Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: anxiety, apocalypse, comedy, humor, plague, survivor, UFOs
These days there is a lot of fear mongering, talk of anarchy and threats of various apocalypse scenarios. If you believe the social media “preppers,” the apocalypse is coming in the form of World War Three, a plague, or UFOs.
Or maybe the world is eventually going to be underwater.
Well, if any of those scenarios are on the horizon, I can rest easy because I’m not a survivor. Nor do I want to be.
I’ve seen enough Thunderdome movies to know that I wouldn’t make it past the first week.
Here are things I do NOT bring to the table:
Weapons or the skills to use them. I’m pretty sure my throwing axes will only protect me if my attacker is 10 feet away and standing still.
Medical knowledge or herb lore. Despite the fact that my family jokingly calls me “Dr. Libby,” I’m really just a fast Googler. As for the herb lore, if it’s a nuclear attack, you can’t eat what would be left. If we’re floating around an endless ocean because of climate change, seaweed will only do you so much good. That’s pretty much the extent of my ocean flora knowledge.
Mechanical ability. I can barely work a screwdriver, and IKEA instructions make me break out in hives. So no, I won’t be the person who’s fixing machines, jumping car batteries or siphoning gas to save the day.
Procreation. My body is no longer equipped to produce offspring, much less offspring that would adapt to a post-apocalyptic new world. I’m pretty much a post-apocalyptic recessive gene.
Here’s what I DO bring to the apocalypse:
Humor. If you can’t laugh at the situation, you’ll cry. So maybe I can keep some people from falling apart by making snarky observations. I’ll eventually become a court jester.
Documentation. I can write down what happened and how people survived. I’m told I’m good with dialogue when I write fiction. I will explain the weird lines on our (underwater) roads and strange phrases future archeologists uncover, like “Let’s Go Brandon” and “what’s your Roman Empire.”
Medical Assistant (certain conditions only). When it comes to radiation poisoning, I’m your girl. People throwing up doesn’t bother me at all. But, if there’s an attack with a respiratory component, I’m out. Snot makes me dry heave.
Medicinal Alcohol. My house could be a temporary source of medicinal antiseptic and anesthesia, given our current supply of bourbon. Until those supplies run out, we can all figure out how to make moonshine from ash, instead of actual crops.
Realistically, by the time the apocalypse happens, us non-survivors will probably already be assigned red Star Trek security shirts so we’ll be easy to identify. That way, others won’t waste time trying to save us when they could be building a desalinization machine out of seashells.
So if you’re a McGyver, a Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs, or someone who knows how to operate multiple vehicles, more power to you. You go all Thunderdome out there and keep the human race going. I’ll see you on the other side, wearing my shiny red sweater.
Filed under: Country Living, mental health, Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: adulthood, animals, anxiety, Birds, cows, de-stress, family, health, humor, mental health, mindfulness, self-care, stress relief, videos
I know different people have different ways that they relax. My family, except for me, finds puzzling a fun, relaxing thing to do. Me? Not so much. I get frustrated and annoyed, partly because I don’t get instant gratification, but also because I’m competitive and it takes too long to get a win.
Wait – competitive…with puzzling? How is that possible?
Well, in our family, SOME people give each completed piece three annoying taps for completion emphasis. Dude, I saw it – no need to gloat-tap. Then there’s the secret and not-so-secret tally that they keep in their head…until they don’t.
So yes, puzzling can be competitive in our house, and it’s not relaxing.
But what I do find disturbingly relaxing is watching Nate the Hoof Guy on social media as he cleans, files, and repairs nasty cow hoof after nasty cow hoof.
It’s amazing.
At first, I thought I liked them because I love horses, and I also like watching farriers work at our barn – but it’s more than that.
Farriers of all kinds every day do back-breaking, precise work that requires a high level of knowledge, skill, experience and patience. What’s amazing is how much videos of what they do satisfy my need for the cleaning, leveling and instant gratification that comes from hoof cleaning. I think it’s a passive way for me to feel like there is control in a world where things often feel so out of control.
