Filed under: Exercise, Misc. Humor, Posts, shopping | Tags: adulthood, clothing, fashion, humor, shopping
I have a solution to cut some emissions by limiting clothing return costs.
I’m tired of trying to figure out what size I am when buying clothes online. When clothing sites show me diagrams and ask if I’m apple shaped or pear shaped, rectangular or hourglass (who still uses one of those, anyway?), I have no idea which box to check.
How about asking if I’m chair-shaped? Because that’s probably more accurate. I sit in a chair for eight hours a day, then sit on the couch watching tv.
I think consumers would be better off if companies asked you what body issues you deal with – are your arms too long? Too short? Not fitting into sleeves the circumference of a paper towel roll? Does your stomach currently hang over your pants or is it still managing to hide behind your waistband? Is your waist small but your hips look like they could squeeze out a watermelon at a moment’s notice? Are your boobs playing permanent hide-and-seek or are they announcing to the world that they exist and then moving around all on their own? Are your love handles showing beneath your shirt? Are your man-boobs letting the world know what temperature it is?
If companies asked these kinds of sizing questions, we might have more success and cut our return shipping costs in half, thus helping to SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.
I think office clothing should be described in catalogs by the kind of office job you do:
- Casual work-from-home, not client-facing, sits in chair 8-12 hours a day but has to pee a lot and has a sore neck from squinting at the laptop screen. You would most likely get joggers (comfortable, easy to get on and off), a collared work shirt or blouse with a secret heating pad built into the neckline because your neck is tired from jutting forward, and because people only see you from the waist up.
- In the office, client-facing, has hot flashes or works in office space with badly controlled heating/cooling systems. Non-wrinkle suit or tailored skirt and blouse (also with hidden heated/cooling neck pad). Secret pocket for stress ball or fidget or tiny voodoo doll of boss.
Even if you don’t work in an office the same types of “issue” questions would still apply.
Or, better yet, you should be able to dress for the job you actually WANT to do. For some of you, that may mean dressing like a CEO, which is what we were all taught to do (“Dress for the job you want”). For many of us, it would make coming into work so much more interesting, like Halloween every day, and you get to guess what the other person’s real dreams are/were.
For example, I would love to be a successful author who sits by the pool with a glass of wine contemplating the next chapter of my novel. Or, my job would be to hike and take equestrian vacations, writing travel blogs and articles. If you wanted to be a firefighter, you could wear the whole outfit, or just the mask. Same for a scuba diver. Pirate? That would be awesome!
Professional poker player? Fighter jet pilot? Spy? The options are endless – and don’t just limit yourself to just one occupational outfit. Life is full of options, and your “dream” wardrobe choices should be too.
In the meantime, until the professional world allows us the freedom to dress for the jobs we REALLY wanted, let’s just see if companies can come up with something a little better than asking what fruit we look like.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: 1980s, adulthood, humor, Middle-Age, mindfulness, music, songs, teens
Whenever Hubby and I go on a road trip we like to listen to podcast called “The Moth.” In this podcast regular people share true stories along a single theme. This weekend the theme was how music shapes or affects your life.
I started thinking and realized I have several pivotal memories that had songs associated with them. To this day, they can dredge up what I was feeling at that time.
When I was 12, I had a huge crush on a boy at my school named John. We were at that awkward age where we still wanted to play, ride bikes together and climb trees. But somewhere between pretending we were the Duke boys and the middle of 6th grade, things changed. By the time the first middle school dance rolled around, I was head over heels. On the night of the dance I shimmied on my Jordache jeans that were way out of my newly-divorced mom’s budget, smeared on some purple eye shadow because I read it accentuated green eyes, and drew what I thought were dramatic black circles around my eyes with eyeliner. I’m pretty sure I looked like a raccoon in drag.
