Filed under: Exercise, Misc. Humor | Tags: clothing, Exercise, fashion, humor, pilates
I am a person who is weird about being on time. I get stressed out when I’m not, and other “Laties” stress me out too. So when I was late to my Pilates class, it did not go well.
A few weeks ago, I knew I was going to be cutting it close to get to the studio on time. I would need to bring regular leggings, a sports bra and a tank top to class, and change when I got there.
I remembered it all, but instead of regular leggings I grabbed my biker short-length leggings, which are pretty much just Spanx without any of the benefits. I bought them because I was anticipating the studio being too hot in July. I also mistakenly packed a tight, black tank top, not my usual flowy top that hides….a lot.
So there I was, skidding into the gym like I was ten on my dirt bike after landing a perfect jump. I changed my clothes in the mirrorless bathroom and joined the class. However, when I got to my station and looked into the mirror…OH…MY…GOD.
Black is supposed to be slimming.
Staring back at me was a Teletubby in mourning.
The biker shorts squished all the doughy bits up to my waist and out the bottom to my knees. My body looked like someone had grabbed a tube of Jimmy Dean sausage, cut the ends off and squeezed from the middle.
So, I decided I would ignore it and that was fine, until about half-way through class when I saw it…the camel toe. Friends, there’s no discreet way to fix that in a room full of people and mirrors. I hopped into the bathroom again and tried to fix it, but I knew it was a lost cause. I have a long torso and the shorts were (apparently) not long enough. It re-appeared and stayed for the rest of class.
What’s the big deal, you ask? Isn’t it a class full of women? C’mon, people. You know we’re all super judgy, even though we say we aren’t. And if it’s just me that’s judgy like that, well, rest assured that Karma’s a real thing and she’s a bitch.
But it didn’t end there. Being thrifty, I tend to get my workout clothes at discount or “cost-efficient” stores. I think these shorts came from Old Navy. Anyway, as I was huffing and puffing during the workout, I started to smell something.
How was the scent of chicken nuggets wafting into the Pilates studio? There isn’t a Chick-Fil-A anywhere nearby.
No…it can’t be…
It was my f#$%ing biker shorts! How could they do that? I knew it wasn’t me because after class I ran back into the bathroom and did a smell check – it was definitely the shorts. And yes, I washed them before I put them on.
So to recap, because I was late, I looked like a sad, squished sausage and smelled like fast food.
Basically, I was a giant dog treat.
So that’s why I try to be on time.
Filed under: Exercise, Middle Age | Tags: Exercise, gym, horseback riding, Horses, mindfulness, orange theory, pilates, training
In our efforts to become more and more efficient with our time, exercise has become something we do to be healthy, look good and relieve stress. And the faster we can do that, the better.
So, hat’s off to all you exercise psychos who get up at 5:00am, be at the gym by six and showered and at your desk by eight. You’ve knocked it out for the day and you’ll sleep better knowing your blood pressure is lower, your muscles are tired, and that eating the donut Kevin brought into work isn’t going to wreck your dietary world.
I used to be one of you.
But, since the pandemic forced me to work from home, I’ve learned some unpleasant truths about myself:
- I won’t exercise at home unless it’s walking the dogs, and even then it’s really only because my apple watch talks to my health insurance and I get $1 for it.
- Watching exercise videos on YouTube is like watching TV – I’ll just turn it off when I don’t like what they’re doing. It’s a lot harder to do that when you have a trainer blocking the gym door against runners like me.
- I need physical and mental separation from my work, which doesn’t happen for me, working from home. Compartmentalizing is not my thing.
As soon as I could, I started going to a Pilates studio. I was too out of shape to go back to Orange Theory (no way was I going to go back to being a “Walker” – if you know, you know…). I had injuries to heal, and I knew Pilates is good for strengthening your core. Since my “core” had expanded to include a lot of peripheral areas, that sounded perfect.
And it was, for a while. But just like with all the other exercises I’d tried, I got bored. It became an appointment I had to keep instead of being something I looked forward to. Worse, I still couldn’t disconnect from work. I’d be doing stretches and making a “C—Curve” until my body shook, but I would still be thinking of all the things I had to do.
Finally, after a lot of bitching and a heart-to-heart with Daughter #1, who is now a personal trainer herself, I understood that I need to find an exercise that is something physical that I enjoy doing away from the house/work, but that also takes my complete attention.
Enter Daughter #2, who asked for the millionth time why I didn’t just start horseback riding again.
From the mouths of both my babes.
With horses, you must be present. They can read your emotions form the moment you enter the barn, and trust me, if you’re in a shitty mood, they’re going to be too. And who can blame them? Would you want someone sitting grumpily on your back, hands clenched, attached to the reins and the bit in your mouth? When I’ve tried to ride Daughter #2’s horse like it’s a mission to accomplish, he simply refuses to walk out of the barn, and I don’t blame him.
From grooming to riding to walking them to their field, horses demand your complete attention. There’s no sneaking out when you’re done, like I used to do at Orange Theory, when the rowing part of the class was just the last straw. If you’re not paying attention with a horse, you’re either on the ground, chasing an escapee or simply stepping in a big pile of shit.
So this fall, after Daughter #2 heads back to college, I’m going to start riding again in earnest. God help the poor horse that has put up with me flailing around until I’m strong enough to stay balanced (and on).
Now, I know riding isn’t for everybody – that’s not the point. The point is to make exercise something you want to do, not an appointment you have to keep. Go find your thing – hiking, canoeing, pickle ball, swimming, rock wall climbing, yard work, whatever it is that floats your exercise boat. Just make sure it’s something where you have to be completely present – the rest will follow.
Subourbon Mom 