Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: brain, brains, business, condoms, health, marketing, mindful thinking, news, politics, pregnancy, relationships, Science, sex, technology
There is a product not currently available on the market today that I think needs to be developed and implemented: Brain Condoms, or if you want to go all Seinfeld, “Brubbers.”
Brubbers, or brain condoms protect the general public from three things:
- Unwanted Brain Pregnancy. Unwanted brain pregnancy occurs when the person exposed to another person’s un-condomed brain gets impregnated with unwanted thoughts. Biologically, this happens when unprotected brain receptors are inundated by negative phrases (“It’s so brave of you to wear that dress with your body type”), lies (“I did not inhale”) or generally ignorant statements (“Obama is the founder of ISIS”).
- Pre-mature Ejaculation. This occurs when someone speaks before they think things through – which often leads to #1.
- STDs (Stupid Thought Disorders): These are nasty thoughts spoken out loud that can cause pain, an irresistible urge to repeat the same thought over and over again (like scratching an itch), or even make you go crazy. In severe cases, frequent exposure to STDs can cause permanent damage, even sterility (the lack of any individual thought whatsoever).
Of course, Brubbers can come in all colors and sizes, because yes, we all know your brain is a magnum, the gold circle coin of gray matter.
But using Brubbers isn’t foolproof, any more than using an actual Happy Hat is. Brubbers can break, or if not used correctly, they can come off entirely, and no one wants to go fishing for a broken Brubber in that cesspool of thinking surrounding us these days. Just imagine the filth you’d be wading in: Alternative Facts, random and useless trivia, Honey Boo Boo, Kardashian Tweets, Ryan Lochte, AKA Twitter rants, etc.
And folks, the pull-out method doesn’t work here, either. Simply trying to avoid these three issues by avoiding people or walking away from a stupid conversation is not enough. You must protect yourself, your family, and your loved ones. But there is hope! Used along with Brubbers, STDs and unwanted thoughts can be even more effectively avoided by using Brainicides. Brainicides come in different forms and help destroy the negative thoughts, deflect lies and other ignorant statements. Some examples of useful Brainicides:
- Education
- Strong friendships grounded in love, positivity and loyalty
- Strong, positive family relationships
- Exercise
- Limited exposure to social media
So take precautions, people. Any day now you should be seeing Brubbers in school bathrooms (no matter what sex you are), during interviews after any natural disaster that happens in the South, and especially at political conventions and press conferences. Use one – protect yourself.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: adulthood, amazon, bourbon, burial, buried, casket, coffin, costco, cryogenics, death, death star, family, funerals, humor, monty python, parents, resomation, ryan lochte, Science, shopping, subourbonmom, urn, walmart
I recently received a text from my friend Kristin late one night that just said Costco sells caskets and urns. Naturally, I had to go look it up, and sure enough they do.
So does Walmart…and Amazon.
Did I miss something? When did the big box stores get involved in the big box business? (Apparently, this business is actually referred to as “Death Care,” the death-sensitive phrase I learned while Googling.) In addition to the assortment of caskets and urns available, Costco also posted a must-read FAQ that informed me about all kinds of death-care rules I knew nothing about. For example, not all states will let you order a casket from somewhere other than a funeral home. Of those that do, you are required to be present when it’s delivered.
Of course, I toyed with the idea of ordering one the next time Hubby makes me furious and just leaving it on the front porch with Universal Casket Company (Costco’s supplier) emblazoned on the box as a hint/threat. But now that we live in the country, only the coyotes and screech owls would see it, so I’ll just have to go back to regular yelling.
I couldn’t believe how expensive these caskets were, and mind you, these were from Costco and Walmart, so I’m sure they had a tiny markup compared to the markup funeral homes add. So, in search of other options, I Googled alternative ways to be buried.
Wow.
There are more ways to be buried than there are ways to have a baby – and that’s after watching every episode of A Baby Story. Actually, many burial methods are eerily similar to methods of having a baby – standing up; in water; natural (read “green”); and, cut open and filled with chemicals. I guess you really do come full circle, like they say.
I have a weird fear of being cremated. I can’t rationalize it, but the idea of it freaks me out. I much prefer Monty Python’s “Nibble, Nibble, Nibble to Crackle, Crackle, Crackle.”
I’ve also always assumed I would be buried in a plot of land overlooking something meaningful and gorgeous, like Robert Redford’s character in Out of Africa. Since we are running out of planet space and it’s uber-expensive, I started looking for alternative burial options. A few stuck with me, if only because they fell into the OH HELL NO I’M NOT DOING THAT category.