When the first notes of Purple Rain came over the gymnasium speakers, I looked for John and my heart dropped into my shoes. My beloved was dancing with my friend Becca. Then they were kissing – French kissing, no less! I literally felt my heart break, and today I still hate Purple Rain with a passion.
A year later at a 7th grade co-ed party, several of us were sitting in a circle playing the obligatory game of Spin the Bottle (I have no idea where the parents were). I hadn’t had my first real kiss yet, and butterflies were jumping on a trampoline in my stomach. REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feelin’ Any Longer” was playing softly in the background. Finally, I looked down – the bottle was pointing at me! A boy named David, who had braces just like me, came in for the kiss. It was just what you would expect: spitty, messy and completely unappealing. But I had crossed over some invisible threshold, and REO Speedwagon was with me. It’s also not a current favorite.
All through high school, songs and bands marked various events. U2 was a date with Colin; Echo & the Bunnymen played during rides to school in John McGarity’s car; Free Bird signified The First Time (of course it did); The Cars were a beach party; The Clash and Erasure carried me through summers lifeguarding; Blister in the Sun was every party in the woods; and, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were the summer after graduation.
Then I started thinking about what our song is. Hubby and I have tried a few times over the last 30 years to identify one, but no single song has ever really stuck. Bad Company drove with us on road trips to the mountains; PM Dawn carried us up and down 95; Poison by Bel Biv DeVoe kept us dancing ‘til the wee hours at the clubs in Bermuda, and Carbon Leaf has stayed with us from college to the present.
I realized we don’t have just one song that’s ours because we’ve changed and grown up along with the music we listen to. It makes sense now why my 50th birthday playlist was so long. That’s a lot of big moments, and music was more often than not a large part of them.
If you have a lot of songs that bring that old anxiety, joy, relaxation, or nostalgia back, consider yourself lucky – it’s proof you were in the moment. Choose your next songs carefully – you never know what feelings will become entwined with them.
Our memories may be faulty, but the songs stay true.
Thanks for indulging me on my trip down memory lane!
Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: adulthood, happiness, humor, mental health, stress management
In this week’s episode of The Apocalypse is Coming, the Seven Horsemen are: UFOs, earthquakes, earth’s magnetic core shifting, a canyon threatening to split Africa in two, more earthquakes, domestic terrorist attacks and Terminator-level artificial intelligence.
When responding to questions about why all of the sudden we are shooting down so many UFOs, the US government said there was a “recalibration” of their search parameters. In other words, they told their computers to be less specific when looking for stuff, and so they found more stuff. Preppers and conspiracy theorists may say that’s a red herring for other nefarious activities, but it made me think.
Why is it so hard for us, as people, to recalibrate how we look at things?
Stay with me…
I fall asleep in front of the tv after dinner, only to lie awake at 3am making my ALL THE THINGS list in my head. And you know what? My ALL THE THINGS list is never completed. In case you’re wondering, yes, relaxing is one of the items on my ALL THE THINGS list.
I know…it’s so messed up. And I swear to God if one more person says the words “self-care” around me I’ll add beating the shit out of them to my ALL THE THINGS list.
So how do you get out of this circle of thinking you’re going to feel better if you do ALL THE THINGS, when you just keep adding more things to the ALL THE THINGS list? You’re setting yourself up to fail, because you will never get the emotional reward because you’ve finished the list.
I’ve come to the conclusion that in order for me to feel fulfilled, I too am going to have to, God forbid, take a page out of the government handbook and do some recalibrating.
Recalibrating means adjusting the parameters of your goals. Fulfillment, or even joy, tends to come in the big or moments, like doing a specific activity or achieving a huge goal. That’s great, but what about the other 95% of your time that is not participating those bog or specific moments? Limiting your search for fulfillment to completing your ALL THE THINGS list or experiencing joy in the big moments makes the rest of your time seem awful in comparison, and makes your ALL THE THINGS list seem way more important than it is.
