Subourbon Mom

DISCLAIMER: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING THE ACT OF KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN OR ANIMAL. SO ALL YOU PSYCHOS OUT THERE, TAKE A STEP BACK AND OWN YOUR OWN CRAZY. I’VE GOT PLENTY OF MY OWN, AND THIS IS NOT PART OF IT.

First let me say I am not a hunter – I know I could never look an animal in the eyes and shoot it, unless a) I was starving, b) the animal was suffering, or c) it was attacking me. (Hubby disagreed and said I couldn’t even then.)  With deer hunting season in its final throes, there’s been a lot of discussion where I live about the different tactics for hunting and cleaning deer to keep the meat from tasting gamey. The same day as one of these discussions was going on, while in the gym I saw one of those documentary channels feature stories on cannibalism – it must be the impending cold weather that makes producers think people are considering it. So, as I was listening to yet another dissertation on hunting, the two subjects merged in my weird brain, and I wondered if the same principals of keeping meat form being gamey would apply to cannibalism.

I have the answer to that particular problem, and it could apply to both regular hunting and Cannibalism – not that I’m taking part in a Donner dinner, or planning on hangin’ with Hannibal.

To be brief, I learned that to prevent gaminess in your meat, the animal should be killed quickly, and not chased for long – too much lactic acid builds up and creates the gamey taste. My solution? Road kill.

It’s the perfect solution – it offers the element of surprise, no chasing (unless you’re a really bad driver), and the convenience of having carcass transportation at your fingertips.

Note to self: Just because you are thinking about something doesn’t mean you should Google it.

BIG MISTAKE.

I now have images in my head that can’t be erased. This must be how Daniel Tosh feels after a season of Tosh.0.

First, there was a link to “Why Cannibalism is Bad for You.” Um…were enough folks actually considering this that someone had to write an article on it? The main reason that stuck with me (and there were quite a few), of course, is that Americans as a culture are not a lean protein. In fact, I think we’re probably the bacon of the Cannibalism diet.

Second, I had it confirmed that there are some sick, sick people out there. Apparently, one guy in Germany put out an ad for another male, 18-39 who might be interested in having him eat him. Now maybe it was a colossal miscommunication, but somebody answered it – AND AGREED TO IT. Maybe it’s just me being naive, but wasn’t there a point in that evening when maybe it was time to say, “Hey man, I don’t think this is what I signed up for?”

And finally, there was an actual recipe site. I won’t print it here because I have to draw the line somewhere. But it was actually pretty funny.

So what did I really learn from all of this? Stop watching cheesey documentary channels while I’m at the gym, and get to work losing some weight – I definitely do not want to be bacon.