I used to try hard to be that perfect wife (although Hubby may beg to differ), the perfect mom, the perfect employee, the perfect owner of this body, and a good citizen.
It was so cute that I thought those things were actually achievable. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized none of these perfect people exist.
The perfect wife doesn’t exist – based on what I’ve heard men talk about, that’s actually an impossibility, considering we are generally out of commission for a week every month, and it’s illegal to marry your mother. Those socks aren’t picking themselves up off the floor, My Love.
The perfect mom doesn’t exist either. I tried (briefly) to be the organic mom, but I just don’t have the patience, I shave my legs and I don’t wear Jerusalem Cruisers every day. So Daughter #2 lived off of Nestle Quik in the womb. As a parent in a world where kids have porn at their fingertips, I’ve tried to tell my kids the right amount of information, but not too much: “No, I will not tell you the worst things I did in middle school,” was me being protective of all of us, but telling them “Tea-bagging is…” may not have been the best move. Nope – not perfect.
I also tried to get the fam to church so the kids can at least make an informed decision when they are old enough. But like many people with kids in sports and crazy schedules we fell off the wagon. We used to go at least once a month and felt pretty self-righteous by 11:30 am on those Sundays; then we became “C&E Christians,” only going on the BIG DAYS. Now we’re pretty much just “W&F Christians” – Weddings and Funerals.
Yeah…so not perfect there either. That actually might be a C- or a D.
As an employee, I’m probably a B- (if only that brain-to-mouth filter actually worked).
I even try to be good to my body, but let’s face it – you’d have to have the discipline of the Dalai Lama to turn down all the yummy treats that float by every day. Plus, that whole middle-aged bike tire that recently wrapped itself around my waist has made that goal frustrating. Why starve myself if it’s just going to hang around my waist like a boa constrictor that’s too lazy to finish me off?
Yeah, I’ve become pretty comfortable with the fact that life is a lot like school – C’s get degrees.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful for those of you who are A and B achievers in life – you make my “C” life possible and comfortable. So, here’s my pledge: I’ll try not to always be that kid sitting in the back of the classroom, flicking spit balls at people and making drip noises with my cheeks while you all run the world. I’ll try to pay attention and contribute, even when I’m not called upon.
I might even get my own recycling bin.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: brain, brains, business, condoms, health, marketing, mindful thinking, news, politics, pregnancy, relationships, Science, sex, technology
There is a product not currently available on the market today that I think needs to be developed and implemented: Brain Condoms, or if you want to go all Seinfeld, “Brubbers.”
Brubbers, or brain condoms protect the general public from three things:
- Unwanted Brain Pregnancy. Unwanted brain pregnancy occurs when the person exposed to another person’s un-condomed brain gets impregnated with unwanted thoughts. Biologically, this happens when unprotected brain receptors are inundated by negative phrases (“It’s so brave of you to wear that dress with your body type”), lies (“I did not inhale”) or generally ignorant statements (“Obama is the founder of ISIS”).
- Pre-mature Ejaculation. This occurs when someone speaks before they think things through – which often leads to #1.
- STDs (Stupid Thought Disorders): These are nasty thoughts spoken out loud that can cause pain, an irresistible urge to repeat the same thought over and over again (like scratching an itch), or even make you go crazy. In severe cases, frequent exposure to STDs can cause permanent damage, even sterility (the lack of any individual thought whatsoever).
Of course, Brubbers can come in all colors and sizes, because yes, we all know your brain is a magnum, the gold circle coin of gray matter.
But using Brubbers isn’t foolproof, any more than using an actual Happy Hat is. Brubbers can break, or if not used correctly, they can come off entirely, and no one wants to go fishing for a broken Brubber in that cesspool of thinking surrounding us these days. Just imagine the filth you’d be wading in: Alternative Facts, random and useless trivia, Honey Boo Boo, Kardashian Tweets, Ryan Lochte, AKA Twitter rants, etc.
And folks, the pull-out method doesn’t work here, either. Simply trying to avoid these three issues by avoiding people or walking away from a stupid conversation is not enough. You must protect yourself, your family, and your loved ones. But there is hope! Used along with Brubbers, STDs and unwanted thoughts can be even more effectively avoided by using Brainicides. Brainicides come in different forms and help destroy the negative thoughts, deflect lies and other ignorant statements. Some examples of useful Brainicides:
- Education
- Strong friendships grounded in love, positivity and loyalty
- Strong, positive family relationships
- Exercise
- Limited exposure to social media
So take precautions, people. Any day now you should be seeing Brubbers in school bathrooms (no matter what sex you are), during interviews after any natural disaster that happens in the South, and especially at political conventions and press conferences. Use one – protect yourself.
Subourbon Mom 