Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: adulthood, Cannibalism, Donner, Food, game, hannibal lechter, health, humor, hunting, subourbonmom
DISCLAIMER: I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING THE ACT OF KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN OR ANIMAL. SO ALL YOU PSYCHOS OUT THERE, TAKE A STEP BACK AND OWN YOUR OWN CRAZY. I’VE GOT PLENTY OF MY OWN, AND THIS IS NOT PART OF IT.
First let me say I am not a hunter – I know I could never look an animal in the eyes and shoot it, unless a) I was starving, b) the animal was suffering, or c) it was attacking me. (Hubby disagreed and said I couldn’t even then.) With deer hunting season in its final throes, there’s been a lot of discussion where I live about the different tactics for hunting and cleaning deer to keep the meat from tasting gamey. The same day as one of these discussions was going on, while in the gym I saw one of those documentary channels feature stories on cannibalism – it must be the impending cold weather that makes producers think people are considering it. So, as I was listening to yet another dissertation on hunting, the two subjects merged in my weird brain, and I wondered if the same principals of keeping meat form being gamey would apply to cannibalism.
I have the answer to that particular problem, and it could apply to both regular hunting and Cannibalism – not that I’m taking part in a Donner dinner, or planning on hangin’ with Hannibal.
To be brief, I learned that to prevent gaminess in your meat, the animal should be killed quickly, and not chased for long – too much lactic acid builds up and creates the gamey taste. My solution? Road kill.
It’s the perfect solution – it offers the element of surprise, no chasing (unless you’re a really bad driver), and the convenience of having carcass transportation at your fingertips.
Note to self: Just because you are thinking about something doesn’t mean you should Google it.
BIG MISTAKE.
I now have images in my head that can’t be erased. This must be how Daniel Tosh feels after a season of Tosh.0.
First, there was a link to “Why Cannibalism is Bad for You.” Um…were enough folks actually considering this that someone had to write an article on it? The main reason that stuck with me (and there were quite a few), of course, is that Americans as a culture are not a lean protein. In fact, I think we’re probably the bacon of the Cannibalism diet.
Second, I had it confirmed that there are some sick, sick people out there. Apparently, one guy in Germany put out an ad for another male, 18-39 who might be interested in having him eat him. Now maybe it was a colossal miscommunication, but somebody answered it – AND AGREED TO IT. Maybe it’s just me being naive, but wasn’t there a point in that evening when maybe it was time to say, “Hey man, I don’t think this is what I signed up for?”
And finally, there was an actual recipe site. I won’t print it here because I have to draw the line somewhere. But it was actually pretty funny.
So what did I really learn from all of this? Stop watching cheesey documentary channels while I’m at the gym, and get to work losing some weight – I definitely do not want to be bacon.
Filed under: Middle Age, Posts | Tags: adulthood, anxiety, family, health, humor, insomnia, menopause, Middle-Age, mom, moving, new home, senses, sleeping, south, southern, subourbonmom, Super Powers
A year ago I never would have thought I would find myself standing in the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning, cooling my feet off on the cold tile. Gone are the days of worshipping those cold tiles after a night of drinking. This sin’t the only thing that’s changed. The first couple of times I woke up in a light sweat, I thought, “Right – this must be what menopause is like.”
Yeah….about that.
These days, I am enjoying the lovely combination of night sweats, which now include a literal puddle of sweat nestled between my collar bones, feet that feel like they’re on fire (hence the time I now spend standing on cold bathroom tiles.) and a racing heart that I am currently attributing to stress of moving to a new house and a marketing campaign at work, but which I have been informed can be a symptom of menopause as well.
But at least I’m not on FaceBook at 2:00am. That’s the kiss of death for me as far as menopause is concerned. When that hapens I may as well throw in the towel and start shopping at J.Jill and Hallmark for everything (if you don’t know what J.Jill is, you’re not there yet).
So I was standing in the bathroom topless (because my shirt was too wet to keep on), cooling off my feet and eating a granola bar, when it dawned on me: when you are trying to sell a house while still living in it, you gain some serious Moving Super Powers:
- Your heightened vision can spot the tiniest crumb on the new carpet in the house you are trying to sell;
- Super Ears hear the cats at any time day or night as they scratch and paw in the kitty litter box, sending showers of gray litter all over the floor that you will have to vacuum up later on;
- Your Super Nose can detect the last thing anyone cooked – especially when there’s the possibility of a showing the next day – even something as bland as a peanut butter sandwich has a lingering smell;
- You can vacuum, dust, and load and empty the dishwasher faster than flow of money hemorrhaging out of your bank account;
- And, you can simultaneously sleep (snore), review your massive list of things to do and have an anxiety attack at the same time.
