Subourbon Mom

Three Juans Don’t Make a Right

collegeThere are times when every parent worries about their kids—not because of grades, or because they play a sport, but because sometimes they say things that just make you shake your head and wonder how they managed to live this long.

Daughter #1 and I were sitting at the kitchen table the other night, pouring over the stack of college brochures she’d brought home. We finally got down to the last three. She was leaning in close, looking at the brochure for a big university down South—which I encouraged because neither she nor I have any interest in going father north than where we are right now.

I asked her, “So what is it about that school that makes you want to go there?’

Daughter #1 glanced up at me, leaving her finger on the picture of a girl sitting on a green lawn with a book in her lap. “Look Mom, I’d wear that outfit. She looks like me.”

Seriously, that was her answer.

Not to be deterred by her answer, I asked why she was looking at another southern school.

“I like red.” she answered.

Sigh….and that’s how a teenager with a 4.5 GPA decides how to spend thousands of dollars on their education.

But I don’t know what we’ll do when they’re out of the house. How will I survive without conversations like the following?

Daughter #2, Daughter #1 and I were all sitting at said kitchen table, when Daughter #1 started making fun of how Daughter #2 says some words. “Milk” is pronounced melk, and she says I Juan instead of “I won.”

Daughter #1: “You do too say it that way. Juan is a Hispanic boy’s name.”

Daughter #2: “No I don’t.”

Me: “Actually, you do.”

Daughter #2: “Mom!”

Me: “But I think you’re not saying Juan, you’re saying wan, which actually means looking all washed out.” I tried an example: “You look wan today.”

Daughter #1 and Daughter #2 just stared at me, used to my random insertion of pointless facts into conversations. Sometimes they’re even true.

Daughter #2 thought about it for a second.  “That’s one of those words that sounds like what it means.”

Daughter #1: “Yeah, like faaaaaat. Or thin.”


Daughter #2: “It’s an onomatopoeia.”

Me: “No, onomatopoeia is a word that is a sound, like Bang. ‘Wan’ isn’t a sound.”

Daughter #2 looked deflated.

Daughter #1: “C’mon, Mom, let her have it.” She looked at her sister. “Good job! You Juan!


Skeezers and Other Words I Made Up
August 7, 2013, 8:03 pm
Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The other day I opened my email and yipped for joy.

I’d won a contest!


Okay, so I didn’t exactly win anything substantial, except some dubious recognition that I’m clever with words.

But still, I won something!

Months ago, I submitted a new definition for the word porcupine (a yearning for bacon) to my alma mater’s English Department newsletter. Since they didn’t print anyone else’s second- or third-place submissions, I think I was the only one nerdy enough to enter.

But I won!

So, basking in my success, I thought I’d share with you some of my other made-up words and definitions (beware—some of these are NOT kid-friendly):

Ho-rizen:  A slut getting up in the morning after a one night stand;

Far Ho-rizen:  A slut getting up after a one night stand who has to drive home; or, a pyromaniac slut getting up after a one night stand;

Lexit:  The awkward act of trying to exit a sports car in a tight skirt (a la Brittany

Spears), legs first;

Skeezer:  The creepy older guy who waterskis right next to the dock where your

teenaged daughters are basking;

Thongstipation:  When you’re wearing a thong & it makes you feel like you have to go, even if you don’t;

Liarrheah:   Chronic lying or the series of lies that build on each other after you tell just one;

Textual intercourse:            Sexting;

Failienation:  When your friends leave you by yourself after an epic social fail;

Highway eye-pass:  The cool glancing over at the driver next to you, but when you realize they aren’t as cute as you thought, you keep your eyes sliding past them like you’re looking at something else;

Paddle Bored:  When you are in a canoe/kayak and wish you were in a motorboat;

I Exam:  The act of self-examination after a decision;

I Make-up:  Forgiving yourself for the bad decision;

I Glasses:  The multiple wine glasses/red solo cups claimed during a party that may or may not actually be yours;

Vagenda:  Women on the prowl have one of these (I can’t remember if I made this one up or heard it somewhere, but I still think it’s funny);

Aunts-in-your-pants:  Your mom’s cougar friend who thinks you’re hot; (pronounced ants-in-your-pants)

Cheetos:  Using artificial means to achieve orgasm;

Out-of-the-box:  When a man has been denied sex;


So, if you think of any on your own, especially during those long car trips this summer, let me know!

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