Subourbon Mom

My “Big Girl” Job

Hey? Did you hear that flapping sound? That’s me, flailing around in my new job. Yep, I did it—I stopped teaching 5-year-olds so I can work with much taller 5-year-olds in the grown-up world of business.

I won’t go into all the boring details, but suffice it to say (who says “suffice it to say” anymore?), I am having to re-work some of my mental processes as I make the transition from teaching to having a “big girl job,” as my teacher friends like to call it. One of the things I decided would help me through, is to make a list of things to remember while I’m sitting in my cube:

  1. Do not talk about poop at work….or pee, or green boogers or vomit.
  2. You don’t have to get someone to stand over your cube and make sure nothing happens while you go to the bathroom.
  3. Crayon and markers are not acceptable modes of communication.
  4. Do not display your finished work on the board outside your cube.
  5. People can hear you if you’re whispering on a conference call (found that one out yesterday).
  6. You cannot tell irritating people to take a time out.
  7. Do not send back edits with smiley faces on them.
  8. There is no “Question of the Day;” there hundreds of questions (usually asked by me) every day, and the answer usually involves three emails and trying to figure out how to work the phone that has no labels.
  9. You don’t have to write everything in words of one syllable for the beginner readers…usually.
  10. Don’t expect the supply closet to be very inviting—there are no paints, stickers, glitter or construction paper, even though every office in the working world desperately needs these things.
  11. Sitting on the carpet to sort out your papers just looks…odd. Sit in the chair whenever possible.
  12. Do not spin in the chair just because it’s fun. People will look at you funny.
  13. Relax—no one is going to look under the bathroom stall door to see which teacher is in there with them.
  14. It is now safe to talk about The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy without the fear of damaging a child’s imagination—but Santa’s still real, right? (In our house the rule is, “If you don’t believe, you don’t receive.”)
  15. Seriously, don’t talk about poop at work…ever.

10 Parenting Mistakes (I’m willing to tell you about)
May 3, 2013, 7:27 pm
Filed under: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

In light of all the awful parenting going on in the news, I thought that maybe a reality check for those of us who live in the cream cheese world of suburbia was in order.

I’m sure my kids could come up with a hundred right off the bat, and even more when they finally end up in therapy, but here’s ten mistakes I’ve made (these are all absolutely true, and the only ones I could think of that won’t have Social Services at my doorstep), that you can laugh at with your coffee or your happy hour mint julep. After all, when it comes to parenting, every day is a chance to screw them up even more!


  1. Never sit at the kitchen table, having a heart-to-heart with your child about alcoholism, with a giant glass of wine in front of you;
  2. Don’t try to explain the Cuban Missile Crisis by having your kid watch the X-Men First Class movie (since when did History teachers get so picky?);
  3. Never show how secretly pleased you are (however discreetly) as your child deliberately kicks another soccer player on the leg or pushes them down–you instantly become THAT parent;
  4. Leaving your toddlers unattended with a jar of blue paint and a dog is a bad idea;
  5. Another bad idea: reading “The 3 Little Pigs” right before Christmas. We had to leave a note on the front door and call Santa every year to ask him not to come down the chimney so he wouldn’t get burned;
  6. Never tell your second child she’s just trying to get some attention when she says her tummy hurts, too–OR, go ahead and tell her, and know you’re going to be on your knees with a bottle of Resolve in twenty minutes;
  7.  (This one is Hubby’s, but it was too good not to pass on)  When your child says you shouldn’t be driving because you had a beer, think before you say, “It’ll be ok, we’re not far from the house;”
  8. Think before you speak: when noticing a zit on your teenager’s forehead, don’t ask “Hey, who’s your friend?” Your best friend may be able to handle a snarky comment like that, but not your teenager.
  9. Never teach your children the art of “crop dusting” (being silently flatulent as you walk past them). It will come back to bite you;
  10. Never tell your kids the real reason you won’t go see Foreigner in concert is because you had your first French kiss (ewwww, gross!) to one of their songs–they can do the math.

Feel free to post yours, if your kids will let you….

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