Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: ambulance, charity, emergency, fireman, first responder, medical, medicine, poop, poop monster, work
Beware – this one is not for the squeamish
or the judgemental….
Amid all the thank-yous and celebrations for our First Responders as the pandemic rages around the country, it’s important to remember that these extra acts of bravery and self-sacrifice are in addition to the normal stupid and often really gross stuff they have to deal with.
A friend of mine who is a firefighter submitted this to me and said I could use it. (Hopefully, he or I will start another blog about the things they have to deal with – the funny, the gross and Darwinian selection in action.) So here goes – (reminder: this is not for the squeamish!):
I got sent to Station 4 for the medic unit. A very nice medic named Christy (names have been changed, yadyadayada…) was my partner. We checked out all the equipment; unfortunately, we never discussed a plan for The Secreting Poop Monster.
The Secreting Poop Monster was found passed out on the floor of a bus shelter. Christy and I pull up, and “Stacie,” the officer at the scene, met us.
“That guys smells like shit. That’s why I’m over here. Good luck,” she said.
Christy and I go over and assess the Poop Monster. He is drunk and hypothermic, and has been laying on the wet floor of the bus shelter all night. Poop is everywhere on the floor. It is all over him – as plentiful as trash on Sunday morning after the Virginia Garlic Festival.
At Christy’s suggestion, I paved the cot with two layers of blue absorbent napkins. Then I paved that layer with two more layers of bed sheets. Together, Christy and I picked up the Poop Monster and laid him on the cot. He soaked through all the layers instantly.
Christy yelled “Cover him up!”
I had the presence of mind to bring two more sheets and a blanket. I instantly threw all three layers down over top of the patient, and Christy worked feverishly to tuck in both sides and his feet. Honestly – it was like trying to wrap a soaked car-washing sponge in a dry towel, and expecting the towel to absorb all the water from the sponge. Within seconds, brown stains began appearing on the TOPSIDE of the outside blanket that was covering him.
Christy and I had both dressed in full Star Trek, Season Three science fiction outfits. We put the Poop Monster in the back of the medic unit and Christy yelled, “JUST GO! Priority One – Lights and sirens!”
Four minutes later we were unloading the Poop Monster at the hospital. That medic unit likely has a bent frame from me slamming over speed bumps at 50 mph. We wheeled him into his room – and then, he topped 29.5 years of disgusting calls, including The Bug Lady of Station 5 who had a gangrenous, open toe, a bleeding sore on her chest, a prolapsed uterus and lice, which required me to take a shower in paint thinner.
Christy and I had positioned the cot containing the Poop Monster along side the regular ER hospital bed. The plan was for the two of us to position ourselves on opposing sides of the cot, reach down into the lower abyss, grab hold of the leading edge of the bottom-most sheet on the cot, pick up and slide the Poop Monster over to the hospital bed.
All was good. I had my side, and Christy had hers. We had agreed she was the point person and would give the orders. I was looking her straight in the eye across the cot, waiting for the “shift” command. Suddenly, she gets this puzzled look on her face. She pulled out her gloved hand, looked at her index finger in utter disbelief.
In the most perfectly unruffled, even-tempered voice that I have ever heard, she said, “A maggot has just crawled from this man’s ass, and it is now wagging its little tail on my index finer. Oh my God – what should I do?”
Sure enough, I looked across the cot and poor Christy was staring, fixated, at a white maggot.
“Drown it,” I said. I grabbed her by the arm, dragging her over to the sink and washed her gloved hand with hot water.”
And that, gentle readers, is the kind of thing First Responders have to deal with during regular times – in addition to the pandemic crises they are being called on to handle as well. The Poop Monster may have been an extreme case, but remember: First Responders take care of people from all walks of life, in all living conditions and with all kinds of ailments, mental and physical. They frequently put themselves in harm’s way so others can survive. So the next time you get one of those solicitations from your local First Responders for donations, be generous and be kind. Write that check and remember to give way on the road when you see them coming. Someday it could be you or your loved one.
Or, they could just be covered in shit.
Either way – be generous.
Be kind.
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