Yep, I could watch him sand the hooves, then scrape away layer by layer until the problem is found. Even the spraying away of all the dirt and manure and other barn funk is satisfying. And if he gets to the layer where an infection or abscess breaks through?
That is THE BEST.
And it’s not just horse people who watch these videos. I’ve had so many people admit that they also secretly watch them and find them satisfying. I guess it’s something along the lines of Dr. Pimple Popper. However, that show just grosses me out. Human fluids are just nasty.
Would it be healthier for me to just clean my own space better? Or spend as much time on my skin care routine as I do watching Nate care for those cow hooves? Probably. But if this is what I find relaxing at the end of the evening and it helps me wind down enough to read the same three sentences of my book before I fall asleep, well, I’m going to keep on watching.
Another soothing video to watch is the 3-hour video of birds at a feeder in the woods.
These were originally made for cats to watch, and that’s how I got started. Our elderly cat Izzy was sick before she passed away and became very needy. So, I set up my old laptop next to my work laptop and watched that video for hours at a time. She loved it – and so did I. Even though we live in the woods and I see virtually the same thing from my window, something about that video was incredibly soothing. For a few weeks after Izzy died, I still played the video to relax.
So, find what you need – it may not be videos, or reading – it may be music, or stretching or twirling your hair while staring into space. But in a world as crazy as ours is right now, I think it’s okay to find your stress relievers where you can.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: 2025, adulthood, anxiety, depression, goals, humor, life, mental health, new year, personal growth, positive, resolutions
Usually at this time of year I post something about New Year resolutions and re-post a previous blog about body image. And yes, one of my resolutions is to get back to writing this blog. (I’ll still repost the body image blog, because I think it’s valid.) But, this year I really want to remind everybody to take a second and look back over the last few months, or year, or even five years, and see how far you’ve come. For some of you, that may mean taking off your readers for a few minutes to see farther back than yesterday. I’ll wait while you tap the top of your head, trying to remember if you actually have them on or not.
You do, because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read this.
Ready? Ok.
Anyway…New Year resolutions are all about becoming a better person, or maybe just being less of a dick. Side note – one of my favorite gifts this year is this dish towel:
So that’s where my expectations are for people these days.
However, I think that before you make unrealistic resolutions for 2025, you should take a look at the positive changes that have happened in your life over the last year. Sometimes they are huge, like getting a new job, losing a bunch of weight or cutting someone toxic out of your life. Sometimes they may be as small as learning a new skill at work, like the fact that not every email deserves a response, or making it through an entire movie without also playing a game on your phone or scrolling through social media.
And, sometimes things that seem small are in fact HUGE – like going through a dark time and just plodding your way through, one day after another, until things get just a little bit better.
Whatever you’ve accomplished, take a second to acknowledge that you have had some triumphs. If it’s not 9:00am, maybe even have a glass of champagne to celebrate – unless you’re doing the Dry January thing (which I am). In that case you can always choose to substitute alcohol with a giant box of Cheese-Itz or other favorite snack food (which I do on the regular now). I mean Jesus, give yourself SOME kind of reward. You say you’re not or can’t afford to be food/drink motivated? Then reward yourself with something you like to do. If I’m not eating Rice Krispy treats or cheese in any form, my reward is to read fairy smut.
Don’t judge.
Some of you like biographies about celebrities with drug and sex addictions, real-life thrillers with some truly screwed up characters, and self-help books that are just cringey. I was in the airport for a significant amount of time this weekend and I saw what y’all are reading. At least fairies are fake.