Resomation – in which the remains are dissolved in an alkaline solution, leaving a white powder not unlike ashes from cremation. Or a giant pile of coke.
Freeze Drying – I believe this method is still in development, but the process is similar to resomation, except they use liquid nitrogen. After being exposed to the nitrogen, the remains become super brittle and are shaken into a powder. I imagine this to be much like the old rock tumblers we used to use to polish rocks. Afterward, fillings and other non-biodegradable parts are sifted out…in keeping with the rock analogy, kind of like panning for gold. No thanks.
Cryogenics – in which the body is frozen until scientists can figure out how to transcend death in the future and bring you back to life. Jurassic Park ring a bell anyone? That went well. What if you are respected now but turn out to be the biggest douche bag in the future (think Walt Disney)? Or worse, what if Ryan Lochte opts for cryogenics and he’s our representative from the 21st century?
My personal favorite is becoming part of an artificial reef. These reefs are being created off-shore using a mixture of cremation remains and whatever else they make artificial reefs with. These eco-friendly reefs are part of the green death care movement, and are increasing fish habitats and scuba diving opportunities, all while resembling the lost city of Atlantis. I like the idea of building something good for the environment out of peoples’ remains. But why stop there? Why not just start making an entire new planet – WAIT!!!! We could call it the Death Star!!
Too far?
But seriously, for a subject that is so personal and impactful to so many people, both the living and the dead, I find it offensive that we can now buy burial items online the same way we can buy clothes or get a pizza delivery. I understand why people will shop at the box stores for these things – the same reason we buy our food and eBooks there. Prices for caskets and funeral services are ridiculous. In my opinion, there should be limits placed on the costs of caskets, urns, shrouds, and burial options. Alternative burial options should be allowed to be explored and utilized. But the big box stores should stay out of an industry that requires sensitivity and dignity. There are entire industries welcoming the box stores with open arms, but the death care industry shouldn’t be one of them – no bones about it.
Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: blob, bubble, discovery, diving, egg, exploration, humor, news, ocean, oceans, pollution, Science, sports, squid, subourbonmom, travel
Divers recently discovered a translucent blob in the ocean http://www.cnn.com/videos/world/2015/08/03/mysterious-giant-ocean-blob-squid-mass-orig.cnn-storyful/video/playlists/creatures-of-the-deep/ and scientists think it may be a giant squid egg sac. That’s scary all by itself. I saw 2000 Leagues Under the Sea. That one huge eyeball freaked me out for years. I don’t envy the divers down there shining their tiny little diver flashlights onto a giant bubble that no one thought would be there – kind of like the guy in the red shirt on Star Trek who always bit it whenever they went down to some weird planet.
(And about those flashlights: We can send spacecraft to take pictures of the Not-Planet Pluto – are we really unable to make flashlights stronger than the ones those divers were using? If I was down there next to the blob, I’d have a theater spotlight on that thing like it was Bono singing on a New York rooftop.)
I have a couple of different theories about what that blob is:
Some of you may know I can do a lot of gross things, but looking at snot on a little kid is not one of them. One time I was a timer at my kids’ swim meet, and gagged as the child in my lane got out because of the horror running out of his nose. Even my fellow preschool teachers knew to give me a warning and let me turn around whenever a green goblin appeared.
I think the blob is actually a conglomeration of all the snot that gets expelled in the ocean every summer. Like the Terminator’s liquid-metal T-100 enemy (if he got chopped up, the metal bits would seek each other out and stick back together), I think that blob is all the snot that has found its kind, and will soon:
a) explode into a giant snot spill reminiscent of the Valdez oil spill in Alaska, coating everything in its path – surfers, beaches and avian wildlife will be coated, and no amount of aloe-soaked tissues will be able to wipe it away;
b) explode like a sticky supernova underwater, spreading all of the germs and viruses it contains worldwide; or
c) seek me out like the worst Hitchcock-esque movie plot ever (think The Blob).
Or, it could be a giant glob of sunscreen, washed off into the ocean after another hot summer. Mother nature is very efficient, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she managed to corral all that greasy nastiness into one giant sphere, and is using it as a make-shift uterus for some new kind of underwater creature – maybe one that will be able to survive in acidic, pollution-clogged waters. Just think, there could be millions of eggs getting ready to hatch slithering creatures like the snake thing in the trash compactor Luke, Princess Leah and Hans Solo jumped into, in Star Wars.
