Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts, Sports | Tags: adulthood, funny, Horses, humor, mental health, self aimge, sports
Have you ever felt like you have no business doing what you’re doing? Like you are in no way qualified, and that any minute people will see right through you? It’s called Imposter Syndrome, and most of us have all felt it to varying degrees.
“I cannot believe people are actually trusting me to take care of a real, live newborn baby. What are they thinking?”
“I am in no way qualified to do this job – these people really need to work on their hiring process.”
“I have no business being in this competition. Everyone else is better than me. I’m just going to suck, then have a meltdown in my car and go home.”
(By the way – despite my fam calling me “Dr. Libby” because, let’s face it, I like to diagnose – sometimes correctly – people based on totally sketchy things I’ve read, I am not actually a doctor and am using any actual medical terms pretty loosely. I am also not in any way trying to minimize real mental health issues.)
I don’t often feel that way – probably because of a very misplaced, innate sense of self-confidence, or because I take great care to keep people’s expectations low…I mean LOW…so they (and I) aren’t disappointed. But lately I’ve been wallowing in it – with my sport and my appearance.
Let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome in sports – I’ll follow up with appearance in the next blog. Most of you know I love riding horses. The smell of the barn, the necessity of being present, and of course the partnership that comes with hard work and trust. But the last few months have been a mental struggle, feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything and that I really don’t deserve to move on to the next level.
In the horse world, feeling like you don’t measure up happens A LOT. At some barns, people can be judgmental about the horse you own, the quality of your tack or your clothes – like Mean Girl judgmental. Even the very nature of horse shows is judgy – you are literally paying someone to judge you.
But I’m not showing right now, and I don’t belong to a barn where people are competitive with each other – in fact, it’s just the opposite. We are incredibly supportive, even when we see the train going off the rails. So why do I still sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to be riding the horse I am leasing?
I think it’s because Imposter Syndrome can also be caused by our own reception of kindness.
What I mean is, it’s easier to dismiss people who are judging you who don’t know you, don’t know your story, and don’t know your goals. It’s harder to live up to people who are being kind. It’s a whole lot easier to say, “She’s a bitch and doesn’t know me, so I can let her judgement go.” It’s a lot harder to say, “This person has invested an interest in me and is helping me work through my shit. I don’t want to disappoint them…but I know I’m going to. I don’t deserve to be here, doing this because I’m going to suck.”
Wow – so you feel bad when you think people are being mean, and you feel bad when people are being nice. You (and the nice people) are in a lose-lose situation.
So how do you break out of this? Someone probably has a dissertation about it, or a self-help book on how to deal with this…but here’s what I’m trying to do.
Recognize that real kindness comes from a place of compassion, with no expectations. The only expectations others who are kind are putting on me are fictional – my own brain is coming up with these all on its own. I need to remember to recognize it, own it and embrace what is being handed to me.
Practice talking positively to myself. I need to remember to not talk to myself any less kindly than I would to a friend or a neighbor. Part of that positive talk is keeping perspective and looking back on how far I’ve come.
Recognize that there are good days and bad days, and they’re both okay. Some great advice I got was from a Pilates instructor who said at the beginning of every class, “Do the best you can with what you brought today.” It’s important to recognize that I’m not going to kill it every day. And, on the days when I don’t and the whole ride is a shit show, I need to take a nugget of positivity – even if it’s “Hey, that was a shit show, but you didn’t die – look how strong your legs are now!” Or, “That was a mess, but what did you learn? You can use that next time.”
So, for the friends who are being kind to me, don’t feel bad and please don‘t stop – it’s a me issue. Plus, you get actual mental and physical health benefits from being kind, too. For those of you who are in fact judging me (when I haven’t paid you to), piss off. I know you’re an Imposter, too.
Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: adulthood, happiness, humor, mental health, stress management
In this week’s episode of The Apocalypse is Coming, the Seven Horsemen are: UFOs, earthquakes, earth’s magnetic core shifting, a canyon threatening to split Africa in two, more earthquakes, domestic terrorist attacks and Terminator-level artificial intelligence.
When responding to questions about why all of the sudden we are shooting down so many UFOs, the US government said there was a “recalibration” of their search parameters. In other words, they told their computers to be less specific when looking for stuff, and so they found more stuff. Preppers and conspiracy theorists may say that’s a red herring for other nefarious activities, but it made me think.