The best way I can think of making the other 95% of the time better is to celebrate the everyday things I take for granted, like taking a second in the morning the celebrate the amazing body I have – my heart beats and my lungs expand without me having to think about it. Or hearing birds call out even in the depths of winter. For you, do whatever it is that makes your day a little better when you stop and take notice.
If we can be content, or better yet, joyful, with the everyday things, we may not be so obsessed with completing our ALL THE THINGS list.
Okay, now I can cross off “Write blog this week” from the list, and add – “Practice what your preach.”
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: adulting, cancer, cologuard, health, humor, Middle-Age, New Year's
I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, mostly because I don’t stick to them. Now that I’m in my 50’s, there are a couple of things that probably should go on the resolutions list:
- Stop cussing so much, even though social media says you’re smarter if you do
- Try Dry January
- Learn how to do the backhanded Southern compliment thing (“You are so brave to stop drinking – people won’t recognize you!”)
- Say no to the good so you can say yes to the great!
- Do the Colonoscopy Thing*
When I had my latest physical in December, my doctor and I agreed that I’m a good candidate for ColoGuard…you know, the commercial you see on the TV where they deliver the box to your door, you poop in it and send it back. I’m a 70-percenter, meaning there are a lot of things that are “good enough” for me. I’ve accepted it, my family and friends have accepted it. So, being a 70-percenter, doing the ColoGuard screening makes sense – why go 100% with a free, covered-by-insurance colonoscopy when you can take the also-free shortcut, and then possibly pay for the full colonoscopy if the results come back positive?
Anyway, I was excited to not be put under and go through the prep of a colonoscopy. Pooping in a box sounded way easier.
(WARNING! This is somewhat descriptive, so don’t read on if you’re not into talking about stuff like this.)
Turns out, there’s a little more to it than that.
You don’t just poop in a box, seal it up and mail it. There’s a wand you have to swoosh around in your poop and stick in a tube like a Covid test, and preservative to pour into the poop container. It’s a pretty gross process and takes a little locked-door private time in the bathroom if you ever want to have sex again, or if you have children who barge into the bathroom with you and you don’t want to scar them for life.
The instructions are lengthy and explicit…as in an entire booklet. Then there’s a separate booklet for how to pack it up and mail it. There are even diagrams showing people sitting on the toilet doing their thing, and step-by-step instructions on how to untwist the top of the poop container, in case you’ve never opened anything in your life.
Instructions aside, there are also several warnings throughout the booklet telling you not to drink the preservative. Several warnings…as if this has been a large problem in the past and now, they have to spell it out for folks. As in…Don’t drink the bottle of stuff that was made to keep your poop fresh. Who is doing that? You are literally in a bathroom next to a sink with water, but no…some people are reaching for the sketchy bottle from the poop company and drinking that instead.
They also tell you not to fill the poop catcher up any higher than the preservative will cover.
I actually paused when I read that and thought, Let me get this straight. You’re supposed to poop into a container that is under you, where you can’t see it, and try to judge how much is too much? I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of containers shipping with a little bit of extra baggage. I’ve got a pretty strong stomach, but unless they give me a spoon and a gas mask, I’m not measuring it out like I’m baking poop cookies.
Then there are the warnings not to get any urine in with the poop.
So they’re telling 50-year-old women not to accidentally pee on something? While sitting on the toilet? Have they met any 50-year-old women? We can’t do anything without accidentally peeing. So, yeah…good luck ladies.
Long story short, I got it all accomplished and took my very identifiable box to the local UPS store, who I use for all my shipping needs. They know me. To their credit they didn’t even flinch as they gave me the tracking receipt (which I promptly lost). Oh, and word to the wise: keep your tracking receipt. Those boxes do occasionally go astray, as I learned from a friend. Apparently, her box never reached its destination and is still traveling. Now she has to do it all again.
I never received confirmation that my sample was received, and since I lost the tracking receipt I had no way of knowing if there was a box of my leftovers floating around some warehouse or lying on the side of the road. Thankfully, a couple of days ago I received a text with my results: all negative.
