Filed under: Misc. Humor, Posts | Tags: Fixer Upper, Gaines, HGTV, home decor, home decorating, Love It Or List It, relaity tv, renovations
In recent years there has been a lot of backlash against the fashion industry for promoting unattainable ideas of what beauty is – and to some degree, it has responded – models are heavier, they are more athletic, and they have some visible flaws. In fact, studies have shown that just looking at a skinny model in a magazine can make you feel bad about yourself. I’d bet money that seeing a house or well-designed room that you can never hope to attain because of either lack of money or lack of design ability also makes you feel bad about yourself.
Or maybe that’s just me.
I think HGTV needs to take a page from the fashion industry’s book and inject some real “reality” in their shows. I don’t know how many divorces that channel has caused, but I’ll bet it’s quite a few. So many of the homes they renovate or purchase are out of reach of the average homeowner, or the costs of the renovations are misleading. Now, I’ll admit I’m just as much an HGTV junkie as anybody else, but I constantly have to remind myself during the shows that what I am seeing is not an accurate depiction of what it takes to renovate, well, anything in your home.
I fell in love with Chip and Johanna Gaines (Fixer Upper) like everybody else. I love her style and their TV marriage, and I even subscribe to their magazine – excuse me…their “Journal”. 
But there is NO WAY on God’s green earth you can do the renovations they do for the amount they say it cost. Unless…. you have decades of experience flipping houses (which by the way, is done on the cheap for maximum profit), own your own real estate company and your own construction/design company, which Chip and Joanna do. So, during every episode, in my head I add at least $5k – $10k at the end of each reno cost to be realistic.
Once I ran through all the episodes of the Fixer Upper, I watched Love it Or List It. Hubby and I even talked about trying to get on the show so they could fix our upstairs. However, the producers never show these people moving all their crap and their kids and pets into an apartment and two pods while the renovation is going on, or the fact that they are on this show in the first place because one wants to stay and one wants to move. I think there are already marital issues piling up that need to be discussed, and probably not on reality TV. And, nothing says fix those problems like since buying or renovating a house – one of the top 10 stressors in life. You can’t tell me there aren’t some serious plate-throwing arguments during the process.
I really have only one question about those shows: what happens when the stagers take the pretty fruit bowls and candles away, and people have to move their old, crappy, dog-chewed, not-the-same-size furniture and towels into the newly-renovated home?
What I really want to see, HGTV, is a show about decorating with what you already have. Show me how to display the glass bowls, framed menus stacked in the attic, blue coral my cousin gave us for a wedding present, decorative metal bird cage, and our three autographed footballs in a way that doesn’t make my house look like an upper-crusty Goodwill store. Show me where to put my couch so that I can see the TV, the snow outside and still work on my computer with having to throw a blanket over my head to cut out the glare. And show me how to hide the damned cat litter so I won’t smell it, but I won’t forget it for so long that the cats get revenge and pee on the carpet.
And for God’s sake, will someone please explain what Joanna’s obsession is with shiplap?
But for now, until they can produce a show that accommodates my middle class budget, I’ll keep watching, getting ideas for Hubby to do, and then seeing which one of us breaks first – me deciding I can live without it, or him going ahead and building it so I’ll shut up. And while I watch, I’ll remind myself to look around, see that I live in a home with my loved ones, that is warm enough, cool enough, full of memories and souvenirs and things that make my life very easy in all the ways that really matter – and I’ll be thankful.
Filed under: Middle Age, Misc. Humor | Tags: dermatology, doctor, medical, medicine, plastic surgery, skin cancer
Like many middle-aged women I know, I recently had to get yet another piece of my face removed because I used to lay out on the roof with tanning oil, sauteing myself for future meals made of wrinkles and regrets.
This time, however, it was a basal-cell something or other, and not just a precursor to skin cancer. And, since I’m vain and didn’t want my dermatologist to cut a Franstein-looking chunk out of my face in an effort that may or may not get it all, I opted for undergoing the MOH procedure. In the MOH procedure, the dermatologist/plastic surgeon numbs you up, cuts one layer at a time, bandages you, tests it to see if they got it all (this takes about 2 hours per slice), and repeats the process until they know it’s all gone. This can potentially take all day. It has something like a 99% removal success rate, and these surgeons also tend to leave less scarring.
