by Bruce Anderson

It would be efficient but very loud!

-Libby

>

Comment by libbyhall

I’d die if my library books smelled like vomit. In fact, I have so many questions related to that…

Comment by Katie Renee

Creepy, isnt it? Glad you’re back! I haven’t been getting your stuff lately–will have to re-sign up again I think…

-Libby

>

Comment by libbyhall




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