So before you get that planner you’ll never fill out, join that gym you’ll quit in two months or start on ruin your knees by running 3 miles a day when you’ve been a couch potato for the last year, remember that you accomplished some stuff this year. It’s not anybody else’s business what that was – they don’t know your experiences, struggles or inner goals that you set for yourself. Most likely they wouldn’t understand or appreciate it. But you do – so go get that cheese or champagne or book that you don’t want anyone to know that you read over and over again (I see you, ACOTAR people). You deserve a little celebration as well as a little improvement.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: adulthood, book review, books, fantasy, fourth wing, humor, romance, sex
It’s been a long time since I became obsessed for a while with Outlander, which was and still is a years-long session of girl porn. (For more on the girl porn part, read Chick Flick Fail). I needed something new. Sometimes a girls gotta find a steamy romance novel, get yo the hood parts and look up panic-stricken in the middle of reading it to see if anyone can tell you’re reading girl porn (they can’t).
So, I was on BookTok the other week (for you non-TikTok people that means I get a lot of people recommending books in my TikTok video feed), and a woman in her 30’s was recommending various romance novels. I was intrigued.
One of the books she recommended was Icebreaker by Hannah Grace. She did say up front that the cover was misleading, and that the back cover summary sounded like a young adult romance: a college Olympic-bound ice skater had to have the ice hockey team captain step in to be her partner, and of course they hated each other on sight – until they didn’t. Pretty cheesy, right? How, I thought, is someone actually recommending this book?
Even the cover had a young adult style to it (see below). Not a raised, cursive letter or barely covered breast in sight.
She also said it was the hottest thing she’d read in a long time….like 50 Shades of Gray hot. I thought, ok, this lady clearly is not as well-read as I am and doesn’t know good girl porn when she reads it. I’ve read dozens of raised-letter, Highland/Pirate/Cowboy romances with lots of heaving and throbbing body parts. I read the True Blood series, and in between some historical fiction and very dry non-fiction I’ve read other erotic-ish books that occasionally had a plot worth following. Despite my better judgement, I bought Icebreaker to take on vacation, figuring that if I didn’t like it I’d leave it in the hotel.
Sweet Jesus.
I hope no high schoolers buy it, thinking they’ll get a glimpse into real college life. Aside from completely unrealistic descriptions of dorms, college athletic programs and schedules, when I was in college none of the boys knew a tenth of the female anatomy this guy did. Not only could he find it on the first try, he had a level of restraint no college boy has ever had, at least according to every college girl I talked to.
I also bought another book currently #1 on the New York Times Fiction Best-Seller List, called Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros. I love a good fantasy novel, and this one has dragons, star-crossed lovers, lots of magic, poisoning, violent death and epic battles. For those of you who aren’t fantasy readers, these books are usually plot-driven and have minimal sex in them. They might have a romantic sub-plot, but it often involves a chaste kiss or is only there because in the past it was the driving force for why two kingdoms are fighting.
Fourth Wing is different – it has both a fast-moving plot and explicit sex. I can see why it’s on the best-seller list. In fact, I can’t wait for the movie to be made – it will be SPECTACULAR and you’ll want to see it on the big screen. But again, not the young adult fantasy I thought it would be.
I was about half-way through the book, and there had been a few teasing, steamy almost-kisses, the kind where you know it’s going to be epic at the end when they get together, but you won’t actually read about it. You know, like Aragorn and Arwen in Lord of the Rings.
Holy shit.
There wasn’t any waiting until the end of this book for the off-screen romantic union. Xaden and Violet had back-against-the-wall, break-the-armoire, light-the-curtains-on-fire sex half-way through.
Five times.
In one night.
With explicit descriptions straight out of the old Hustler “Readers Letters.”
Oh, and like all romance novels no one had to pee…ever.
And I was listening to this book on the way to visit my 86-year-old mother.
I had to drive a little extra to reach the climax, er, end of the chapter before I got to her house.
Let me tell you, nothing will kill that rush faster than seeing your little, old mom waving at you from her front door. Xaden and Violet had to take a mental cold shower so I could focus on showing Mom my vacation pictures.
I’m not sure what’s happening in the publishing world, but don’t choose your books by covers and back-page summaries. And don’t listen to the reviews, either. Despite some negative reviews (and their points were legit), I loved Fourth Wing and am waiting for the sequel to come out in November.
