Senior Assassins

May 3, 2016, 11:46 am
Filed under: Posts

Senior assassin 2

One of the best things about Senior Year where we live is a game the Seniors in high school play in the spring called “Senior Assassin.” Although not sanctioned in any way by the schools, students at the different schools in the area compete against their classmates to win money be being the last, remaining assassin. The rules vary from school to school, but the basics are pretty simple:

Weapons are squirt guns
Targets are randomly assigned; when you “kill” your target, their target automatically becomes your new target
No “assassinating” on school grounds, at a school event, at your place of work, in your home, or if you are in your underwear.
Periodically the organizer can call for a “purge” in which those who have not “killed” their target are eliminated after a period of time.

In March and April, it’s not unusual to see strange cars camped in the cul-de-sacs around town, and nervous teenagers looking out their windows to see if the coast is clear. For parents this means having to inform the neighbors that no, the creepy guy sitting in the old minivan down the street isn’t a rapist or pedophile – he’s just a Senior Assassin. It also means losing your parking space in the garage for a couple of months so your child doesn’t get “shot” while trying to go from the car to the house. For siblings this is a wonderful opportunity to make some cash while getting revenge, or to make up for some transgression earlier in the year by staying loyal and not giving up their brother or sister’s whereabouts.

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A couple of weeks ago, Daughter #1 made a bold move to get her target. She found out he was at the Tropical Smoothie across the street from the local mall; she lurked outside, waiting for him to come out. When he saw her, he sprinted across the street and into the mall, with our sweet angel in hot pursuit, brandishing her water pistol like Elliott Ness. It seemed her cross country training was going to prove to have another benefit: they sprinted past Maggiano’s restaurant faster than Donald Trump can alienate woman voters. Restaurant patrons waiting outside shouted encouragement, telling her which way he went. Unfortunately, her victim also ran cross country that fall, and eventually she lost him, but not before getting off a couple of shots that went wild.

While some may criticize the whole affair, saying it sends the wrong message and minimalizes the danger of guns and terrorists, I think the game has a few valuable lessons to teach:

Your child’s addiction to social media can and will be their downfall in this game; all those Instagram and SnapChat pics they post will eventually let folks know where they are. Plus, you never know who’s following who.
Senior Assassin is a great way for stressed out Seniors to blow off some steam after applying to colleges and staying focused long enough to pass their exams.
It’s much harder to shoot a moving target than it looks in the movies
Parents DO NOT like to get squirted with cold water at 6:30am when they go out to get the paper.
There’s no shame in walking in your underwear from your car to the front door if it means your parents get their garage parking space back. For girls, you should be wearing sensible underwear anyway (i.e. Granny Panties). For boys, well, thanks to Seinfeld we all know about shrinkage anyway. No shame there.
Consider it a first job – if you do it the best, you’ll take home the money.

At the time of this publication, Daughter #1 is still “alive,” and contemplating her next move. Years of watching the TV show Survivor have honed her skills in making alliances and trusting no one. Her Find-a-Friend app is off, and I am still parking outside. Daughter #2 has proved to be a loyal ally, offering to shield her as they go into stores. So when you see one teenager in hot pursuit of another down the street, or a teen getting hosed with a water gun randomly in a Starbucks, don’t be alarmed. Well, be alarmed, but realize the game is underway, and money for midnight snacks at college is on the line. But most of all, wish them luck as they prepare to embark on the next stage of their journey – there aren’t many more times when they will be allowed to embrace their childhood like this again.