Filed under: Food/Drink, mental health, Middle Age, Posts, Spring Break, Travel | Tags: humor, travel, vacation, self-care, Mexico, spa, resort
Sitting here looking at the ice that is taking its sweet, sweet time melting (I’m so freaking over it), I started daydreaming about our pre-ice storm trip to Mexico…one we had been looking forward to for months so we could relax after a difficult and busy year. The resort was one of those all-inclusive resorts for couples, and we were ready for some down time.
You should know that when we first talked about this place, I told Hubby that if there was a cheesey, Las Vegas-style heart-shaped tub anywhere I was leaving. Rest assured, this was not Love Island. It was actually very classy and the service was excellent.
In fact, the resort guests in early January were mostly folks older than us and a few obvious honeymooners. God bless ’em – I’m sure they didn’t anticipate hanging out by the pool near Gerald, a former EVP of something nobody cares about and who is on his third wife. Gerald talks loudly into his phone on speaker mode. All afternoon, as Gerald and his wife mold themselves into their chairs, the staff dutifully bring a steady supply of gin and tonics for him, tequila and sodas for her. The talking gets louder as the gin and tonics kick in, but it was hard to tell how his wife felt about it because she’d had so much surgery or Botox nothing moved.
But I digress.
While we were there, we scheduled a couples massage for 4:00pm one afternoon. Of course, that was the day we met some fun people from Canada who were well-versed in the various rums and tequilas on offer at the swim-up bar. At 3:45, we remembered the massage, stopped at the restroom and sprinted to the spa.
The receptionist did a great job of hiding her disgust at what I am sure was a miasma of liquor coming off of us in waves. She escorted us into the changing rooms, and, after several tries, I got my wet bathing suit off, my feet into the slippers and the fluffy towel wrap thing on right side out. Eventually I met Hubby in the room for a two-part hour of relaxation: half back and neck massage, half facial.
It was great…until I had to pee half-way through.
We had just started the facial and I was doing the horizontal version of the pee-pee dance, when I finally gave in and told the very kind lady that I HAD to go. She laughed and removed whatever was covering my eyes, then helped me sit up and wrap myself in the towel. She marched me down a very long, peaceful hallway filled with light, palm trees, rocks and running water, all of which made the need even more urgent. I passed a couple of people but was on a mission, so just kept motoring for the bathroom.
As I entered the bathroom, I made a horrible mistake – I looked in the mirror.
Mrs. Doubtfire looked back at me. My face was covered in thick, white cream and my hair was sticking up like a crown all around my face.
I started laughing and barely made it into the stall.
It’s really hard to pee when you’re laughing.
When I finally came out, I avoided the mirror and high-tailed it back through the serene hallway and those few people walking silently about. This time I was aware of a few stares and possibly some disapproving glances.
In a few minutes I settled down and enjoyed the last of the session. But I did learn a few things that day:
- Don’t be Gerald (or his wife). People will silently hate you just a little bit.
- Don’t drink before or after a massage – the list of reasons why is as long as long as the hallway I had to traverse looking like a melted marshmallow.
- If you are wrapped in a robe and slippers and covered in face cream, do not—under any circumstances—look in a mirror unless you are emotionally prepared to meet your new identity as “Haunted Spa Ghost.”
- Serenity is fragile. It can be destroyed instantly by the sound of your own laughter echoing off stone walls while strangers silently judge your life choices.
- No matter how fancy the resort, how calming the music, or how skilled the masseuse… I will always find a way to turn relaxation into a minor public spectacle.
So, a belated happy New Year my friends, and make sure you schedule some time for self-care!
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Sports, Travel | Tags: boat, boating, cabelas, fish, Fishing, fun, jaws, marketing, outdoors, sportsman, vacation
I recently got my Cabela’s weekly supplement in the mail. As I was flipping through, marveling at the wide assortment of camouflage apparel and accessories, I came across a sale on fishing kayaks.
I’m a big fan of fishing – I love getting up at dawn, racing along the still waters of the lake to “the spot,” and casting in that rhythmic way that feels like meditating. I even love the small heart attack every nibble and bite produces – yes, I am probably the only person in the world who can make fishing stressful. But I still love it.
I also like kayaking – not as much, but it’s great exercise and is a wonderful way to see different things along the shoreline that you might otherwise not notice going 20 knots in the boat.
I DO NOT, however, like the idea of doing those two things at the same time.
I do not want to be on the same plane as the fish, especially if it’s a big catfish flopping around with spikes that can ruin your corn-on-the-cob-holding hand. Just because I like to eat a jar of pickles at a time doesn’t mean I want to sit in a vat of pickle juice while I do it.
I cannot fathom hooking a big old bass, wrestling it into…my lap? Are you kidding me? That small heart attack I mentioned would be nothing to the panic that would ensue after I got bitch-slapped by that fish.