Or it could be lots of squid eggs.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts, Travel | Tags: adulthood, Animal Planet, animals, Fears, flying, flying snakes, humor, news, reptiles, Scary, Science, snakes, subourbonmom, travel
Every now and then God throws an animal into the mix just to mess with us. One of His favorite things to do must be to mix up combinations of animals that don’t make sense, and see what happens. The platypus comes to mind first, and then maybe the mole, or even the jack-a-lope.
But I didn’t see the flying snake thing coming. Apparently I haven’t been watching the right Animal Planet shows—no one ever went into some piece-of-crap hoarder’s house and found snakes soaring among the rafters in Animal Cops, Houston.
Scientists have been studying how certain snakes can fly—not just drop down onto people from trees like a drunk teenager toilet papering somebody’s house. These things deliberately jump from a tree and land on another branch, or their prey.
Now, I’ve heard of flying squirrels—shoot, our local baseball team has it as their mascot (How intimidating—“Yep, I’m a big fan of The Squirrels. They’re pretty fierce this year.”)—and sure, I knew there were water moccasins that would drop out of trees onto their prey. Definitely scary-movie enough to make me stay away from all overhanging trees when I’m fishing.
Sorry, if one of those things came winging at me through the air, the last thing I’d be thinking about is “Hey, I wonder how they do that?” I’d be freaking the f**ck out!
As I said, scientists have been studying the physics of how these snakes manage to fly without appendages. They used big science terms like “vortex,” and “lift forces,” but what I took away from that is, these reptiles look a lot less like dragons flying through the air than the snakes my preschoolers cut out of paper plates.
Eeeeewwwwwww…
I’m sure Darwin would make some rational explanation about adapting and being an evolved species, but on this one I’m leaning toward creationism: I think God looked at the snake and said, “Not only are you going to make them eat the apple, little snake, but you’re going to make them soil their cute little fig leaves afterward by flying at them. That’ll teach my pesky children to disobey Me.”
So where are these snakes? They are found in lowland areas of Southeast and Southern Asia. That may be their natural habitat, but if Lionfish and those monster pythons can get to Florida via hurricane and pet stores, I’m not taking any chances. I’m thinking of moving to Arizona. At least rattlers are courteous enough to warn you before they strike.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: adulthood, brains, Eyes, humor, memory, menopause, Middle-Age, National Geographic, news, Patrick Dempsey, Science, sex, south, southern, subourbonmom, television, vision
I was looking through our latest copy of National Geographic (I think I am one of the dozen folks in the world still getting it–thanks Mom!), and I came across a couple of articles I couldn’t resist commenting on.
A recent study from Canada’s McMaster University tracked the way men and women moved their eyes as they scanned pictures of faces. In a nutshell, women made more eye movements between the features then men, generating a more vivid picture in their minds. I would like to know why women scan faces more—does this mean we’re naturally more critical of each other? (“Oh Lord, she’s got a glob of mascara on her left eyelid, Bless her heart.”) 
Or is it just part of our enhanced communication skillset? (“Caveman Bob looks like he would be a better mate than Caveman Steve—he’s got laugh lines.”)
I would also like to know if the same holds true for other body parts—say, breasts, for example. I would love to see a study done that determines if men spend the same amount of time scanning breasts as they do faces, or if it is more. 
To be fair, a study should also be done to determine if women scan men’s bodies as much as they do faces. I’m betting they do—I like big…feet as much as the next girl.
In another article, Caltech and UCLA used pictures of celebrities to study how the brain processes what the eyes see. They found out that an individual nerve cell fired up only when subjects were shown pictures of Halle Barry, even is she was dressed up as Cat Woman. Apparently, we use very few neurons for every image we see, and this makes our brains super-efficient at storing information. But if I’m using one neuron for each image, tv must REALLY be using up my brain capacity.
Think of all the images we see every day on tv, YouTube, and SnapChat. No wonder I can’t find my keys or remember where I parked; I’m too busy assigning neurons to hotty actors like Patrick Dempsey and Ian Somerhalder while I Google people in the carpool line.
Since I am completely unable to pull up the name of the lead singer of U2 if I’m asked on the spot, or remember why I came into a room at any given time, my image storing capacity is clearly taking away my language and memory recall.
Maybe this is why in the 1950’s they called the tv “the idiot box.” I think they were on to something.
Now if only I could remember where I put the remote…maybe if I think of Patrick Dempsey holding it I’ll find it.
Subourbon Mom 