Subourbon Mom


Poop in a Box – It’s More Than You Think
January 15, 2023, 8:19 pm
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, mostly because I don’t stick to them. Now that I’m in my 50’s, there are a couple of things that probably should go on the resolutions list:

  • Stop cussing so much, even though social media says you’re smarter if you do
  • Try Dry January
  • Learn how to do the backhanded Southern compliment thing (“You are so brave to stop drinking – people won’t recognize you!”)
  • Say no to the good so you can say yes to the great!
  • Do the Colonoscopy Thing*

When I had my latest physical in December, my doctor and I agreed that I’m a good candidate for ColoGuard…you know, the commercial you see on the TV where they deliver the box to your door, you poop in it and send it back. I’m a 70-percenter, meaning there are a lot of things that are “good enough” for me. I’ve accepted it, my family and friends have accepted it. So, being a 70-percenter, doing the ColoGuard screening makes sense – why go 100% with a free, covered-by-insurance colonoscopy when you can take the also-free shortcut, and then possibly pay for the full colonoscopy if the results come back positive?

Anyway, I was excited to not be put under and go through the prep of a colonoscopy.  Pooping in a box sounded way easier.

(WARNING! This is somewhat descriptive, so don’t read on if you’re not into talking about stuff like this.)

Turns out, there’s a little more to it than that.

You don’t just poop in a box, seal it up and mail it. There’s a wand you have to swoosh around in your poop and stick in a tube like a Covid test, and preservative to pour into the poop container. It’s a pretty gross process and takes a little locked-door private time in the bathroom if you ever want to have sex again, or if you have children who barge into the bathroom with you and you don’t want to scar them for life. 

The instructions are lengthy and explicit…as in an entire booklet. Then there’s a separate booklet for how to pack it up and mail it. There are even diagrams showing people sitting on the toilet doing their thing, and step-by-step instructions on how to untwist the top of the poop container, in case you’ve never opened anything in your life.

Instructions aside, there are also several warnings throughout the booklet telling you not to drink the preservative. Several warnings…as if this has been a large problem in the past and now, they have to spell it out for folks. As in…Don’t drink the bottle of stuff that was made to keep your poop fresh. Who is doing that? You are literally in a bathroom next to a sink with water, but no…some people are reaching for the sketchy bottle from the poop company and drinking that instead.

They also tell you not to fill the poop catcher up any higher than the preservative will cover.

I actually paused when I read that and thought, Let me get this straight. You’re supposed to poop into a container that is under you, where you can’t see it, and try to judge how much is too much? I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of containers shipping with a little bit of extra baggage. I’ve got a pretty strong stomach, but unless they give me a spoon and a gas mask, I’m not measuring it out like I’m baking poop cookies.

Then there are the warnings not to get any urine in with the poop.

So they’re telling 50-year-old women not to accidentally pee on something? While sitting on the toilet? Have they met any 50-year-old women? We can’t do anything without accidentally peeing.  So, yeah…good luck ladies.

Long story short, I got it all accomplished and took my very identifiable box to the local UPS store, who I use for all my shipping needs. They know me. To their credit they didn’t even flinch as they gave me the tracking receipt (which I promptly lost). Oh, and word to the wise: keep your tracking receipt. Those boxes do occasionally go astray, as I learned from a friend. Apparently, her box never reached its destination and is still traveling. Now she has to do it all again.

I never received confirmation that my sample was received, and since I lost the tracking receipt I had no way of knowing if there was a box of my leftovers floating around some warehouse or lying on the side of the road. Thankfully, a couple of days ago I received a text with my results: all negative.   

In the end, it was a weird, kind of gross experience, but thank goodness for the advances of science that make this process possible, and for the discoveries that lead to early detection.

So here’s my PSA – do whatever test is right for you, check your insurance policies, and for God’s, sake don’t drink the preservative!

*It is extremely important that you get tested. While I chose ColoGuard, it is not for everyone. Ask your doctor what test is best for you and get it done!



New Study: “Crop Dusting” May Prevent Cancer

Time Magazine recently had an article in which some medical researchers from the University of Exeter in England claimed that smelling farts may prevent cancer. (http://time.com/2976464/rotten-eggs-hydrogen-sulfide-mitochondria/?iid=ent-article-recirc)

That’s right, smelling farts may prevent cancer.

According to the article, hydrogen sulfide gas (a.k.a. Air Bagels) in small doses may prevent damage to cells’ mitochondria. If I remember correctly from a dozen flash card studying episodes during the Daughters’ biology classes, mitochondria:

  1. Look like small blobs inside a bigger blob, and
  2. Control cell growth and death.

So let’s get this straight–mitochondria control when cells grow and die, two things that feature heavily in the aging process and cancer. Then, what I’m hearing these people say is that smelling a Ghost Turd will make me younger and prevent cancer.

Huh. The fountain of youth and a miracle drug all in one! And even better, we can make it ourselves, without destroying the environment. Who would’ve predicted the world could be so cool?

So how can we harness this incredibly funny gift from nature? The movie Water World, comes to mind–they had a ship full of pigs making methane gas to use as a power source. Couldn’t we do that with hydrogen sulfide? I can see it now—a whole new dystopian world where the class system revolves around those who make a good Bean Burp and those who don’t.

Flatulence would become a commodity to be traded or exploited—much like our athletes are now. Let’s call those excessively gaseous folks “Bombers.” As long as a Bomber is a good producer, he is treated like a hero, nourished and cared for while the “product” is extracted and used for the betterment of humanity. When a Bomber is no longer useful, he is retired.

did-you-just-fart_o_592456

In a world of kindness, Bombers would also receive the same benefits from the gas as those lucky enough to afford it–living longer and looking younger. However, since the world generally is not good and kind when it comes to producers and consumers, I suspect the very few (i.e. the rich) would benefit from the masses (the Bombers), who would most likely be herded into holding pens and left to their own smelly devices. Beans, broccoli and other fibrous vegetables would become high commodities, leaving the meat industry to fall off….hmmm…would this also help with Global Warming?

So, as with all of our recent scientific breakthroughs, we are once again faced with the dilemma—is it morally right to go down this road? Do we dare start exploring the true benefits of the Backdoor Breeze? Are we ethically developed enough to handle this technology?

And more importantly, what would happen to the annoying yet fun art of “crop dusting?”

(Urban Dictionary Definition for Crop Dusting: “Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.”)

 

 




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