The process for me was a one-shot deal – we didn’t have to repeat the excision, and it was pain-free. However, there were a couple of things I didn’t anticipate:
First, HOLY SHIT WAS IT EXPENSIVE!! Even with insurance…so investigate before you get your vanity on.
Second, I was the youngest person there by 30 years. The only people my age were the ones helping out their parents for the day. I felt like a toddler.
Third, it looked like a Leper colony had taken up residence in the waiting room. These folks didn’t just have a cute little bandage on the sides of their faces like I did. The men had great, whopping bandages covering their ears, like old, weather-beaten Princess Leah drag queens.
And/or they had giant bandages over their noses and on top of their heads. It was like sitting in the aftermath of the best geriatric bar brawl ever. (I’d post pictures but HIPPA frowns on that, so I didn’t take any. You can Google it, but it’s pretty gross.)
And finally, I had no idea what getting your face stitched up feels like. For the record, it’s weird, and I felt like I looked like Heath Ledger’s Joker afterward (it actually looked pretty good). Since mine was by my ear on my jawline, the internal stitches were deep and right by the jaw hinge. As the doctor was tying the internal stitches, it didn’t hurt, but I could feel her tugging hard – MY WHOLE FACE MOVED.
I finally had to say something: “You know that’s my face you’re pulling on, right?” She replied, “Yep. It’s the face lift you never wanted.” To which I said, “Well, just make sure it’s even.” Afterward, I has to ask: “So is that my future sitting out there? I’m not a big Princess Leah fan.”
“Oh honey, no,” she said. “Those are the guys who’ve had a bump on their nose or scabs on their ears for years, and finally decided it’s not a cut or a bug bite. or their wives finally made them come in. You come in every year, so you’ll be fine.”
You can imagine my relief…so consider this your Public Service Announcement: Go to your dermatologist, even if you think you don’t need to. Chances are you won’t need to have this procedure done, but let’s face it – not everyone can look as beautiful as Ingrid Bergman with a face bandage.
Filed under: Exercise, Food/Drink, Posts | Tags: alcoholic, bars, chardonnay, drinking, drinks, Exercise, lactic acid, wine, workouts
What my friends give me when I get uppity and ask for a buttery chardonnay…
Chardonnay is the perfect substitute for an intense workout.
Yeah, you heard me. I said it.
Now let me work my way around to it and you’ll see how my flawless logic enabled me to skip many a workout, guilt-free.
When you workout, your body converts sugar into energy. During intense exercise, there may not be enough oxygen to complete the process, so your body makes lactic acid in response. But this can build up in your body more rapidly than you can burn it off. Symptoms of lactic acid build-up are cramps, nausea, weakness and exhaustion.
Chardonnay’s delicious buttery taste comes from lactic acid produced after the first fermentation. Too much Chardonnay can leave your crampy, weak, nauseous and even exhausted the next day.
So…if you don’t like to exercise, stick with a buttery Chardonnay. You’ll be fooling your body into thinking you had a workout!
You’re welcome. That is all.
Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: christianity, entertainment, fun, games, Poker, religion
Now before some of you lose your minds and start planning how you’re going to blow up my blog with comments about your faith, your religion or how insensitive I am….
RELAX.
This is an idea I came up with in the middle of a hot flash at 4:00am – not my best work, but that’s what I was thinking about so now you get to think about it, too.
Now that we have the disclaimer out of the way, we need to talk poker. For those of you who don’t know how to play poker, there comes time in every player’s game that they choose to bluff (or not) about what cards they’re holding. Sometimes this is out of desperation, and sometimes it’s a calculated lie designed to throw others into confusion about when you may or may not be telling the truth later in the game. Most people have a “tell” or small mannerism that will let others know when they are bluffing.
I have a theory that how you play poker reflects your spiritual beliefs, or at least where you are on the spectrum of being a believer in something higher than yourself or not. Over time, your faithfulness will be your “tell.”
Don’t worry, people – I’m not going to call out you Baptists, Episcopalians, Catholics, Bhuddists, Muslims, Jews or anybody else. I’m just going to lay out some completely unfounded observations about the game of poker and who might be more inclined to play one way or another based on their level of faith, no matter what religion they are.
Poker players who often go “all in” (bet their entire wad on one hand) are probably atheists. After all, what have they got to lose? There is no higher being to pray to for help or that is controlling the outcome of the game. It’s harder to bluff an atheist, but heck…miracles happen. When atheists win, they like to point out to the rest of the players that they were bluffing so the faithful (they hope somewhere deep down) will learn that being gullible is bad. And, when atheists are done playing, they simply walk away…or pass out on the couch after watching Ancient Aliens while they wait for everyone else to finish.
