Does Toilet Paper Need a Commercial?

October 24, 2018, 3:05 pm
Filed under: Food/Drink, Misc. Humor, shopping | Tags: advertising, commercials, marketing, poop, sales, shopping, television, toilet paper

Funny-toilet-paper-meme I pity the advertising firms that have to come up with new ways to sell toilet paper and not offend anybody. Toilet paper has one specific purpose, and it’s gross. Sure, you can say it has other uses, like failing to adequately remove eye makeup, or sticking to your shoe when you leave the port-o-john, but let’s face it: we don’t buy thick, soft toilet paper because of those little perks. I buy it because I don’t like wiping my butt with the tree bark found in public restrooms.

The other day I heard a commercial for Cottonelle that asked the experts (young kids), “How clean do you feel after going to the bathroom?” And of course, the kids all had cute things to say like “I feel as clean as a white, tiny kitten.”

Kids are cute, but they are not a surefire strategy for selling your product. If you really want to know if the toilet paper is any good, ask a hairy man – he’ll tell you. Ask a woman with IBS – she’ll know. Ask a woman who’s recently given birth – there better be some soft paper in her bathroom or somebody will pay once she gets a couple of hours of sleep. Or ask someone who has dogs that poop on the carpet a lot – they can tell you how durable and flush-able it is.

But don’t ask little kids about toilet paper and how clean they are – they can’t know.

Young kids are inexperienced wipers. I know because I taught preschool for 10 years, and I can’t tell you how many times kids would try to get me to come in the stall (I didn’t – teachers aren’t allowed to) and check to see if they “wiped right” or “got all the poo off.” Thanks, pedophiles, for not only making it inappropriate for teachers to hug a crying child, but for creating a situation where children learning to use the toilet stay itchy all day and develop rashes because teachers can’t check and answer that simple question.

Charmin got it right – they used bears in their commercials. Bears are hairy (i.e. credible), but still inoffensive because everybody knows if a bear shits in the woods and nobody’s around to see it…it didn’t happen.

tp2

But the real question is, do we need commercials at all for toilet paper? I think there are two rules of thumb for this:

If it’s the generic brand, don’t buy it unless you must choose cost over comfort.
A commercial isn’t going to tell you that more than 5 squares clogs the toilet, or that it comes apart in your hand mid-wipe. Your friends tell you that kind of stuff, so go by word-of-moth when it comes to TP purchases. And if your friends don’t tell you this, you need better friends.