Spoons Don’t Make People Fat – People Make People Fat

June 16, 2017, 7:57 am
Filed under: Posts

Although my timing may be poorly chosen based on recent events in the news, I couldn’t help but rolling my eyes when I heard for the hundredth time “Guns don’t kill people – people kill people.” I was eating a giant bowl of cookie dough, and all I could think was, “Spoons don’t make people fat – people make people fat.” In fact, while I’m a proponent of limited gun control, I was shocked when I saw the difference between the number of gun-related deaths annually vs. the number of deaths attributed to obesity. Guns may do the job more quickly and messily, but apparently obesity kills 10x the number of Americans than guns do. So, I thought…and that always gets me into trouble….

If we’re going regulate guns, we should regulate cutlery.

Oh, I can hear those of you against gun control screaming already. Save it.

This is a fun blog, not a political one. And before everyone gets all up in arms (Get it? Up in arms?) about me picking on obese Americans, I’m fully aware that government regulation and changes in our behaviors as a society have been major contributors to the foods we are encouraged to eat and the rising obesity levels in the last 6 decades. Not everything is our fault. I get it.

Relax – I’m going to dish up some fun.

Let’s face it – regulating the food industry has failed miserably. We can’t even keep unhealthy food out of our schools, and that’s where we have the most control over what our children eat, besides in our own houses. Hell, we even suck at regulating water – just ask anybody in Flint, Michigan.

So here’s my proposal:

Limit the Types of Cutlery Available: First, you have to get rid of the “big guns” of the cutlery world – your ladles, ice cream scoopers and anything disposable. Why make it easier for people to overeat by making cutlery bigger? And why make it so we don’t even have to wash what we use? And whoever invented the spork should be shot, er, jailed, because that was just a crime in itself. It’s either a spoon or a fork, people – not both. The tines aren’t big or strong enough to spear lettuce and the spoon part isn’t big enough to scoop anything worth scooping.

Tax the Ammo: Tax the unhealthy foods, and lower the price on healthy foods. Twinkies should never be cheaper than apples. Ok, you can tax kale. I hate kale.

Perform Background Checks: If you’re on medication for obesity-related issues, have a severe heart condition or a history of eating irresponsibly or emotionally (like a giant bowl of cookie dough), you should be allowed minimal cutlery purchases, including basic utensils for cooking and a knife and fork. Of course, now that the health industry’s records are all becoming automated, this should be easy to track. I’m sure there won’t be any mistakes.

Registered Cutlery: If you purchase cutlery, you must register it. Unregistered cutlery will result in a fine. By doing this, three new economies will be created: engravers to put serial numbers on each piece, the government will hire people to inaccurately keep track of all the data, and the black market will thrive as picnickers struggle with the idea that they will have to carry their utensils around after they eat. Restaurants, of course, will have special dispensations, in the same way shooting ranges have special licenses.

See? It wouldn’t be too hard, and I’m sure the results would be similar to our successes with gun control. I’m off to eat my own cooking and put down my spoon. In fact, I’ll eat an apple with my bare hands – it’s healthy and only taxed in my state at 4.5%.