Subourbon Mom

The Weeper
August 12, 2018, 7:39 pm
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I was recently invited to a friend’s house to watch the finale of The Bachelorette. Seven women of various ages and relationship stages were there, from college to middle-age, from single to married to divorced to “talking”, or whatever they call it now. I’ve never actually seen more than 5 minutes of any episode (because I think the whole show is any Saturday night at a bar but extended for 15 hour-long rides on the Drama Train).  This time, I decided the girl time was much needed and maybe I could figure out why the show is so popular.

Let me just tell you, I had a GREAT time.  I was yelling and groaning along with everyone as the drama unfolded.  So yes, friends who are rolling their eyes, I can be open to new things.

Now keep in mind while you’re reading this that I still watch Survivorand American Ninja Warriors, and I’m aware that I’m standing in the middle of a huge glass house.

When I arrived, I was ushered into a Bachelorette wonderland:




Each guest had to pick which bachelor “team” they were on.  Since I knew nothing about either of the two finalists (Garrett and Blake), I chose Blake based on the pictures stuck into the team cupcakes.


And then the drama train started huffing down the Bachelorette tracks.

Or should I say weeping down the tracks. Oh my God, I have never seen so much weeping on one show.  Mostly by Garrett. And let me tell you, Team Garrett lapped it up, goofy, salty tears and all.

“He’ll make such a great dad!”
“He’s so sensitive!”
“Why can’t I get a guy like that?”
“Why can’t I get a guy at all?” (Note – these girls were all gorgeous and in their 20’s – huge eye roll)
“He just seems so genuine!”

I wanted to hurl myself in front of the train, if only to make Garret stop crying every time it rained (often) or when he saw Becca (also often).  What sealed the deal for me and Blake was when Garrett played his trump card – he told Becca he felt like her deceased father was with them. Becca melted, he cried (again? seriously?), she cried, and I finished another glass of rosé to get the taste of throw up out of my mouth.

Now, before all you Team Garret people FTFO, you need to understand something about me – I’m not a weeper, at least not where people can see me.  When our 15-year-old dog died, my kids later told me that was the first time they’d ever seen me cry – that was three years ago, and they are eighteen and twenty.  The Fam constantly makes fun of me for not crying when we watch sad TV shows. Clearly, I also have issues.

Obviously, watching Garrett the Weeper made me uncomfortable. All I could think of was: She’s going to be raising man-child along with her actual kids.  poor thing – she’s always going to have to be the Bad Cop because he’s too emotional to do it the other half  ofthe time.  Plus he smiles when he’s crying and its creepy.


There was more weeping from Team Garrett, and gnashing of teeth from Team Blake.  But the best (and most important) part of the whole night was the dialogue that emerged during the event: What makes a good marriage, or a good boyfriend?  When and how often should you be crying in a relationship?  What kind of man makes a good father?

The show is still ridiculous, but it sparked these cell-phone-free conversations for straight two hours, and that, my friends, almost brings tears to my eyes.

(To hear another version of this night, check out my friend Alex’s blog. )








Let’s Talk Vikings

Let’s talk Vikings. More importantly, let’s talk about why they are sexy and appealing, and why I can’t stop binge watching shows like the History Channel’s Vikings and BBC America’s The Last Kingdom.

It’s not because I have a thing for burly, unwashed guys with long hair.  In real life I tend to go for the clean-cut, naturally athletic type (you’re welcome, Hubby.)  In fact, that probably explains why I also binged on Vampire Diaries – they were all athletic and clean-cut, even if they did have a habit of drinking other people’s blood.  But there is something viscerally appealing about the characters in these blood-thirsty shows, despite the fact that they regularly do horrific things to people and display the darker sides of humanity.  Hardly an episode goes by that some form of lopping or evisceration doesn’t happen, or when greed, naked ambition and revenge aren’t acted upon.

So what exactly is the appeal?

Well, first, let’s get the obvious out of the way:

But what else?

When you watch a show like Vikings, you live vicariously through those characters as they do things that are unacceptable in today’s society like taking what isn’t yours just because you can, killing those who clearly deserve it, and having sex with royalty or a slave.  And let’s face it – we’re a bit jealous, so we keep watching.  In real life, when another driver on the road does something exceptionally stupid, I want them to reap what they’ve sewn.  Since it’s not acceptable for me to help them with that by nudging them Fast and Furiously into the guardrail until they flip over 17 times (and of course come out unscathed – I’m not an animal, people!), I watch shows like Vikings where the characters can actually act on their baser desires. At least in their case somebody’s getting something done – there is retribution.

Plus there’s this:


Does that mean that everyone who watches the weekly torture fest on Game of Thrones secretly wants to torture people?  Probably not, but there are plenty of messed up people out there who should only be allowed to watch episodes of Sesame Street and work on their people skills.  But Game of Throne’s emphasis on torture and the show’s popularity does make you wonder.  Maybe lots of people have a need to feel empowered – if you can’t get it in your own life, watching someone else act on it in the extreme satisfies that need.  Or, maybe they just like seeing people in pain.  Whatever – the point is, these shows feed some baser need in their viewers.

Should we change our rules to accommodate these baser needs? Absolutely not. Should we dress in animal heavy wool, grow out our hair and still have unrealistically good teeth – maybe, if you can look like this:

But wool’s scratchy and hot, my hair never looks like that and my teeth are marginally better than a 800 A.D. Viking’s teeth; instead, I’ll keep watching these shows, keeping my baser instincts at bay…at least until the next NFL season starts.

footbal fans



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