Subourbon Mom


Spongebob Nudiepants at the Gym
May 30, 2018, 6:00 pm
Filed under: Exercise, Misc. Humor, Sports | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Warning – this one is completely tasteless….read at your own risk…

I recently had a lengthy debate with some girlfriends over whether women should “vent the furnace” or wear underwear at night.

For those who said yes, that sleeping without underwear was their preference, the most common reason was because a long time ago, their mothers had said it was healthier.  My mom never said that, so I’m perfectly happy to be wrapped up like a Puritan every night.  Maybe the fact that I’m not going “nonederwear” explains why I have so many hot flashes at night – all that heat must have to go somewhere.

But apparently the idea that it is healthier to go without underwear is the same for whether or not people wear underwear with their exercise shorts that have the lining in them.  It seems that I am the only person in the universe that doesn’t go spongebob nudiepants at the gym.  But I have reasons:

  1. I’ve seen the sweat puddles in the exercise machine seats, and I don’t care how many wipes you use, once you see it you can’t get it out of your mind. I don’t want my stuff lathered up in someone else’s body butter.
  2. Men should double bag because no one wants to see the mouse get out of the house when it’s time to stretch. Women should do the same thing, because, let’s face it, sometimes a little landscaping might be amiss, and nobody wants that distraction either.
  3. And finally, I have a (completely unfounded) fear of Cooter Stank. I’m not the only one – have you seen the multitudes of products out there to prevent it?  And, weirdly, I’m not worried about it the rest of the time – I only freak out about it at the gym.  Even that doesn’t make sense because, let’s face it, morning workouts in the gym can be overwhelming to the olfactory senses.  Every day in the gym, no matter which gym you go to, it seems like there’s Man Who Ate Garlic Last Night, The Coffee Breather, and Please Use Deodorant As A Courtesy To The Rest Of Us Guy.

So, here’s an actual conversation in our house about wearing underwear under your shorts at the gym:

D1:  “Mom, you wear underwear to the gym?”
Me:  “Yep.”
D1:  “Why?”
Me:  “I’m afraid it will smell.”
D1:  “What will?”
Me:  “The Cooter.”
D1:  “Wait…what? Who calls it that?”
Me:  “Me.”
D1:  “I know somebody who has an ‘I Love Cooter’ magnet on their fridge.”
Me:  “You know that’s a political magnet, right?”
D1:  (Eye Roll) “Yes, I know, Mom.  I get the joke. But seriously, you know everybody in the gym smells bad, right?”
Me:  “I know, I just can’t help it.”
D1:  “You’re weird.”
Me:  (In my head – “You’re half me…” – secret smile)

I_Love_Heart_Cooter_Rectangle_Magnet_300x300



Did You Find Your Underwear?

Ummm…yeah…that was a question somebody asked me at work.

Lately I’ve had a few cringe-worthy moments, but the worst was a couple of weeks ago in the cube farm as I tried in vain to figure out why the underwear I had ordered from Amazon was apparently in shipping’s no-man’s land.

Wait, you ask… You ordered your underwear from Amazon?

That’s right bitches, I had to order my undies from Amazon because my regular suppliers apparently don’t carry it anymore.  And no, I wasn’t trying to buy any Victoria’s Secret lacy, scratchy-but-so-sexy-he-likes-it-so-I-guess -I’ll-get floss. I just wanted to get my fave jockey string bikinis, a.k.a. my Granny Panties, and Target, Kohls and Macy’s failed me.  I’m now down to 4 pairs, and each one has bare elastic at the waistband (bad enough that it’s actually irritating my skin). Even Daughter #2 recently threw a pair away while I was at work and sent me this text:

So, I finally gave in and ordered them from Amazon.

At my desk.

At work.

Let me tell you, it’s pretty embarrassing when:

  1.  You’re shopping for underwear at work;
  2.  The underwear you’re shopping for is cotton granny panties; and
  3.  Your co-workers happily stop by to chat and gleefully discover what kind of underwear you wear before you can clear your screen.

But that was just the beginning.  After seeing what was on the screen, co-worker Stacie asked, “Do you think maybe they didn’t send it because you’re not an 80-year-old woman?”

After I finally finished trying to justify why I was ordering underwear at work and why I like my comfy cotton Granny Panties instead of something sexier, I placed the order.  Of course, it has to be delivered to the office because Holly, the most expensive “free” dog in the world, has now destroyed over $700 worth of merchandise delivered to our house, including two prom dresses (see previous blog).

The package was due to arrive at the end of June. By the middle of July, no underwear in sight.