Plus, I saw the movie Jaws. I am NOT going to hook a fish and be dragged to my death, bobbing and weaving like those yellow barrels.
So thank you, Cabela’s and all you avid sportspeople for combining two peaceful activities into one stressful, death-inducing trip into angler Hell.
You better believe “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
Filed under: Food/Drink, Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Travel | Tags: adulting, bars, beach, crime, drinking, fun, girls, hot tub, lifeguard, north carolina, Outer banks, relationships, rental, vacation, Virginia
Dear Rental House Owner –
Thank you so much for your nice letter and for helpfully providing your lawyer’s name and address, although I don’t think it will be necessary. We had a great girls’ weekend staying in your beach house, and everyone was so friendly! It’s nice when a bunch of middle-aged women can get together for some relaxing quiet time at the beach. I hope you saw that we replaced the wine glasses and re-stocked the liquor cabinet. The combination for the replacement padlock is written on a sticky note by the phone.
And thank you for asking if we got home okay after our night out. We had no idea that your friend Jim owns the _________________ Bar – he was very sweet to escort us personally to our car after Sarah twisted her ankle on the stage. It was also very kind of him to kick that married guy out after he said, “I like your rack” to Lisa. Those drinks the married guy sent over for us that tasted like liquid Skittles were nasty – give us good wine or bourbon any day – what was he thinking? Please tell Jim we hope we didn’t drive too many of his younger customers away with our dancing. Those millennial girls just don’t have the moves we do, and I think they were embarrassed at how much better we were. (They sure do know how to roll their eyes though.) But one nice girl came up to Cheryl and said it must be nice to trust your friends enough to let them hold while you hang upside down like that.
Your next-door neighbor was also very nice, letting us come up on one of his balconies to watch the sunset. When Terry fell and broke her wine glass because she miscounted the steps, he asked if she was okay and didn’t even comment on her speech impediment (it’s often confused with slurring). We cleaned up the wine and broken glass for him, but he had already gone inside so we couldn’t say thank you in person.
You must have a lot of crime in that area – that explains all the cameras. We would greatly appreciate it if you would please tell your other neighbors we were only trying to be helpful when we checked that their hot tub was clean and the heater was working (it was). You might also want to pass on that the cleaners didn’t do a very good job. There was lots of sand in the bottom of the hot tub and two bottles of Fireball had been left on the porch rail. We didn’t want the cleaners to get into trouble so we finished the Fireball off – hence the empties. There wasn’t much we could do about the sand. But if your neighbors find a diamond stud earring, they can put that towards the next cleaning fee.
We noticed that things were a bit dry in North Carolina, so we decided to save water for you by bathing over there. Lisa’s suit color tends to run, so she thought it might do better in the pool. Oh, and by the way, the neighbors also might want to have their pool deck leveled out. Apparently, what they saw on the camera was Lisa falling on the uneven pavement as she was putting her clean bathing suit back on. She must have bumped her head, because she put it on upside down and inside out. We still haven’t figured out how that’s even possible, but that’s Lisa for you. But don’t worry, she says she doesn’t have any interest in litigating the injury.
Yes, we did have one extra person stay overnight. The nice lifeguard we met at Jim’s bar offered to drive us home, and it’s a good thing he did because there aren’t a lot of Ubers around on the off season (none seemed available that late at night – we kept getting declined). I wonder if you know him? There can’t be that many lifeguards who also have a degree in tribal mating dances – that’s probably what you saw on your cameras. But it was extremely fortunate he was there because Cheryl must have had some kind of reaction to the food at the bar – she required mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lifeguard was very concerned for her privacy so he took her into the other room and managed to revive her after several minutes. After that, it was late and he was tired, so the least we could do was let him spend the night. He was a real gentleman – he even fixed us all breakfast the next morning.
If you find the following items we would appreciate it if you would return them:
2 black bathing suit tops
1 pink thong
1 blue bathing suit bottom
1 floral eye mask
3 pairs of readers – black, navy blue and hunter green, varying strengths
Thanks again for your letter of concern, and as you can see, no lawyers will be necessary. We are happy to pay for any damages we didn’t already repair, but I don’t think the tire tracks in your front yard were from us. Sadly, there were a lot of drunk people out that night – some people just can’t handle themselves on vacation. Even the nice police officer who stopped us on the way home said the lifeguard was just driving a little fast. After looking into the car when Cheryl starting yelling “Don’t slur your driving!” and seeing that Lisa was a bit green around the gills, he decided to let us go. What an understanding young man! He even fist bumped the lifeguard. Your beach town is such a friendly place! You must feel so proud to have a house there!