Why is it so hard for us, as people, to recalibrate how we look at things?
Stay with me…
I fall asleep in front of the tv after dinner, only to lie awake at 3am making my ALL THE THINGS list in my head. And you know what? My ALL THE THINGS list is never completed. In case you’re wondering, yes, relaxing is one of the items on my ALL THE THINGS list.
I know…it’s so messed up. And I swear to God if one more person says the words “self-care” around me I’ll add beating the shit out of them to my ALL THE THINGS list.
So how do you get out of this circle of thinking you’re going to feel better if you do ALL THE THINGS, when you just keep adding more things to the ALL THE THINGS list? You’re setting yourself up to fail, because you will never get the emotional reward because you’ve finished the list.
I’ve come to the conclusion that in order for me to feel fulfilled, I too am going to have to, God forbid, take a page out of the government handbook and do some recalibrating.
Recalibrating means adjusting the parameters of your goals. Fulfillment, or even joy, tends to come in the big or moments, like doing a specific activity or achieving a huge goal. That’s great, but what about the other 95% of your time that is not participating those bog or specific moments? Limiting your search for fulfillment to completing your ALL THE THINGS list or experiencing joy in the big moments makes the rest of your time seem awful in comparison, and makes your ALL THE THINGS list seem way more important than it is.
The best way I can think of making the other 95% of the time better is to celebrate the everyday things I take for granted, like taking a second in the morning the celebrate the amazing body I have – my heart beats and my lungs expand without me having to think about it. Or hearing birds call out even in the depths of winter. For you, do whatever it is that makes your day a little better when you stop and take notice.
If we can be content, or better yet, joyful, with the everyday things, we may not be so obsessed with completing our ALL THE THINGS list.
Okay, now I can cross off “Write blog this week” from the list, and add – “Practice what your preach.”
Filed under: Country Living, Exercise, Middle Age, Posts, Sports | Tags: fear, Horses, humor, mental health, stress
Since I posted the blog What’s Your Dream?, which Life clearly read and had a good laugh, things have gone slightly sideways. Now I’m having to eat my own cooking.
In that other blog I profoundly (I thought) said:
Whatever your dreams once were, don’t let them go entirely – find out what parts of those dreams you can still do, or how they might work in new ways for you. Life is short and unpredictable.
Of course Life is unpredictable. That can make it really fun…and then sometimes it can be a pain in the ass…literally.
For a quick recap: I had just revised my dream of owning and riding horses in horse shows to one of riding purely for mental and physical health. Just when I was finally feeling like I was getting stronger as a rider and able to work on details instead of just building muscle, I did what you’re never supposed to do – I got cocky and relaxed.
I forgot that you can ride for your mental health in a field, with a montage in your head of riding like the Elves in Lord of the Rings through buttercups and swaying grasses; but, you cannot EVER forget that you have a 900-lb animal under you who also has opinions. Long story short, as I was walking my horse, she spooked at something, and off I went. (Spooking means jumping sideways because there’s a troll or something equally scary nearby.)
Had I been paying attention and sitting the way you’re supposed to, I would have been just fine. Instead, I slid off like the frog in that Family Guy episode – you know, where he’s trying to scrape it up and throw it out the window?
I hit my lower back and then the back of my head (yes, I had a helmet on). One concussion and a spectacular bruise later, I am revising my dreams – again.
The truth? I was scared to get back on – not scared of the horse, but of the pain and inconvenience of falling and doing more damage. It took a month for me to ride again. The first day I went out to get the horse I had fallen from so I could get on her again, my energy must have been negative, to say the least. I’ve heard horses can hear your heartbeat from 14 feet away. Well, she must have heard mine because she took one look at me, nodded to her sister in the field and walked away.
“Absolutely not,” she said very clearly.
The ride went fine, and with the jitters pretty much gone the next time I went to get her, she walked right up. Horses can be great teachers, if you’re willing to listen.
Apparently, Life thought I needed to be reminded that riding for mental health includes retaining focus and positive energy.
It’s not just what you take from the experience but what you bring to it.