In the end, it was a weird, kind of gross experience, but thank goodness for the advances of science that make this process possible, and for the discoveries that lead to early detection.
So here’s my PSA – do whatever test is right for you, check your insurance policies, and for God’s, sake don’t drink the preservative!
*It is extremely important that you get tested. While I chose ColoGuard, it is not for everyone. Ask your doctor what test is best for you and get it done!
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts, shopping | Tags: clothing, fashion, humor, loft, menopause, Middle-Age, Target
Aaahhh..the holidays are here! Mariah Carey is screeching away in every store and the taste of panic-buying is in the air. You know what that means – sales. Every day my inbox is flooded with exclamation points and percentages. Are the deals great? Absolutely. They’ve even enticed me to crack open my dusty wallet. This year I decided it is time to buy some new clothes that don’t scream “I WORK FROM HOME AND JOGGERS ARE MY WAY OF LIFE.”
For those of you who know me personally, you know I’m not a big shopper. In fact, I frequently buy clothing sets off store mannequins because I suck at putting outfits together. I’ve been known to walk into a store, touch one item and run out because I’m so overwhelmed. So, when I decide to shop for clothes, this is not a decision I make lightly.
And here is where the first-world problems rant begins.
When did retail clothing stores start ignoring the middle-aged woman demographic?
I’m a pretty regular size, and I used to be able to get cute clothes from stores that cater to the younger (30’s) set as well as the older (50s+) set. They were trendy, fit well and even had the right shape.
Maybe my expectations are off base, but I can’t seem to find any stores that cater to the middle-class, middle-size, middle-trendy woman anymore. It’s all either too young (for women whose boobs are still somewhere near where they’re supposed to be and the menopausal muffin top is still non-existent) or they are for the older female crowd that just wants to hide everything under a square shirt that hangs to the knees or beneath long sweaters called dusters.
Side note: If you’re a store mannequin dresser (is there a real job title for that?), please stop pulling the backs of the shirts together with a clip so it looks like the mannequins have a waist. If you have to do that, stop ordering square shirts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried one on after seeing it there and walked out of the dressing room in a small tent.
I used to love Target, but don’t get me started on Target’s recent stylistic choices. I don’t want to live on the set of Little House on the Prairie or look like I sew my own clothes.
At the mall by my house, since the stores catering to younger women are now out of the question, I’m left trying to decide if I want to go classic square shirt and duster from J.Jill, blingy square shirt and duster from Chico’s, or “I’m in my late 60’s and have a shit ton of money to spend” in Soft Surroundings.
The only store that still works for me is Loft. Does everything fit me? No. Is some of it too young? Yes. But I can still find work and casual clothes there that don’t break the bank, and that last longer than H&M’s one season wonders.
Since vitamin/supplement companies are finally realizing menopausal women are a real demographic (watch any middle-aged woman’s TikTok feed and see how many Provitalize ads come up), maybe clothing retailers should, too. Just because we need a better bra these days and jeans with that extra inch, retailers need to know that middle-aged women haven’t given up. We’re still trying to impress our partners, and, honestly, other women – but more importantly, we’re not hiding ourselves away from the world. In fact, many of us are feeling more like our true selves than ever before.
Maybe, if clothes could be designed around what we look like now, not the past or the future, we wouldn’t spend so much on supplements and retailers could take advantage of that revenue.
So, there you have it – the gauntlet has been thrown – someone needs to design clothes for middle-of-the-road, middle-aged women that reflect who we are now, that don’t make us look like we’re trying to hard or that we’ve given up, and that don’t break the bank.
And by the way, if you’re a woman who loves the stores I’ve just crapped all over, please keep patronizing them. We all have to shop where we are comfortable. I just haven’t found more than one place that meets my shopping needs and I’m grumpy.
Subourbon Mom 