Subourbon Mom


It’s Not Herpes – I Went to the Dermatologist Today!
May 11, 2018, 4:00 pm
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor, Posts, Travel | Tags: , , , ,

Today I went to the dermatologist for my annual visit, which always makes me temporarily look like I fell headfirst into a vat of liquid herpes virus.  Blisters are on my forehead, nose and cheeks from where she froze a bunch of questionable freckles and moles.  I also requested to have a skin tag removed so I don’t have a weird, skinny pinky growing out of my neck – but when she froze it off, it blistered, and now it looks like a I have an abnormally small third nipple growing there instead.

One of the things that is supposed to separate us from the animals is our ability to postpone gratification.  We can wait to eat that chocolate bar in the bin at the grocery store checkout when we know there’s a huge anniversary steak waiting for us at Ruth’s Chris.  The flip side of that is our ability to understand that not all consequences are immediate.  The fact that you hung your little brother in the closet all afternoon by the back of his shirt may not have incurred parental wrath until Dad got home. Then the beatings would begin.

Sun damage is the same. When I forgot to flip over as I basted my teenage self, there wasn’t any immediate regret, just the tingle of a mild sunburn or the occasional blister.  Aaaah, but the punishment has begun.  These days, I can see lines that are soon going to make me look like a dried-up prune, or one of those muppets in the movie Labyrinth.reminds me

The movie Something About Mary also comes to mind – and not the Cameron Diaz character.  DBpduiNW0AAkXPp

I’m pretty sure that Botox won’t help either – making my face immobile might take away the lines, but it will also make it impossible for anyone to know if I’m being sarcastic or just super bitchy.

My skin may look 20 years older than I am, but there’s always a silver lining: I don’t have to worry about Hannibal Lecter or Buffalo Bill anymore (Silence of the Lambs).  I think my skin has finally started turning into leather while I’m still wearing it.  It’s not quite saddle or boot material, and no amount of lotion is going to make it into a good skin suit  (don’t ever Google that – trust me).

So that’s my Public Service Announcement – wear your sunblock and your 100 SPF t-shirts, and please, please, please go see your dermatologist regularly.   Not being afraid of Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill is a silver lining, but don’t put yourself in a position where you have to look for one.

 



10 Signs You Shouldn’t Run 10ks: (#Monument10k)
April 28, 2018, 12:03 pm
Filed under: Exercise, Posts | Tags: , , , , , , , ,
  1. In all of your race pics (at a purchase price of a mere $18 each), there’s no thrill of victory or agony of defeat – you just look irritated, like your headband is too tight.
  2. You get super-annoyed and embarrassed when the guy running in the inflatable T-Rex outfit passes you – and yet you just can’t muster up the energy to try and catch him. Grandmas doing that weird run/walk thing also pass you…you know the ones – their upper bodies look like they are running, but their legs are just walking.trex
  3. You pour water on your face so you look sweaty just before you run past your gym’s sponsor tent, then walk the rest of the way.
  4. Every hill feels like Mount Everest, and nothing like level 10 on the tread mill.
  5. You consider stopping to see if the nice first aid people need any help in their pretty red tents; then you find the port-o-john with the longest line and stand in it.
  6. You don’t care at all what your race time is – you’re just happy you finished without needing a trip to the orthopedist and a bottle of Aleve.
  7. You own the cool Bluetooth headset but still carry your phone in its ridiculous mom-phone case.
  8. You seriously consider taking one of the beers those college kids in the togas are handing out, but you know it will end in guilt, a handful of Tums and maybe vomiting stealthily on T-Rex guy’s shoes from behind.
  9. Your special running socks don’t do shit – your hips, legs, and even your size-A boobs hurt after mile one.   People who actually achieve nipple chafing seem like they’re another species.
  10. …and yet you sign up repeatedly for “races” with misplaced optimism:
  • “I know I can do more than one mile this year…”
  • “This year the weather will be warmer/cooler/sunnier/cloudier so I’ll do better…”
  • “Wait…you put me in which flight?”
  • “I’ll just start running with you guys and walk when I need to…”
  • “Next year I’m going to start training earlier…and dress up as a Velociraptor.”