30 years ago, I would have gotten right back on, the Hell with what the doctors said. Now I’m seeing my chiropractor (thanks Dr. Carlsen!), sitting at my desk with ice packs, stretching and doing yoga poses to get comfortable. (When did I become this person???) I’m still going to be riding for my mental and physical health for as long as I possibly can. In fact, I asked each doctor I saw when I could ride again, and I swear each of them said a version of “What’s wrong with you horse people?” (So much – but that’s another blog.)
Revising your dreams doesn’t mean diminishing them. Sometimes it just means changing the direction from which you approach.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: adulting, books, mental health, Middle-Age, reading, writing
The other day I was super grumpy and stressed for absolutely no reason. So, I did one of the two things I always do when I’m like that. Since I didn’t have what I needed to make and eat an entire tray of Rice Krispy treats, I went to the bookstore (yes, I actually bought NEW books at a Barnes and Noble, not used on Amazon) with the sole intention of purchasing a genre I haven’t read in a long time – Romance.
When I say Romance, I don’t mean the plasticky covers with raised lettering and a Scottish pirate or a huge-breasted heroine with Victoria Secret hair stranded in a castle somewhere. I just wanted something happy and a bit less sugary than Hallmark or Virgin River. Maybe Maeve Binchy with a little sex? Or Outlander, which has just the right amount of sex and plot (but I’ve read and watched all of those).
What did I find?
About 100 Romance novels for current day 18-40-year-olds, with cartoon looking covers and full of young people who don’t know how to communicate with each other. They’re all going on trips or to weddings or changing tech jobs, which is age appropriate. I’m just not there anymore – at least, not for first weddings.
I found another large batch of Romances between quirky women who are attracted to supernatural creatures that may or may not kill them in between sexual encounters. Don’t get me wrong – I loved the Twilight Series, True Blood and A Discovery of Witches. I just wasn’t feeling it that day. I wanted to take the edge off, not be edgy.
I also found some Romances with a “Red Room of Pain” theme that can be interesting when you’re in the mood, but again, not feeling edgy that day.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I saw a bunch of Christian Romances. I suppose they exist in case I was feeling guilty after reading something from the Red Room of Pain section, and needed my inner church to whisper, “Make room for Jesus!” as I was reading. Ummmm…hard no. I was already grumpy – I didn’t need God hanging out on the periphery of my escape making me feel bad.
What I didn’t find was a Romance section geared toward the 45+ crowd that wasn’t Christian, wasn’t syrupy sweet and didn’t come in large print. In fact, anything that appealed wasn’t even in the Romance section – it was in the just plain Fiction section. That should tell you something – publishers clearly don’t believe 45+ people want to read about romance between their peers. After thumbing through a bunch of possibilities (think Kristin Hannah, Erin Hildebrand), I realized that Romance for the 45+ crowd all has the same elements:
- 40+-year-old woman is deserted by her husband through cheating, financial ruin, or death
- Deserted woman must abandon her old life and return to a place of her childhood and confront some trauma before she can heal
- In this process, deserted woman meets the new love of her life but she hates him at first, before he helps her see her real value and accomplish her goals (on her own of course – then they get together after)
- Somewhere in between her hating him and accomplishing her goal, they sleep together and can’t communicate afterward so it’s awkward or downright antagonistic. I always want to scream at them, “Just fucking talk already and stop being 13 again.”
- The setting is always somewhere we wish we could be – a cute cottage on a coast or in the mountains, a ranch, or a crumbling house that must be rehabbed. Anywhere but Suburbia, USA.
- There is always at least one quiet person who befriends her and tell her when she’s being a twat.
- And if you’re reading Norah Roberts, there’s a murder or assault or stalker that must be dealt with, too.
Full disclosure, one of the novels I’ve written has elements 1, 2, 3, 5 & 6 in it. I get it – it’s a formula that works.
*But I think we need to find a way to work Romance novels for the older(?) set back onto the Romance section bookshelves. How about we talk about trying to look sexy while having a hot flash? Or the heroine falling in love with a guy whose testosterone might be a little low, and he can’t always get it up? 45+ romance isn’t fiction – it’s real life, albeit just not as glamorous as jet-set 30-year-olds or as prescriptive as the Christian or supernatural romances. Real life romance may not be quite the escape you’re looking for, but it can be romantic and comedic and downright spiritual in its own way, depending on your view.
