Subourbon Mom


Don’t Slur Your Driving

beach

Dear Rental House Owner –

Thank you so much for your nice letter and for helpfully providing your lawyer’s name and address, although I don’t think it will be necessary.  We had a great girls’ weekend staying in your beach house, and everyone was so friendly!  It’s nice when a bunch of middle-aged women can get together for some relaxing quiet time at the beach. I hope you saw that we replaced the wine glasses and re-stocked the liquor cabinet. The combination for the replacement padlock is written on a sticky note by the phone.

And thank you for asking if we got home okay after our night out.  We had no idea that your friend Jim owns the _________________ Bar – he was very sweet to escort us personally to our car after Sarah twisted her ankle on the stage.  It was also very kind of him to kick that married guy out after he said, “I like your rack” to Lisa.  Those drinks the married guy sent over for us that tasted like liquid Skittles were nasty – give us good wine or bourbon any day – what was he thinking?  Please tell Jim we hope we didn’t drive too many of his younger customers away with our dancing.  Those millennial girls just don’t have the moves we do, and I think they were embarrassed at how much better we were. (They sure do know how to roll their eyes though.)  But one nice girl came up to Cheryl and said it must be nice to trust your friends enough to let them hold while you hang upside down like that.

Your next-door neighbor was also very nice, letting us come up on one of his balconies to watch the sunset.  When Terry fell and broke her wine glass because she miscounted the steps, he asked if she was okay and didn’t even comment on her speech impediment (it’s often confused with slurring). We cleaned up the wine and broken glass for him, but he had already gone inside so we couldn’t say thank you in person.

You must have a lot of crime in that area – that explains all the cameras.  We would greatly appreciate it if you would please tell your other neighbors we were only trying to be helpful when we checked that their hot tub was clean and the heater was working (it was).  You might also want to pass on that the cleaners didn’t do a very good job.  There was lots of sand in the bottom of the hot tub and two bottles of Fireball had been left on the porch rail.  We didn’t want the cleaners to get into trouble so we finished the Fireball off – hence the empties. There wasn’t much we could do about the sand. But if your neighbors find a diamond stud earring, they can put that towards the next cleaning fee.

We noticed that things were a bit dry in North Carolina, so we decided to save water for you by bathing over there.  Lisa’s suit color tends to run, so she thought it might do better in the pool.  Oh, and by the way, the neighbors also might want to have their pool deck leveled out.  Apparently, what they saw on the camera was Lisa falling on the uneven pavement as she was putting her clean bathing suit back on. She must have bumped her head, because she put it on upside down and inside out. We still haven’t figured out how that’s even possible, but that’s Lisa for you.  But don’t worry, she says she doesn’t have any interest in litigating the injury.

Yes, we did have one extra person stay overnight.  The nice lifeguard we met at Jim’s bar offered to drive us home, and it’s a good thing he did because there aren’t a lot of Ubers around on the off season (none seemed available that late at night – we kept getting declined).  I wonder if you know him?  There can’t be that many lifeguards who also have a degree in tribal mating dances – that’s probably what you saw on your cameras.  But it was extremely fortunate he was there because Cheryl must have had some kind of reaction to the food at the bar – she required mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lifeguard was very concerned for her privacy so he took her into the other room and managed to revive her after several minutes.  After that, it was late and he was tired, so the least we could do was let him spend the night.  He was a real gentleman – he even fixed us all breakfast the next morning.

If you find the following items we would appreciate it if you would return them:

2 black bathing suit tops

1 pink thong

1 blue bathing suit bottom

1 floral eye mask

3 pairs of readers – black, navy blue and hunter green, varying strengths

Thanks again for your letter of concern, and as you can see, no lawyers will be necessary.  We are happy to pay for any damages we didn’t already repair, but I don’t think the tire tracks in your front yard were from us. Sadly, there were a lot of drunk people out that night – some people just can’t handle themselves on vacation. Even the nice police officer who stopped us on the way home said the lifeguard was just driving a little fast. After looking into the car when Cheryl starting yelling “Don’t slur your driving!” and seeing that Lisa was a bit green around the gills, he decided to let us go. What an understanding young man! He even fist bumped the lifeguard.  Your beach town is such a friendly place! You must feel so proud to have a house there!

Until next year,

The Girls.

 

 

 


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

You are hilarious! Where do you get this stuff?

Comment by Marcia Bracy

You have no idea…

Comment by subourbonmom

That’s hilarious. You need to publish it. Mary

Mary Miley Theobald http://www.marymileytheobald.com

>

Comment by Mary Miley




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