Let’s Talk Vikings

Let’s talk Vikings. More importantly, let’s talk about why they are sexy and appealing, and why I can’t stop binge watching shows like the History Channel’s Vikings and BBC America’s The Last Kingdom.

It’s not because I have a thing for burly, unwashed guys with long hair.  In real life I tend to go for the clean-cut, naturally athletic type (you’re welcome, Hubby.)  In fact, that probably explains why I also binged on Vampire Diaries – they were all athletic and clean-cut, even if they did have a habit of drinking other people’s blood.  But there is something viscerally appealing about the characters in these blood-thirsty shows, despite the fact that they regularly do horrific things to people and display the darker sides of humanity.  Hardly an episode goes by that some form of lopping or evisceration doesn’t happen, or when greed, naked ambition and revenge aren’t acted upon.

So what exactly is the appeal?

Well, first, let’s get the obvious out of the way:

But what else?

When you watch a show like Vikings, you live vicariously through those characters as they do things that are unacceptable in today’s society like taking what isn’t yours just because you can, killing those who clearly deserve it, and having sex with royalty or a slave.  And let’s face it – we’re a bit jealous, so we keep watching.  In real life, when another driver on the road does something exceptionally stupid, I want them to reap what they’ve sewn.  Since it’s not acceptable for me to help them with that by nudging them Fast and Furiously into the guardrail until they flip over 17 times (and of course come out unscathed – I’m not an animal, people!), I watch shows like Vikings where the characters can actually act on their baser desires. At least in their case somebody’s getting something done – there is retribution.

Plus there’s this:

vikings_son1

Does that mean that everyone who watches the weekly torture fest on Game of Thrones secretly wants to torture people?  Probably not, but there are plenty of messed up people out there who should only be allowed to watch episodes of Sesame Street and work on their people skills.  But Game of Throne’s emphasis on torture and the show’s popularity does make you wonder.  Maybe lots of people have a need to feel empowered – if you can’t get it in your own life, watching someone else act on it in the extreme satisfies that need.  Or, maybe they just like seeing people in pain.  Whatever – the point is, these shows feed some baser need in their viewers.

Should we change our rules to accommodate these baser needs? Absolutely not. Should we dress in animal heavy wool, grow out our hair and still have unrealistically good teeth – maybe, if you can look like this:

But wool’s scratchy and hot, my hair never looks like that and my teeth are marginally better than a 800 A.D. Viking’s teeth; instead, I’ll keep watching these shows, keeping my baser instincts at bay…at least until the next NFL season starts.

footbal fans

 

 



Spoons Don’t Make People Fat – People Make People Fat
June 16, 2017, 7:57 am
Filed under: Posts

Although my timing may be poorly chosen based on recent events in the news, I couldn’t help but rolling my eyes when I heard for the hundredth time “Guns don’t kill people – people kill people.” I was eating a giant bowl of cookie dough, and all I could think was, “Spoons don’t make people fat – people make people fat.” In fact, while I’m a proponent of limited gun control, I was shocked when I saw the difference between the number of gun-related deaths annually vs. the number of deaths attributed to obesity. Guns may do the job more quickly and messily, but apparently obesity kills 10x the number of Americans than guns do. So, I thought…and that always gets me into trouble….

If we’re going regulate guns, we should regulate cutlery.

Oh, I can hear those of you against gun control screaming already. Save it.

This is a fun blog, not a political one.  And before everyone gets all up in arms (Get it? Up in arms?) about me picking on obese Americans, I’m fully aware that government regulation and changes in our behaviors as a society have been major contributors to the foods we are encouraged to eat and the rising obesity levels in the last 6 decades. Not everything is our fault. I get it.

obama lunchRelax – I’m going to dish up some fun.

Let’s face it – regulating the food industry has failed miserably. We can’t even keep unhealthy food out of our schools, and that’s where we have the most control over what our children eat, besides in our own houses. Hell, we even suck at regulating water – just ask anybody in Flint, Michigan.