So, after an hour I bought three fiction novels – none of which have those plot points but look promising. I’ll keep you posted, but in the meantime, please don’t be offended when I don’t answer your emails, texts or calls. I’ll be eating Rice Krispy treats and reading about the circus, a cult and an affair.
*Okay, when I Googled best elderly romance book covers, turns out there is already a section for that, at least on the internet. Here is my favorite cover (I can’t even…):
Filed under: Middle Age, Posts, Sports | Tags: adulting, aging, Exercise, Horses, mental health
Here’s something I learned this year – you can keep your childhood dreams, but they’ll look a little different when you’re middle-aged. But really, what doesn’t look different as you get older? I literally am those people on the Progressive commercials that are turning into their parents: “We all see it…we all see it…BLUE!!!” Don’t know what I mean? Watch this…
So, back to childhood dreams…
This summer I checked off two huge bucket list items. To most people they might seem frivolous or meaningless, but to me they mean so much more. For the first time in 35 years, I jumped a horse over little cross rails (for non-horse people, that means poles set at a foot off the ground). By jump, I mean the giant horse I was riding barely saw them and hopped over while I just tried to stay out of the way. I also rode in a small horse show trotting over poles just lying on the ground. Yes, I was the oldest in the class by maybe 30 years, competing against a few people, most of whom were children and at least two who were your people training horses who barely knew what a pole was. Did I forget my girth (saddle belt) and have to borrow one? Yes. Was I freaking out? Yes.
But I did it, and I couldn’t have been more proud of myself.
See what I mean? This doesn’t seem like much, in but in my heart those two things were huge. Let’s back up so you can see why – and why you should still pursue your dreams, no matter what shape they take as you age.
After a terrible year of deaths in our family this year, human and animal, the barn where I ride was and remains my refuge. Soon after the sweet horse I leased died in January from a sudden, terrible infection, I walked back into the barn to get away from the world. It was awful, seeing his empty stall and halter, but the barn has always been and always will be my refuge.
One of the horse moms (aka boarders) saw me and said, “I didn’t think you’d be back.”
Not come back? For a second, I was really offended. I had to regroup and remember that this nice woman didn’t know me as a child, creating notebooks full of fictional racehorses with breeding charts, colors, personalities and race results. She couldn’t know that for years I doodled horse heads all over my school notebooks; that I drew pictures of the horseback wedding I was going to have (shockingly that didn’t happen); or, that until I was 15, when I fell off, busted my shoulder and simultaneously found boys, the only thing in the world I wanted was a horse.
To my mother’s credit, a single teacher who made $30k a year, she somehow found a way for me to take lessons once a week and occasionally do a local horse show. But a real horse of my own? Out of the question. As an adult, I was able to satisfy my horse itch by being a horse show mom for years, until Daughter #2 was clearly able to do it on her own but let me “help” because she knew I needed to be involved.
Then came the end of 2021 and early 2022: three family deaths, one horse death and one horse near-death. It was terrible, but there was a silver lining. Losing so many people and animals in such a short time made me realize time really is finite, and that if I want to achieve some dreams I have to put my phone down, get off the couch and figure out what that means.
A horse of my own may still not be in the equation, but now I take lessons. Do I want to be in big horse shows? Not really – I don’t need that kind of stress. My dream has changed into finding that balance between learning to ride better and riding for mental health. The two are not always the same. Some days its okay to just walk around in a field, to look at the bobbing head beneath you and find that simple joy. Other days, its feeling like flying as the horse you’re riding graciously allows you to flop around while it steps over poles. Whatever your dreams once were, don’t let them go entirely – find out what parts of those dreams you can still do, or how they might work in new ways for you. Life is short and unpredictable. Ask yourself, am I going to be mad next year, or in five years, that I didn’t start something today? If the answer is yes, then put your phone down, get off the couch and see what can happen. You might be surprised with what your old dreams look like now, and what it feels like to realize them.
Special thanks to my family, friends and especially Kimberly Anderson at Manakin Sabot Equestrian Center for their patience and encouragement. Thanks to Daughter#1 for telling me the truth and making me get up and do it, to Hubby for funding and taking pictures, and to Daughter #2 for listening to my blow-by-blow descriptions of each lesson. 🙂
Subourbon Mom 