Until next year,
The Girls.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Travel | Tags: Cats, dogs, holiday, Pets, travel, vacation
Thanks for taking care of the babies and the house! Here’s what you need to know:
The Cats:
We have 3 cats (because we’re stupid), but usually only 2 of them hang out at the house:
Izzy is our 14 yr. old weird orange tabby. She’s very vocal, so don’t be surprised if you find her nagging you to feed, water or be her personal slave in every way. This is usually indicated by a bitchy-sounding meow or by her repeatedly slipping her head under your hand as you try to work on your computer.
Kiwi is the long-haired, gray tabby. She’s the in-house terrorist, taking swipes at you as you walk by and plotting your death. She truly believes that when she stares at you she is stealing a portion of your soul and selling it to the Devil – it might be true. The vet is scared of her – just feed her and back away.
Escobar is the black male. He’s super friendly to people and loves to lay around on his back and show you his junk. He’s also an asshole to Izzy, especially when he’s hungry. Escobar wanders the neighborhood looking for…c’mon, that’s too easy. He occasionally graces us with his presence when none of the neighborhood cats are in heat. He’s our neighborhood’s version of Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Don’t be surprised if you don’t see him at all.
Food and Water: Izzy and Kiwi get one scoop of dry food 2x a day. Escobar gets the same when he shows up, but it’s like going on a date – don’t put out unless you’re ready to use it. The cats get fresh water in their bowl when I remember, but Izzy usually drinks out of Larry the Fish’s bowl anyway, and Escobar never really learned how to drink successfully out of a bowl – I can’t even explain how ridiculous he looks when he tries. Kiwi drinks out of the toilet – don’t ask. I think it was part of her ISIS training.
Meds: Izzy gets a half Zyrtec in the morning. She has allergies, so her lips get really fat like Angelina Jolie and it makes her scratch. That’s also why her stomach is completely bald. There is something so sad (and hilarious) when she sits on the kitchen floor and her bald tummy rests on the tile like Jaba the Hut, or when she compulsively licks, muttering to herself, “So bald, so pretty!”
Cat Litter: I’ll change it before we go. There are two boxes – one in the downstairs bathroom and one in the hallway upstairs. I usually scoop the funk out every couple of days into plastic grocery bags (Reduce! Reuse! Recycle!). If it’s really nasty, feel free to just dump the whole thing into a trash bag and put it in the outside bin. Just don’t be like me and forget to add more litter to the box – that doesn’t end well.
Larry the Fish:
There’s no reason Larry should still be alive, so don’t worry if anything happens (he’s like 5 years old and came in a Ziploc from Field Day of the Past). He gets a small pinch of food every day.
The Dogs:
Disclaimer: You said you wanted to do this!
We have 2 dogs.
Lily is the strange brown hound that is terrified of everyone. We’re pretty sure she was Rufied when she was a puppy, and never had therapy to deal with it. She won’t walk through any door except the one off the deck, and will lurk around the corner looking like she wants to come in until you open the door. Then she’ll disappear faster than America’s middle class. But also like the middle class, she’s perfectly happy to ignore the world around her and snuggle on the couch watching Dancing with the Stars.
Holly is an attention whore and a klepto. She loves people and cars – so much so that she will jump into moving cars through the open window. Then she’ll take your stuff as she exits the car, and all you’ll find are chewed up bits all over the yard. She also eats packages delivered to the house, so please sure they are picked up immediately. So far, our running total of delivery destruction is around $700 – that includes two prom dresses we ordered for sizing purposes only. If you know anyone who might want them, they’re hanging in the laundry room. I’m told the kids are now wearing clothes with holes in them.
They can go outside during the day. There is an electric fence (it was so cute that we thought that would keep them in). Our neighbors have taken pity on us and when the dogs escape, frequently leave our wayward girls in the driveway like a bad one night stand.
The Pool:
Enjoy! If you can clean out the skimmer basket every couple of days that would be great – usually there’s just frogs, spiders and beetles in there. Sometimes there’s a snake or two, but not to worry, they’re more scared of you then you are of them. Ha! That’s such bullshit! I’m hate them and call Hubby to come get them out. You’re on your own there. I dump the skimmer critters out in the grass over the fence. The dogs LOVE that.
Oh yeah – I threw in enough chlorine in there to give your face a chemical peel. Enjoy your week of being wrinkle-free.
Other:
Plants: Good luck. They’ve sucked all summer.
TV: We have Xfinity for cable purposes. Turn the TV on using the large remotes (either one will do). Ignore the other remotes sitting around – I’m pretty sure they’re just dog toys at this point and that they don’t work any of the electronics in the house anymore, but SOME PEOPLE won’t throw anything away. All other TV questions – ask Hubby. I have no idea how any of that shit works.
Internet: We live in the country. It’s often slow or doesn’t work at all. Read a book.
So there you have it – feel free to call us if you have any questions and have a great week!
Subourbon Mom 