The faithful (if they’re playing at all) will bluff too, but for a different reason – they instinctively feel that because the atheists don’t believe in things they can’t prove, atheists won’t believe that others are as good at bluffing as they are. The faithful also tend to fall for the bluff more than other players – they already believe in something they can’t see or prove, so believing another player got the royal straight flush on the river card isn’t that much of a stretch. When the faithful are finished playing, they frequently can be found looking introspective, trying to find the meaning behind the loss.
Agnostics, however, are the biggest losers in poker because they are constantly hedging their bets. They ante on every play, no matter what they have in their hand, because the flop might just have that magical or miracle combination to make that 7 and 8 worth it. Then, they put in just enough on each betting round to stay in, but won’t commit to the big pots. Eventually they fold somewhere in the middle of the game, having steadily lost their chips out of fear of taking the plunge, one way or the other. Without the freedom of the atheists and the cushion of the faithful, they resolve to play differently next time, even though this never happens.
But what about people who don’t give religion a second thought…like, ever? Aaahhh…these are the poker players you should fear. Why? Because they aren’t praying or trying to control their own destinies or hedging their bets – they’re thriving on their love of the game. They live in the moment. Do they bluff? Maybe – but what’s more important to them is that they’re playing at all.
Is that how you should go through life? Completely in the moment without a thought to what’s next, or if there’s something bigger out there? I doubt it – but in these uncertain times, being in the moment may be exactly what you need, even if only for a little while.
So deal the cards and play how you play – but just remember to be happy you’re sitting at the table.
Filed under: Misc. Humor | Tags: beard, fashion, humor, makeup, men, relationships, shaving
(Before I go on, full disclosure: I don’t like beards. On anyone. If someone wants to kiss me and their face feels like a dog, I’d rather have the dog. They always smell like the last food that passed through them, even if the guy says he cleans it all the time. And I don’t care if you’re the hottest guy in town with a beard – all I see is a rat poking its head through a bush. I know lots of girls find them sexy – just not me.)
I don’t know about your town, but mine has a lot of bearded men walking around, and it’s not even No-Shave-November. I don’t mean men with the closely-trimmed beards that are meant to accentuate the jawline or the 5-day stubble that looks rugged, even on your office IT guy. I’m talking about those squirrelly, nasty Duck Dynasty beards.
First, why is it always the guys who can’t grow a decent beard that always want to try this particular fashion? Seriously, play to your strengths – you look like you walked through a dark spider web. Just shave it and try something else.
For those who actually can produce a full Moses, we know that it’s probably false advertising.
I wouldn’t care about beards if there wasn’t so much hypocrisy around them. Men often have criticized women for wearing makeup (“What do you really look like under all that?” or “Why are you spackling your face?”), but beards are the male equivalent of concealer. Excessive beards hide a lot of flaws like acne, a weak chin, or Nixon jowels. ZZ Top beards can even hide the shape of a man’s face. You might think you’re getting a Brad Pitt jawline, when in fact there’s an Adrian Brody lurking beneath.
Another misleading face bush is the long, Gandalf chin beard – you know, the one that points like an arrow to the guy’s crotch (or beer belly). That thing is no different than dramatic eyeliner and lipstick that says “Look over here, and not at the zits on my forehead.”
And guys, we know it’s not because “it’s cold.” Judging by your prison pallor and baby soft hands, it appears many of you Hagrid wanna-bees work in offices, which means in climate-controlled environments. Unless you are an avid hunter, you can’t claim to need it to keep your face warm. Even if you live in Minnesota, the sprint from the car to your office does not warrant growing an entire sheep on your face. If you do, chances are your just going to have snotsicles hanging from it anyway, and that’s just gross.
And finally, as one of my girlfriends pointed out to me recently, kissing somebody with an untrimmed beard is like kissing a Wookie. Girls (or guys) if you’re a Star Wars fan with a Wookie fetish, put on your Princess Leia headphones and go for it.
So, bottom line is, if you’re going to clothe your face, go all the way. Do some beardazzling and make it fun. Throw some glitter in it, or some of those fancy beads middle-aged women love to wear. Go Viking and braid it, and add some silver and gold for interest. 
Just don’t grow a herpe curtain and think we’re not on to you.
Subourbon Mom 