Between UPS, Amazon and Jockey, no one seemed able to find it. I had to figure out how to stalk Jockey (the seller), which required asking my cube neighbor Lacy for help. Then Hubby walked up (he works in the same office – no judging, please), followed by another co-worker Stacie, all of whom were very interested in the status of my underwear order.  So, there we were, all staring at the Amazon page displaying my pink and white Granny Panties as we tried to figure out the best way to find the package and get free stuff from Amazon.

Hubby, God Bless that man, didn’t even bother trying to persuade anyone that I wear other underwear (I do on special occasions).

I finally got my panties in a wad (c’mon, you knew I had to go there) and called Jockey, who of course didn’t have any record of receiving the order from Amazon.  So, I called Amazon.  All I can say is thank God it was a girl who answered.  Humiliation is having to clarify what the order was for to someone who clearly had never worn Granny Panties in her whole 20-year-old life; and then have her exclaim, “Oh, well at least the vendor was Jockey and not some random dude.”   Yeah sweetie – that’s where I’d choose to order my underwear from – some “random dude” on the internet.

In the end, I re-ordered, and after 4 weeks, I finally got my undies delivered (right to my desk).  Note the appalled look on the screen saver guy.

Undies1

Helpful Hints in Case This Happens to You:

  1. Don’t Google women’s underwear and think you’re going to not have creepy stuff come up on your screen
  2. Don’t get a dog that eats packages
  3. Don’t Google “missing underwear” – you’ll lose hours of your life reading weird articles
  4. Don’t click on random blog sites when Googling slang for underwear for your blog
  5. Don’t order your underwear at work (it’s frowned upon) – your IT guy might have something cheeky to say to you.

 

 

 



Granny Panties–Tevas of the Underwear World

When-Girls-Talk-About-Their-Underwear-Boob-Etc_c_100783Recently I was in the “library,” thumbing through my Bathroom Book of Facts, when I came upon one that sparked my interest:

“The average American woman has 27 pairs of underwear.”

I thought, that can’t be right. There’s no way we have that many, even if you include Date Night panties, the inevitable Granny Panties, and the “Hell no, I’m not wearing those. I don’t care if you got them in Vegas.” Since I like to do research, I decided to

1)   survey my own stash of underwear;

2)   survey how many my friends have; and

3)   see if there’s a difference in the number men and women have, since the book didn’t mention it.

Surprise! I have exactly 27. Nice to know I’m perfectly average. But when I counted up the three categories, I was surprised to find I only have 8 cotton everyday Jockeys, and 2 Granny Panties; but, I have 17 Date Night pairs (I’d already gotten rid of the “Hell No” panties years ago). Very strange (and depressing) since I pretty much only wear the cotton Jockeys every day.

Taking the advice of many women’s magazines, I made a decision to try and wear a Date Night pair every other day and see if I felt sexier, even though nobody else would know. (I didn’t say anything to Hubby, since I knew he’d never leave me alone if he knew what I was wearing). The result? I didn’t really feel sexier, since I instantly forgot about them unless they started crawling up, which they inevitably did. Polyester and Lycra are not my friend. (Side note: The Hanky Panky thongs are still the only ones I will ever wear, and they didn’t crawl up, since they were already there.)

When I asked my friends about their supply, I learned four things:

1)   most of my friends are around the 25-30 mark—I like to think of this as a sign of optimism, unless the Granny Panty pairs are outnumbering the Date Night Pairs;

2)   the younger the women, the more they had (teens-25 had pairs numbering in the 40’s)—I attribute this to the number of times they change clothes in a day;

3)   men have significantly fewer pairs—also attributed to the number of times they change in a day, and the fact below;

4)   men and women categorize their underwear very differently.

Apparently, most men only have about a dozen, no matter what their age or athletic/work habits. And they categorize them into Regular and Exercise groups. No mention of how they want to look in front of the ladies…hmmmm…no Date Night pairs, fellas? Just a shave and some cologne and you’re all set? Well, at least you’re not being presumptuous.

girl-and-men-underwear_c_709218So, I’ll continue to wear the Date Night underwear, if for no other reason than now I won’t have to do so many loads of whites to keep the cotton stash at the ready for gym days. For those of you with a disproportionate number of Granny Panties, don’t give up! Just because your hips have spread out to balance your bottom, which dropped somewhere below Antartica in recent years, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to wear sexy underwear. It does mean you need to get properly-fitting underwear with the sticky stuff along the edges to hold it in place—check out Soma for those in regular woman sizes.

For you men, thank you for keeping the laundry loads down with your minimalist purchases; and thank you for buying that “Hell No” underwear a few years ago, even though our bodies were clearly past looking good in them–it might have made us mad initially, but secretly, we were pleased you still saw us that way at all!

PS–when I was looking for pictures of underwear online, I came across some that were hysterical, but that I could never publish here.  If want a giggle, just search for funny underwear pictures.




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