Superman and Wonder Woman were definitely over-rated. I bet Superman and Wonder Woman never found themselves in the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning, unsuccessfully trying to silently open a granola bar wrapper while putting on a dry pajama top right-side-out. And I’m pretty sure they never had to coordinate the movers, stager, helpful friends and family, utility disconnection, and getting the garage door fixed.
I’ve got Moving Super Powers, baby – I’m invincible…except when my feet get hot.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: adulthood, End Zone, football, Gwyneth, Gwyneth Paltrow, health, humor, Middle-Age, mugwort, NFL, Paltrow, personal care, sex, spas, sports, steam, subourbonmom, vaginal steaming, women's health
Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow, life guru to…no one, really…is touting the energizing and cleansing effects of something called the “Vaginal Steam.”
Yeah, you read that right.
It seems there is a new spa option that allows women to sit on a throne-like chair, and let steam infused with an herb called mugwort…cleanse the End Zone.
I’m not a medical expert, and the research I did (which consisted of talking to some friends) raised a few questions in my mind.
First of all, according to WebMD, one of the many uses of mugwort is as an energy tonic, which I suppose is why Gwyneth thought it might be “energizing.” Among many other things, Mugwort is also used for “worm infestations” and to “stimulate gastric juices and bile.” For worm infestations and gastric juice production, I refer you to a professional—especially if they’re in your End Zone.
WebMd also says Mugwort “might stimulate the uterus.” Um…to do what? Unless I’m pregnant and days past my kid’s due date, I don’t want my uterus doing much of anything, thank you very much. When you’re in your 40’s the less End Zone upheaval the better.
As far as I know, most people steam their bodies for three reasons: to relieve a sinus infection, to ease sore muscles, or to try and reduce the signs of age, sun and smoke damage.
If your End Zone is having unusual drainage, steaming it at a spa is not going to help. Chances are, you’ve had a few too many touchdowns in your End Zone and you need to see a professional, who hopefully has a quick antibiotic-related fix.
If your End Zone has muscles so sore that they need some time in a sauna, you need to re-think the level of play you’re allowing on the field. And by the way, the End Zone is already kind of its own personal sauna, don’t you think?
If your End Zone has sun or smoke damage…I don’t even know what to tell you. Maybe steam cleaning will be your thing after all.
I have no idea what the signs of End Zone aging might be, other than the grass changing colors, 
but I’m pretty sure that unless you’re okay with altering your End Zone using Botox, lifts and chemical peels, you might not want to steam down there either. If you really are concerned with the visual appeal, you can always repaint the lines, and get a new team logo. 
So thanks, Gwyneth, for making me aware of something I now can’t ever forget exists.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts, Sports | Tags: adulthood, airports, Breakfast Club, Energy, health, humor, Middle-Age, office etiquette, Running, south, southern, sports, subourbonmom
Going from teaching to sitting in front of a computer all day has caused some weird side effects—one of which it that I sometimes have the almost uncontrollable impulse to run short distances in inappropriate places. I think this has to do more with expending extra energy than any kind of office-induced physical Turetts.
In case you have any of these urges, here are my top fave places to run inappropriately (yes, I’ve done most of them):
- The office: racing your colleagues to the bathroom is just fun—sorry Kelly, had to do it.
- Church: there’s something exhilarating about sprinting down that plush carpeted aisle where most people creep in on Sunday’s, heads bowed—but only during non-service times. I know many people will think it’s disrespectful, but I think Jesus would smile, knowing someone was having so much fun in a place where so much serious thought happens.
- Outside in rain puddles—especially if your friends don’t see you coming and you splash in a puddle as you breeze by, getting them soaked; it’s even better if you don’t like the person you just splashed.
- Through sprinklers in the summer, outside stuffy office buildings—definitely fun and worth the chilly air-condition-induced cold you will have later.
- Down a middle or high school locker-filled hallway a la Judd Nelson in “The Breakfast Club.”