I think Fourth Wing will be like when Daughter #1 called me after watching the first season of Outlander:
“Mom,” she said, “I love it, but I will NEVER watch it with you.”
Same girlfriend, same.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts, Sports | Tags: adulthood, funny, Horses, humor, mental health, self aimge, sports
Have you ever felt like you have no business doing what you’re doing? Like you are in no way qualified, and that any minute people will see right through you? It’s called Imposter Syndrome, and most of us have all felt it to varying degrees.
“I cannot believe people are actually trusting me to take care of a real, live newborn baby. What are they thinking?”
“I am in no way qualified to do this job – these people really need to work on their hiring process.”
“I have no business being in this competition. Everyone else is better than me. I’m just going to suck, then have a meltdown in my car and go home.”
(By the way – despite my fam calling me “Dr. Libby” because, let’s face it, I like to diagnose – sometimes correctly – people based on totally sketchy things I’ve read, I am not actually a doctor and am using any actual medical terms pretty loosely. I am also not in any way trying to minimize real mental health issues.)
I don’t often feel that way – probably because of a very misplaced, innate sense of self-confidence, or because I take great care to keep people’s expectations low…I mean LOW…so they (and I) aren’t disappointed. But lately I’ve been wallowing in it – with my sport and my appearance.
Let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome in sports – I’ll follow up with appearance in the next blog. Most of you know I love riding horses. The smell of the barn, the necessity of being present, and of course the partnership that comes with hard work and trust. But the last few months have been a mental struggle, feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and that I really don’t deserve to move on to the next level.
In the horse world, feeling like you don’t measure up happens A LOT. At some barns, people can be judgmental about the horse you own, the quality of your tack or your clothes – like Mean Girl judgmental. Even the very nature of horse shows is judgy – you are literally paying someone to judge you.
But I’m not showing right now, and I don’t belong to a barn where people are competitive with each other – in fact, it’s just the opposite. We are incredibly supportive, even when we see the train going off the rails. So why do I still sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to be riding the horse I am leasing?
I think it’s because Imposter Syndrome can also be caused by our own reception of kindness.
What I mean is, it’s easier to dismiss people who are judging you who don’t know you, don’t know your story, and don’t know your goals. It’s harder to live up to people who are being kind. It’s a whole lot easier to say, “She’s a bitch and doesn’t know me, so I can let her judgement go.” It’s a lot harder to say, “This person has invested an interest in me and is helping me work through my shit. I don’t want to disappoint them…but I know I’m going to. I don’t deserve to be here, doing this because I’m going to suck.”
Wow – so you feel bad when you think people are being mean, and you feel bad when people are being nice. You (and the nice people) are in a lose-lose situation.
So how do you break out of this? Someone probably has a dissertation about it, or a self-help book on how to deal with this…but here’s what I’m trying to do.
Recognize that real kindness comes from a place of compassion, with no expectations. The only expectations others who are kind are putting on me are fictional – my own brain is coming up with these all on its own. I need to remember to recognize it, own it and embrace what is being handed to me.
Practice talking positively to myself. I need to remember to not talk to myself any less kindly than I would to a friend or a neighbor. Part of that positive talk is keeping perspective and looking back on how far I’ve come.
Recognize that there are good days and bad days, and they’re both okay. Some great advice I got was from a Pilates instructor who said at the beginning of every class, “Do the best you can with what you brought today.” It’s important to recognize that I’m not going to kill it every day. And, on the days when I don’t and the whole ride is a shit show, I need to take a nugget of positivity – even if it’s “Hey, that was a shit show, but you didn’t die – look how strong your legs are now!” Or, “That was a mess, but what did you learn? You can use that next time.”
So, for the friends who are being kind to me, don’t feel bad and please don‘t stop – it’s a me issue. Plus, you get actual mental and physical health benefits from being kind, too. For those of you who are in fact judging me (when I haven’t paid you to), piss off. I know you’re an Imposter, too.
Subourbon Mom 