Subourbon Mom

Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever felt like you have no business doing what you’re doing? Like you are in no way qualified, and that any minute people will see right through you? It’s called Imposter Syndrome, and most of us have all felt it to varying degrees.

“I cannot believe people are actually trusting me to take care of a real, live newborn baby. What are they thinking?”

“I am in no way qualified to do this job – these people really need to work on their hiring process.”

“I have no business being in this competition. Everyone else is better than me. I’m just going to suck, then have a meltdown in my car and go home.”

(By the way – despite my fam calling me “Dr. Libby” because, let’s face it, I like to diagnose – sometimes correctly – people based on totally sketchy things I’ve read, I am not actually a doctor and am using any actual medical terms pretty loosely. I am also not in any way trying to minimize real mental health issues.)

I don’t often feel that way – probably because of a very misplaced, innate sense of self-confidence, or because I take great care to keep people’s expectations low…I mean LOW…so they (and I) aren’t disappointed. But lately I’ve been wallowing in it – with my sport and my appearance.

Let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome in sports – I’ll follow up with appearance in the next blog.  Most of you know I love riding horses. The smell of the barn, the necessity of being present, and of course the partnership that comes with hard work and trust. But the last few months have been a mental struggle, feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and that I really don’t deserve to move on to the next level.

In the horse world, feeling like you don’t measure up happens A LOT. At some barns, people can be judgmental about the horse you own, the quality of your tack or your clothes – like Mean Girl judgmental. Even the very nature of horse shows is judgy – you are literally paying someone to judge you.

But I’m not showing right now, and I don’t belong to a barn where people are competitive with each other – in fact, it’s just the opposite. We are incredibly supportive, even when we see the train going off the rails. So why do I still sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to be riding the horse I am leasing?

I think it’s because Imposter Syndrome can also be caused by our own reception of kindness.

What I mean is, it’s easier to dismiss people who are judging you who don’t know you, don’t know your story, and don’t know your goals. It’s harder to live up to people who are being kind. It’s a whole lot easier to say, “She’s a bitch and doesn’t know me, so I can let her judgement go.”  It’s a lot harder to say, “This person has invested an interest in me and is helping me work through my shit. I don’t want to disappoint them…but I know I’m going to. I don’t deserve to be here, doing this because I’m going to suck.”

Wow – so you feel bad when you think people are being mean, and you feel bad when people are being nice.  You (and the nice people) are in a lose-lose situation.  

So how do you break out of this? Someone probably has a dissertation about it, or a self-help book on how to deal with this…but here’s what I’m trying to do.

Recognize that real kindness comes from a place of compassion, with no expectations. The only expectations others who are kind are putting on me are fictional – my own brain is coming up with these all on its own.  I need to remember to recognize it, own it and embrace what is being handed to me.

Practice talking positively to myself.  I need to remember to not talk to myself any less kindly than I would to a friend or a neighbor. Part of that positive talk is keeping perspective and looking back on how far I’ve come.    

Recognize that there are good days and bad days, and they’re both okay. Some great advice I got was from a Pilates instructor who said at the beginning of every class, “Do the best you can with what you brought today.” It’s important to recognize that I’m not going to kill it every day. And, on the days when I don’t and the whole ride is a shit show, I need to take a nugget of positivity – even if it’s “Hey, that was a shit show, but you didn’t die – look how strong your legs are now!” Or, “That was a mess, but what did you learn?  You can use that next time.” 

So, for the friends who are being kind to me, don’t feel bad and please don‘t stop – it’s a me issue. Plus, you get actual mental and physical health benefits from being kind, too.  For those of you who are in fact judging me (when I haven’t paid you to), piss off.  I know you’re an Imposter, too.  

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