So here’s my proposal:

Limit the Types of Cutlery Available:  First, you have to get rid of the “big guns” of the cutlery world – your ladles, ice cream scoopers and anything disposable. Why make it easier for people to overeat by making cutlery bigger? And why make it so we don’t even have to wash what we use?  And whoever invented the spork should be shot, er, jailed, because that was just a crime in itself. It’s either a spoon or a fork, people – not both. The tines aren’t big or strong enough to spear lettuce and the spoon part isn’t big enough to scoop anything worth scooping.

Tax the Ammo:  Tax the unhealthy foods, and lower the price on healthy foods.  Twinkies should never be cheaper than apples.  Ok, you can tax kale. I hate kale.

Perform Background Checks:  If you’re on medication for obesity-related issues, have a severe heart condition or a history of eating irresponsibly or emotionally (like a giant bowl of cookie dough), you should be allowed minimal cutlery purchases, including basic utensils for cooking and a knife and fork. Of course, now that the health industry’s records are all becoming automated, this should be easy to track. I’m sure there won’t be any mistakes.

registered cutleryRegistered Cutlery:  If you purchase cutlery, you must register it. Unregistered cutlery will result in a fine.  By doing this, three new economies will be created: engravers to put serial numbers on each piece, the government will hire people to inaccurately keep track of all the data, and the black market will thrive as picnickers struggle with the idea that they will have to carry their utensils around after they eat.  Restaurants, of course, will have special dispensations, in the same way shooting ranges have special licenses.

See? It wouldn’t be too hard, and I’m sure the results would be similar to our successes with gun control.  I’m off to eat my own cooking and put down my spoon. In fact, I’ll eat an apple with my bare hands – it’s healthy and only taxed in my state at 4.5%.



C’s Get Degrees in Life – I’m Ok With That
April 27, 2017, 7:00 pm
Filed under: Exercise, Posts

I used to try hard to be that perfect wife (although Hubby may beg to differ), the perfect mom, the perfect employee, the perfect owner of this body, and a good citizen.

It was so cute that I thought those things were actually achievable.  But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized none of these perfect people exist.

Perfect wifeThe perfect wife doesn’t exist – based on what I’ve heard men talk about, that’s actually an impossibility, considering we are generally out of commission for a week every month, and it’s illegal to marry your mother.  Those socks aren’t picking themselves up off the floor, My Love.

The perfect mom doesn’t exist either. I tried (briefly) to be the organic mom, but I just don’t have the patience, I shave my legs and I don’t wear Jerusalem Cruisers every day. So Daughter #2 lived off of Nestle Quik in the womb.  As a parent in a world where kids have porn at their fingertips, I’ve tried to tell my kids the right amount of information, but not too much: “No, I will not tell you the worst things I did in middle school,” was me being protective of all of us, but telling them “Tea-bagging is…” may not have been the best move.  Nope – not perfect.

Perfect parent

I also tried to get the fam to church so the kids can at least make an informed decision when they are old enough. But like many people with kids in sports and crazy schedules we fell off the wagon.  We used to go at least once a month and felt pretty self-righteous by 11:30 am on those Sundays; then we became “C&E Christians,” only going on the BIG DAYS.  Now we’re pretty much just “W&F Christians” – Weddings and Funerals.

Yeah…so not perfect there either. That actually might be a C- or a D.

As an employee, I’m probably a B- (if only that brain-to-mouth filter actually worked).

 
Muffin topI even try to be good to my body, but let’s face it – you’d have to have the discipline of the Dalai Lama to turn down all the yummy treats that float by every day.  Plus, that whole middle-aged bike tire that recently wrapped itself around my waist has made that goal frustrating. Why starve myself if it’s just going to hang around my waist like a boa constrictor that’s too lazy to finish me off?

 

Yeah, I’ve become pretty comfortable with the fact that life is a lot like school –  C’s get degrees.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful for those of you who are A and B achievers in life – you make my “C” life possible and comfortable. So, here’s my pledge:   I’ll try not to always be that kid sitting in the back of the classroom, flicking spit balls at people and making drip noises with my cheeks while you all run the world. I’ll try to pay attention and contribute, even when I’m not called upon.

I might even get my own recycling bin.

 

 




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