- Down the aisle in a store that has framed posters hanging on one of those carousels, letting your hands graze each frame as you go buy;
- The office again—this time pushing an office chair in a modified office Olympics.
- Hotel hallways—this one is better with two people racing and hip-checking each other as you careen down the hall. If you slam into a hotel room door, even better. Usually this seems to happen late at night, but it also occurs when children are present.
- Hospitals—I’ve been binge-watching too much Grey’s Anatomy. Haven’t done this one yet, but I’m “dying” to do it, yelling “Code Blue! I need a doctor Stat!”
- Airports—on the fast-walker thing. That’s just super-fun, and nobody will look at you too hard, they just assume you’re late for our connection.
Working as an adult is necessary and often rewarding, but when you have that crazy urge to expend some extra energy, run with it!
Disclaimer: Subourbonmom and its author or affiliates (i.e. Hubby and Daughters 1&2) are not responsible for any repercussions that might happen to you if you do any of these activities.
Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: adulthood, Beauty, chest hair, hair removal, haircuts, health, humor, manscaping, mens health, razors, sex, subourbonmom, tweezers, wax
The other day a group of us were discussing a fashion trend that some of us find…interesting: Manscaping. I don’t just mean a little mowing the yard after a shower–I’m talking serious, no-hair-anywhere Manscaping that leaves most actors in the 35-and-under category weirdly hairless—like pre-pubescent boys.
Now, I’m all for not seeing Sasquatch peeking out from under the collar, just as I imagine no one wants to see a fig leaf bikini on the beach with palm fronds growing out of it. But one guy in the conversation (which was started and dominated by women, so kudos to the guys there for holding their own) finally asked, “So if a man is hirsute and he’s trying to do this, exactly where does the carpet stop and the tile begin?”
Excellent question. I went to that trustworthy source, Google, since asking my friends was doing nothing but causing hysterical laughter as we talked about waxing and trimming horror stories and mistakes.
There a lot of how-to sites, most concerning the techniques of using razors and wax and laser removal. But here are a few tips from Esquire magazine (and a couple of other sites) that I agree with:
- For the chest that does not see a lot of gym time, a layer of hair can be a blessing. But if you do choose to show it off, make sure your chest hair is in proportion to your arm and leg hair. You can trim them all, but the key word here is TRIM. The character Schmidt on the television show New Girl is the perfect example of things not matching up. The guy has a crazy-thick head of hair and 5-o’clock shadow, but no hair anywhere else that network television will show. For the chest, waxing or using clippers is recommended to reduce ingrown hairs and shave-rash.
“Schmidt”
- Back hair—it’s gotta go; and the neck too. No matter how much you rock your partner’s world, no one needs that extra something there to hold onto. As for the neck, any decent hair stylist should be taking care of it anyway.
- The buttocks—back to the carpet/tile question: “No one wants hair shorts,” says Esquire. Maybe trimming is the compromise?
- Nose and ear hair—really? Is that still even a question? And no, there isn’t an age limit on when that should stop being an issue. I view nose, neck and ear hair as the weed whacker areas. Get the proper tools and it’ll go quickly, while making everything else look better.
- The undercarriage: Word on the street is that trimming up the undercarriage can make the muffler look bigger; however, you can’t run around in your tighty-whities anymore afterward. Hair on any part of the body acts as a moisture wicking device, as well as a friction reducer. Tight underwear can cause rashes, itching and chafing.
- Trimming your chest/body hair into cute shapes is a no-no (see below).
- The Boyzilian—I’m not touching that with a 10-foot pole (that’s probably trimmed to look like 12). A man getting that done–that’s an image I DO NOT want in my head. If it’s something you want to try—good luck to you. Your partner should spring for the Advil and the bag of frozen peas.
Now that summer is over, waxing season has begun. Start now, and it will be less painful and less frequent by next summer. Christmas is coming up (according to most stores you’d think its next week. It’s only October, people! Can’t we get through Halloween first?), so that might be a good time to ask for that trimmer. Whatever you choose to do, you might want to make sure it’s not permanent. Just look at all those women out there with eyebrows like a pencil line; that style’s out now, and thicker brows are in. They don’t make chest hair pencils—yet—just sayin’.
(And after looking for all of these pictures, there are now about a dozen images I can’t ever un-see…you’re welcome.)
Subourbon Mom 